small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>sweatin the small stuff</strong>

Friday, April 1

sweatin the small stuff

kind’a like that

I’m on the bus heading home after work yesterday when at a stop light I heard someone behind me holler “oh my god will you look at that shit”. I turned to look out the window and there was this woman walking thru a parking lot. She was tall, built like a wet dream, and sporting a set of what looked to be 38DDs wrapped in a black midriff top. As I took off my shades to take a good look, I heard a bunch of thuds and felt the bus actually start tilting toward that side.

The thudding noise I heard was the sound of every man on the bus doing the bums rush, hitting the windows on that side of the bus pressing their faces up against the window’s like kids looking into a candy store. And for some reason that shared moment reaffirmed my faith in man and put me into a very good mood.

That men from all backgrounds and colors, professionals, bums, young and old could find a common ground in a great set of tits. And for the next few blocks we all shared a national dialogue pertaining to what we just saw. And I paused to think that a great set of tits are like jello cause there’s always room for more.
But enough of that, it’s Friday so let’s get on to sweatin the small stuff shall we?

Over in Iowa a couple of cats were driving on the interstate when the hood on their piece of shit car popped open. But instead of doing what you are I would do, which would be to stop the car and try to close the hood. These two ole Forest Gump and Bubba muthafuckers decided to keep on driving down the freeway. Imagine the “what the fuck moment” that had to happen when these two idiots passed a state trooper at fifty-five miles an hour.

According to my many inside sources, they passed the trooper with the hood full up, laid over the windshield and with both their heads sticking out the driver and passenger windows like dogs so as to see where they were going. Even though it didn’t need to be said, my many inside sources told me that besides getting busted for being overly stupid, drugs might have been involved. Ya fuckin think?

I’m too sexy for this blog

And in the “I’m only moonlighting waiting tables part time, I actually model for a living and plan to work on my actoring” department, four male models that appeared in an ad campaign against domestic violence are suing the city of New York. They all did a paid photo shoot for some public service ads promoting awareness of domestic violence. The posters showed em behind bars with various captions saying shit like “Successful executive. Devoted churchgoer. Abusive husband”. The main bitch of their lawsuit is that the posters stayed up too long and now their friends and family’s now actually believe that they were really busted for beating women and shit.

With the posters being displayed in police stations and post offices and battered women’s shelters, the four male models are seeking one million dollars each in damages from the city. My many inside sources are telling me that the lawsuit is bullshit since the male models look really too gay to be beating anybodies ass. On all fours looking back over their shoulder’s maybe, but beating some chicks ass, no.

you look nice, wanna date?

And in the “read between the lines” department. The Transportation Security Administration had to remove one of their screeners from the Newark International Airport for more training. It seems that a female passenger reported that she’d been allowed to pass a checkpoint with a butcher knife in her purse. The female passenger was not charged with a crime because they believed her story that she had merely forgotten about the knife in her purse. Having put it there earlier in the week before heading out on a "blind date."

Ok, that’s all fine and good, and I’m glad the screener’s getting retrained and all that good shit to catch things like that. But really, how fucked up does the muthafucker that shows up the front door for your date have to be and how hard up are you for companionship that you go “hang on a sec, I left the stove on”. And you run into the kitchen to throw a butcher knife in your purse for just in case and shit? I’m just sayin and all.

uh huh, I ain't sayin shit

And lastly, from the “dope and shampoo don’t mix” department. A soaking wet buck assed nekked, three hundred pound man armed with a large pair of scissors was shot deader then shit by Milwaukee police as he threatened to kill his three young children, who by the way were also were soaking wet and nekked. The police thought the cat had maybe calmed down a tad until he yanked up his five year old son by the head and chest and began to twist his head as if to snap his fuckin neck off. It suddenly turned into hammer time and police shot the fat bastard nine times until he dropped the kid.

The small children sustained injuries from their crazy assed father, but their injuries weren’t life threatening enough to warrant any down time in the hospital. The oldest kid who happened to be the five year old in the headlock, told police that shit all started after his old man smoked some marijuana, drank a bottle of shampoo and ripped the bathroom sink out of the wall. Just goes to show that you can shampoo your hair, smoke all the weed you like. But drink the shampoo whilst smoking the weed will make you rip out the toilet and shit, get buck assed nekked and attempt to kill your kids. And I don’t know about you, but I’d love to look up these kids in about fifteen or twenty years just to see what kind of shape their heads are in.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


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