sweatin the small stuff

From the “it’s a white wing republican world” department comes………..

the story of a middle-aged couple who not only met at a stinkin McDonalds, but decided to get married there also. According to my many inside sources, the cat would pull up to the drive thru in his minivan where he’d receive his delicious hot (hah!) Big Mac from the same chick every day. They’d chat each other up for a few minutes then off he’d go back to the job.

But the day came when he rolled up to the window and instead of her passing him his delicious hot (hah!) Big Mac, she passed him her hands to hold. And instead of the usual pimple factory sweeping the drive there stood a district judge who married the two. Now, I’m as romantic as the next muthafucker and always down with the love jones. But really, getting married at fuckin Mickey D’s is as Mike Tyson would say, “simply ludicrous”.

Yeah, I can see that muthafucker lasting a long time. But you got to give the couple their proper respect. Forming the relationship the way they did is like meeting over the internet or like phone sex. Think about it, all he ever saw of her was from mid-torso up and all she saw of him was the same. So it had to be true love? Right?



And now from the “I thought you did” department comes………

a story of a Philly firefighter and his family who decided they would have a family day up in Atlantic City at the Steel Pier amusement park. Him and the wife along with their three kids are having a fuckin blast eating and riding everything in sight. The sun’s shining, birds are chirping and things couldn’t be better cause it’s family bonding time.

They all decide that it would be fun if they all rode the Big Splash together, so into the ride car they hopped. Up, up, up, the car went, around and around the track it flew till it came to the big decent where the car would slide into a giant pool of water. The car flew down the hill with the family screaming and waving their arms in the air until it hit the pool that somebody forgot to fill with water.

Yup, the fuckin pool which is supposed to be filled with water was empty as a muthafucker, and the husband now sits in the hospital in critical condition and his wife and three kids were fucked up as well. According to my many inside sources the park workers on duty had either forgotten to put water in the basin or hadn’t noticed that it had all drained the fuck out. And on an ending note, isn’t it kind of ironic that a firefighter’s life in endangered by the lack of the very thing that he uses to save lives?



And lastly from the “black magic woman” department comes………..

the story of a former personal assistant to Carlos Santana who’s filed a wrongful termination lawsuit against Carlos and his wife. The former employee, 59, charges that Santana’s wife, Deborah, brought in a man known as “Dr. Dan” so employees could grow closer to God and become better workers thru spiritual calibration thus resulting in a deeper level of consciousness?

In Deborah Santana’s view, the higher a person calibrated with Dr. Dan, the better employee they were because they were more ‘spiritually evolved. And the former employee who apparently calibrated low and was fired is seeking monetary damages for lost wages, emotional distress and unpaid overtime, among other demands.

Now I ain’t saying shit about shit, but what happened to the days when you fetched and roadied for a rocker and on the downlow they slipped you some of the good acid or a couple of bricks of the stinkin devil weed as a perk? See I don’t blame Carlos, but the stinkin MTV and its inherent society.

Shit’s become so fucked up that it’s come to this. Instead of passing to the right and giving everyone on the bus a hit, which will get a muthafucker in trouble since the little narks are everywhere. His wife has to step in a hire this Dr. Dan muthafucker to test people and shit just to see where their consciousness lie and shit. And come the fuck on, this cat had to know when he signed on with Carlos that the muthafucker took too much brown acid back in the day and isn’t right.

But I have to agree and say that more band wives and girlfriends have fucked up some shit. But really, if some cat sporting the dashiki and the white boy fro who goes by the moniker “Dr. Dan” decides to give your ass a “spiritual” test, if you can’t fake the right answers then maybe you should be kicked off the fuckin bus.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"