pork pussy blues

I used to have this 800 number that you’d call when the mental levy broke. The phone would ring and people on the other end would start chanting and humming and shit. I fuckin kid you not. It was supposed to diffuse anger and calm a cat down. It was given to me back in the day as a joke, but I actually knew people that had a “safety number” to call and I always wondered.

Well I could’a used a safety number yesterday. All week at work I’ve been getting kicked in the balls by a bunch of evil changes going on like moving our office across town and it’s really been affecting my mood. So since when is it a fetish thing to get sucker punched in the nutsac? There’s a growing number of videos on the web showing men getting kicked in the nuts by chicks with high heels. Maybe I’m not enlightened, but I just can’t see this quirky little fad catching on.

So I leave work early yesterday to buy a bike battery and catch a break. I decide to drive up to Grandview, Mo mainly because of what the fuck and why not. But I was so distracted by shit going on at work that I ended up driving thirty miles in the wrong direction. I eventually made it there and picked up what I needed. I make it back to Westport and decide to get a few things from the grocery store before I went home, cause I’m really feelin the need for some comfort food and shit.

I do my do and I notice this elderly women sittin in her car as I come out and I figure she must be waiting on someone. But as I’m pullin out of my space she’s tryin to get my attention. It seems that her car won’t start. No telling how long she’d been sittin there in the hotass heat tryin to flag someone down. Poor woman, hell, if she popped eighty pounds wet I’d be surprised, and she had to be pushing seventy-five easily. I thought it was pretty fucked up that the second I leaned into her car window to see what was up, suddenly four or five people showed up wanting to know what was going on.

Fuckin pious rat bitches! Anyway the old lady was pretty unhinged, she kept telling me what she thought was wrong with her car while I kept telling her to calm down and take it easy. I got her calmed down long enough to tell her that her car seemed to be flooded and if she would unass the seat I’d get her on her way. Well, I didn’t say unass the seat but she got my drift. Just because you’re old don’t make you slow. I was able to squeeze one leg and an arm into her tiny assed car and I got it started.

Talk about your happy senior citizen, if she had blessed me anymore I could’a qualified for sainthood easily. There were also two very hot chicks nearby who watched the whole thing. They kept telling me what a nice guy I was and that it was a very cool thing I did. Yeah but they weren’t coming off no ass were they? Anyway I would’a made my own age’ed mother proud. I guess a good deed makes a bad day better huh?

Moving on, I have a pet peeve, yeah, I know, one of many and it has to deal with bad or inconsiderate drivers, which are really one and the same if you wanna cut thru the bullshit. In the opinion section of the local newspaper are always letters from various drivers who think they have the fuckin god given right to tailgate and speed thru traffic. I can’t even begin to tell you on how many levels this offends me.

Call me an old ditty or what the fuck ever, but I enjoy doing the speed limit. I take great pleasure in signaling my turns and whatnot. I enjoy obeying the laws of the muthafuckin road. But you know what I’d enjoy better? I‘d love to have a big red button on my dash board, and whenever someone near me ran a red light or tailgated me or got on my bad side. I’d push that red button and one of those giant cartoon hands would pop out of my hood and slap the blue balled Jesus out of a muthafucker. I swear to god I would burn that muthafucker out.

I remember the time I was driving my sweet elderly mother to the store and some old slappy bitch next to me on the freeway suddenly decides she wants to drive in my lane as well as hers. Well I tell you what! I rolled down my window and started pounding on her hood at sixty miles an hour! If that didn’t pook out her panties I don’t know what did. She’ll look three times before she changes lanes again.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"