small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, July 29

sweatin the small stuff

From the “boy howdy” department in conjunction with the “I gotta get me one of those” department………

Comes a story from the land of the rising sun, the land that after getting bombed harder then a stoner at a reggae concert brought us Godzilla, bukkake, bondage, extreme hentai and manga, along with the very irritating habit of fuzzy pixels in their porn. Yes, I speak of the Japanese, who after overcoming war and adversity have preformed their ultimate accomplishment. The Japanese have developed a “female” android that has these attributes.
1. She has flexible silicone for skin rather than hard plastic, and a number of sensors and motors to allow her to turn and react in a human-like manner.

2. She can flutter her eyelids and move her hands like a human. She even appears to breathe.

3. She can be designed to follow the movement of a human wearing motion sensors or to act independently.
Do you muthafuckers have any idea how big a deal this is? Huh, do ya? After talking shit over with my very excited many inside sources I found out more about this wonderful creation. They told me that Repliee Q1 (that’s her name) is not like any robot you will have seen before, at least outside of science-fiction movies. She is designed to look human and although she can only sit at present, she has 31 actuators in her upper body, powered by a nearby air compressor, which are programmed to allow her to move like a human.

Now I know that some of you are thinking, hmmm, this would be great for space exploration or doing jobs too dangerous for humans or any such scientific shit like that. But really, I’m sitting here in my underwear thinking… soon as that muthafucker comes out on the market I’m throwing away the accujack and getting one in blue with horns, a year’s supply of red lipstick, a giant rack and a self lubricating snappin pussy.

From the “me Tarzan, you Jane” department ……..

Comes a feel good story that will warm the cockles of your heart. It seems that ole former US president Bill Clinton on a recent trip to Kenya had been offered forty goats and twenty cows for his daughter Chelsea by some horny hard-up jungle fever feelin African government official. According to my many inside sources he was offered the animals as a traditional African way of getting a father to give away his daughter's hand in marriage.

And according to my sources the dowry is very muthafuckin generous by the country's own standards. Mr. Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor or Eddy as he’s known to his close friends wrote to Mr. Clinton through Kenya's Foreign Minister to set all this up. Disappointed but glad he gave it a try; he was overheard to say;

"Had I succeeded in hooking the rich white devil bitch, I would have had one grand muthafuckin wedding. I would have invited South African Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu to preside at the ceremony and shit." He went on to say that Chelsea was a fine looking woman with large hands good for milking the cows and goats and possessed a strong bone structure.

Now from the “oh yeah baby, that’s how mommy likes it, faster faster” department…….

Comes a story steeped in antiquity and old as time it’s self. Whilst researchers in Germany were digging inside the famous Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm in the Swabian Jura area of southwestern Germany they unearthed a sculpted and polished phallus shaped object that they believe to be around twenty-eight thousand years old.

The prehistoric "tool" was reassembled from 14 fragments of siltstone and when put back together somebody was heard to say. “Hey, that looks like my wife’s Doc Johnson vibrator”. After much study researchers believe the object's distinctive form and etched rings around one end mean there can be little doubt as to its symbolic nature.

"It's highly polished; it's clearly recognizable as a large cock” said one female researcher as she and others fondled and passed around the ancient device. My many inside sources tell me that in addition to being a symbolic representation of male genitalia, meaning it’s shaped like someone’s cock. Its life like size suggests it may well have been used as a sex aid by its Ice Age makers.

My many inside sources went on to inform me that female art with highly accentuated sexual attributes are very well documented at many sites across the globe but male representations are very, very rare indeed. Let the Intelligent Design muthafuckers figure that one out.

And lastly from the “how to know when god hates you” department…….

Comes a story a story of a woman from Rio de Janeiro who died of a heart attack. The women’s family and close friends had gathered inside the chapel of a local cemetery to pay their last respects. Everyone’s standing around the casket praying and crying as folks at these types of events are wont to do when outside the chapel gunshots were heard ringing out. It seems that there was a fire fight going in a nearby slum betwixt the local police and a gang of drug runners.

Suddenly people were scattering as the stained windows of the chapel were peppered by bullets along with the casket of the deceased woman. After shit calmed down everything seemed cool until folks noticed that one of the stray bullets had entered the casket striking the dead woman in her pelvic region. After a bit of discussion it was decided to leave the bullet inside the already deceased woman and proceed with the burial.
“This is just too sad. My god, to get shot after death”
the dead woman’s sister was quoted as saying. My many inside sources told me that such standoffs between drug gangs and police or just between rival gangs often claim innocent lives in Rio, which has one of the world’s highest murder rates. Yeah, and getting shot in your pussy at your own fuckin wake is just some fucked up shit and a sure sign that god hates you.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger satyavati said...

I understand wanting your own pneumatic android sex doll and all, but what's up with the horns?

And to answer your question about why there's so few images of men in history accentuating their weenies.. well, why haven't the Japanese made a MALE android?

Seems like that just kinda explains it all.

8:52 AM  
Blogger Death said...

weel hon, she'd look pretty silly with handlebars sticking out of her back now wouldn't she, so it should go without saying that the horns are for grip

9:13 AM  
Blogger Bella said...

So, what are the Japanese men saying, they're women aren't good enough? I think the wives are getting out of control over there. The husband no longer speaks for his wife; women are saying, "Fuck you, muthafucker! I can speak for myself, bitch!" Thus, the android was born.

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Joe said...

Hm about the Clinton thing, my many inside sources (who knows what's right nowadays) told me another story. They say the poor guy is still waiting for an answer and the son is to remain single until a reply is sent.

7:18 PM  
Blogger Cerberus said...

" in blue with horns, a year’s supply of red lipstick, a giant rack and a self lubricating snappin pussy." Man, if there is ever an award for best written description of a hilarious scene, that is a sure fire winner.

12:22 AM  

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