sweatin the small stuff

from the “don’t call it a comeback” department……….

Comes a story that I’m still not so sure about how to read it. It seems that in the Howard Beach section of Queens in New York, a white man is facing hate-crime charges after police said he and a couple of friends beat the fuck out’a three black men with a baseball bat. All this went down in a neighborhood that became infamous two decades ago when three black men were beaten in 1986 after their car broke down, starting what became one of the city's ugliest racial episodes. But I’m tempted to call “quid pro quo”, which is Latin for "something for something", or as we call it at Death’s Door, “bullshit” on the whole thing.

Meaning that asskickin aside, the black cat’s fully admitted to entering the neighborhood looking for a car to steal but changed their minds when they were spotted. And even though the white cats came all strong and shit with the racial negativity and beat some muthafuckers up. I’d be the first to say that shit evens out cause you come into my house looking to take what’s mine and get your asses handed to you? And I start hating and shit whilst beating you down, it’s “quid pro quo”. And I’m not saying that the white guys are right cause there’s always other ways to deal with shit, but goddamn, how fuckin crackhead stupid do you have to be to tell the cops the real reason you were on the block was to steal a fuckin car?



and now from the “Rube Goldberg” department……

Unfolds the fucked up story of a playful family dog, who whilst chasing a ball ran his clumsy ass into the ladder on which his owner was standing while trimming bushes with a chainsaw. The dog running into the ladder caused the man to fall off the ladder with the still running chainsaw clutched in his hands onto his wife who was holding the ladder thus sending the still running chainsaw into her neck and killing her deader then shit. According to my many inside sources this was just some fucked up shit to see. One minute everything all Lassie and Timmy, and the next minute mom's all over the yard. They also said something about a comedy of errors.


An illustration of a machine for pouring a cup of water
From the “I’d love to hear Lance Armstrong’s kids try to weasel their way out of walking to school” department………

Is a story of a man who was told by his doctor that he was dying of cancer and only had so long to live. After hearing said news the man did as I, or most of us would do in such a situation. He informed his family then made final plans for a future that according to his doctor would be very short. Now the man is suing his doctor because he survived his cancer longer than the doctor predicted.

Now a lot of you might ask yourselves why? Shouldn’t the muthafucker be glad that his doctor was wrong and he’s gonna live a lot longer? Well yeah, unless you did like the cat did, and subscribed to the Death’s Door, “bye bitches, I’m dying” plan. Which is if I find out that I only have a few months or a year to live cause I'm dying? You might as well say I won the fuckin lottery, cause I’m living larger then a muthafucker.

First off I’m getting every credit card and bank loan I can and start maxing those muthafuckers out since I won’t be around to pay em back. At the same time I’m buying guns and bazookas and shit with the intention of settling some old scores. Yeah baby, bad time to be an asshole and shit with me dying. And it goes without saying that I’m gonna try to fuck everything with an inverted peehole.

And the best thing about it, muthafucker’s will be begging me to die after it’s all said and done, cause due to the fact that I'm dying, I won’t give a fuckin hooty-ho who I piss off. So if I was told that I only had a short time to live and then I just kept on living, Yeah I sue the doctor too.

This reminds me of my friend Kyle who survived his fight with cancer. Every time I see this muthafucker I just stare and grin and wanna touch and poke em cause I’m so fuckin happy to still be able to see his ugly ass. He went back to work and I told him to take it easy and if he gets tired to tell folks to fuck off and sit his ass down somewhere cause as far as I’m concerned he has the best excuse in the world. “I got cancer bitches, I’m sitting down for a few”.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"