sweatin the small stuff

From the “enterprising but stupid youth” department

comes the story of a seventeen year-old high school student who faked the theft of his 2002 BMW in order to collect on the insurance money. According to my many inside sources the young baggy pants wearin little fuck reported the car stolen earlier this week from his suburban home in Washington state. But just a few suburbs over the cops came upon his $47,000 BMW being stripped by some of the local hoods. Who when busted started dropping dimes and shit all over the place and narked the high schooler out as having been the one that set all this shit up. After putting the boots to the kid, the cops learned that he wanted to use the insurance money to upgrade to a fuckin Bentley. Now after having a sit-down with my many inside sources, I learned a few things.

First off a fuckin Bentley is going to cost a muthafucker anywhere from 160 to damn near 300 large. And how a fuckin kid in high school thought he could afford the swing on that even with insurance money is beyond my meager train of thought. And just a thought here, but what the fuck is a seventeen-year-old kid doing with a $47,000 car in the first fuckin place. I mean goddamn, I’m a grown assed man and shit who works hard for his money just to have the shit I got. And there’s few things that puts the squeeze on my nutsac more then to see some young kid rollin in some shit whose fuckin wheels cost more then my shit’s worth. It makes me just want to run up and snatch the black off a muthafucker. I’m just sayin.



Just in from the “yew shore smell purtty” department

comes a story that’ll just dropkick the unrequited love in all of us. Down in Georgia a middle-aged brother and sister are facing ten years in lock-down for the amorous crime of fuckin each other. I know, I know, hard to believe huh, another story of kinfolk doing the forbidden dance of the two-headed beast with each other. It seems that the brother’s wife called the cops the other night and when they got to her house, she sent em to check out some shit going on at a house a few blocks over. When the cops got to the house and started looking around, through a door they spotted the two siblings fuckin the blue jesus shit out of each other in a back bedroom. Now according to my many inside sources the cops asked the two to stop and to please step outside and talk to em and shut the door to let the two get dressed and shit. But after a few minutes when nobody came out the cops stepped back in only to find that the two hadn’t stopped fuckin. After hearing the cops scream

“ SIR, PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM YOUR SISTER'S NASTY OLD PUSSY”

the brother hopped off his sister stating, “I guess I’m going to jail huh?” After getting the two outside the cops were able to confirm that the incestuous couple was indeed brother and sister. They were also both drunker then a muthafucker to the point that the sister was taken to the hospital where she was treated for excessive alcohol. The brother stated later that he found out that he has cancer and decided he wanted to go out with a bang. But neither he nor his sister has any recollection of fuckin each other. It also needs to be said that the two might be mentally impaired. On a personal note, I can fully understand finding out that you might be dying and deciding to go out with a bang. But goddammit, smackin pubes with my sister or fuckin spot just don’t come to mind.



moo bitches moo

And from the “that’s why I love Kansas City” department

hails a story that I loved because if nothing else it reminds muthafuckers of where they fuckin live. Yesterday over in lovely Raytown, which happens to be one of our great suburban areas, a cattle truck ran a stoplight and got smacked the fuck into by a pickup. The collision ripped a large hole in the bottom of the cattle truck and cattle started spilling out all over the busy intersection where they fled into surrounding neighborhoods. One of my many inside sources who got caught up in all the confusion called me to say,

“cattle were just slinging out of the side of the wreck left and right and just running amok and shit. Hell fuck, there were even cows running up behind the Kentucky Fried Chicken and everythang”

And here’s what makes my city so fuckin cool to me. Where the fuck else in a major metropolitan area can the cops make a call, and in just a few minutes have muthafucker’s show up on horses lassoing cows and shit like it was an everyday thing? Cows made this town and because I hate when the Man tries to make folks forget that little bit of information and seem determined to make Kansas City into some perverted clone of St. Louis, seeing shit like this make me happy.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"