small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: blast from the past...Uncle Death

Tuesday, July 26

blast from the past...Uncle Death

The other night I was hanging at the Hurricane talking with Cor(e)y and Rusty of “Planet Rusty” fame, along with Charley the most well liked booking agent in town. This blast from the past is for them.

Here’s something about me you didn’t know. I almost held the future of America’s youth in the palm of my hand. Years ago before all the tough guy shit I actually worked (and I use that word lightly) as a stand up comic. I started doing it as a dare and after a while I found out I was kind’a good at it. Once I got over the stage fright I loved it, what a fuckin head rush. When I did a good show it was the biggest rush in the world, but when I sucked, I sucked harder then a three dollar whore on crack, and nothin’s worse then fallin on your ass in front of a hundred people.

I worked (there’s that word again) with some nice people. David Naster, Sinbad, and a bunch of other people whose names I can’t remember but who I see on the TV from time to time. Get this, I was doin a show one night and in walks Henny Youngman. He was doing a benefit downtown and he decided to stop by for a look-see. The ass kissing was amazing, the noise from all the bending of knees and bowing and shit was so bad I had to cut my show short.

So I’m standin outside the club when Mr. Youngman comes walking out to his limo, “nice show young man”. Oh my God, Henny Youngman’s fuckin talking to me. I just stared, awestruck until my mouth took over. “Show? What Show! How could you hear anything you old noisy bastard”. As he walked away I found myself again speechless again cause suddenly I had these two huge muthafuckers in bad fitting suits pressing on me from both sides. Who knew the old man had bodyguards. They quietly showed me the error of my ways then eased off and let the oxygen back in.

It was cool; at least I got to meet the man on a one on one basis. Back in the day there was a children’s show here in town called Uncle Ed’s Playhouse. This guy was sort’a huge in the Midwest. He’d sit behind this old desk and talk to all the kids and show cartoons and shit like that. He was like Whizzo but deeper. It was all doing good till he got busted for wagging his dick at little kids. He always had that dirty uncle vibe going on don’t you know. But anyway the show’s producer used to come to see me perform from time to time, and somewhere in her blond head she fermented the idea that I would be a perfect replacement for the infamous Uncle Ed.

I ended up auditioning for the show three separate times but I just couldn’t pull it together. They took me into this studio that held Uncle Ed’s desk and I’d set behind the desk and got comfy, or at least I tried too. But there were two things in front of the desk that bothered the shit out of me. One was the bigass camera that stood maybe five feet away pointed directly at my head. I think it was the camera lens and the big red blinking light that had me on edge.

The other thing was a video monitor that set on the edge of the desk. You ever videotape yourself and watch? It can be very disturbing cause when you’re lookin at yourself lookin back at you, it can creep a cat the fuck out. That’s one reason why the porno gig also fell through. I couldn’t keep a straight face. I’d say my lines then start laughin like an idiot; I just couldn’t get over lookin at my self. To say the least I blew it. But just think how close I came to undermining America’s youth.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Rusty said...

I remember that guy.......But all I remember was on one show how as his "phone" he had a cat with a banana sitting on top of the cat that he would use as the receiver.....That and hearing about him getting busted, slaezy bastard.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Gregory said...

Yeah, mthafuckin' Ed Mascarey was his name on Ch. 41 when he used to show Twilight Zone and Horro Movie. Seemed to me the whole 'child lover'thing happened when he was doing Uncle Ed, and surfaced years latter after he was doing the Ed Mascarey thing. And didn't he run from the law,?? Never to be found?

2:56 AM  

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