small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: my bad

Monday, August 1

my bad

I talk about the MAN all the time but I found out last week how rough the MAN can get. I’m blowing thru my workday cause it’s Friday and things usually run slow unless there’s shit going on, so the end of the workweek is usually a fairly easy day. The morning goes and the afternoon rolls in and I get this piece of express mail handed to me. It’s a bigass envelope marked with my name and shit so I sign for it with no second thought and proceed to open it up.

Cause I’m a freak by nature and paranoid to boot I use a razor knife to slit the envelope open. But inside that envelope is another envelope with both ends wrapped in masking tape, but my name’s on that muthafucker too so I slit that one open. Inside that one is a smaller envelope so I slit that one open. I’m still thinking nothing of it because as a logistics officer I’m always getting things sent to me all wrapped the fuck up and shit. Inside I see a big folder and a CD in a jewel case; so I shake out the CD and in huge red letters on the front of it are the words
“TOP SECRET”
Now as a minion for the MAN I generally don’t get shit marked like that, so I threw the CD back in and went to the Director of my division and said, “what the fuck is this”? Well, to put it lightly he pulled a huge freak on me. “What the fuck are you doing opening up TOP SECRET documents? After I explained to him that my name was all over the muthafucker he calmed down a small bit but still had both his feet in my ass.

It ended up that the shit was TOP SECRET but it should have never come to me, and it seemed that somebody up the line in DC had made a grievous mistake and put my name on it. I more or less had to give a deposition to three different OFFICIALS and explain why I opened the package. But I’m not off the hook yet; next week I might have to explain to some security cat from headquarters what happened and still might get my ass wrung even more. But this ain’t shit compared to what happens to the stupid bastard that mistakenly put my name on it in the first place, cause he’s gonna get ass-fucked like some ho in a back ally.

I told the Director that I’m easy to find on the weekends if he needs me and of course he said; “they know where you’re at after six on Fridays”. Then he pulled a paper from his pocket and read the address and number of the Hurricane to me. I should have known by now that the MAN is omnipresent, and probably reads this fuckin site. But last I checked this is still America and freedom of speech is still my right, even though I toil for you know whom. “I fuckin hope”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

8 Comments:

Blogger Scott Thigpen said...

So, ummm, if we don't hear from you after a day or so...we should just sort of forget this url?

11:49 AM  
Blogger Cerberus said...

Sounds more like somebody in your agency screwed up. If you don't have a secret clearance it should have never gone to you. Also, don't you guys use those handy little cover sheets - blue for CONFIDENTIAL and red for SECRET?

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey at least the package didn't self destruct after 30 seconds or anything. Then the stuff would really hit the fan.

And do you think the man was posted out there Saturday when the hot dog guy went ape shit WWE-style on the bum? That was some funny shit.

Charley.

1:00 PM  
Blogger Death said...

Charley, when I left for the evening the hot-dog cat was back at his cart so I went over and visited for a while. He was super cool nonchalant about the whole deal. His biggest concern was getting his hotdogs heated back up. And Cerberus, to tell you the truth I was so excited to get mail that wasn't a bill that I never paid any attention to what color the folder was.

1:16 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

OK so now I know if I send you pictures.. DON'T mark them TOP SECRET. Of course though they WOULD be top secret.. I could get you in real trouble and mark them EYES ONLY...
And gosh Greg, you know.. real titties never look as good as that girl's fake ones do.. I think you should do a tribute to all us 100% real beef titty girls, and put the silicone aside for a while. At least I know mine aren't going to bust, or leak, or require many payments at 18%.

2:12 PM  
Blogger Arathorn said...

Damn scary stuff, joke as we may, wierd shit happens to decent folks all the time. Even if I AM paranoid,sometimes paranoids are right.Keep up the great work!

2:14 PM  
Blogger Death said...

Satyavati I replied to you at the Stimpy post

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q. and I talked with him at the end of the night too. He sounded a little disappointed about the whole thing. He was more worried about the bum standing there and bothering his customers and then trying to steal his tip jar.

Charley.

4:30 PM  

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