small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: tea baggin, hotdogs & slappin it up

Wednesday, August 3

tea baggin, hotdogs & slappin it up

Quote of the week.
"It made me sick, kids putting penises on other kids' heads? What does that do for a child's manhood?"
This is from the father of a fifteen year old kid in Philly who’d had his head shaved and was “tea-bagged” by some of his teammates. You know what? Years from now when this little fist-fucker’s all grown up and goes on a maniacal killing rampage where he cuts the cocks off his victims as trophies, they’ll be able to point way back to this tea-bagging incident as a kid to where it all went sour.

This is another fucked up example of how hard some kids have it. It’s bad enough being a teenager trying to make it thru high school all smelling like muddbutt and shit cause your stinkin ass won’t shower after PE class cause you’re sexually immature and scared to show your nekked ass in the shower. Your acne looks like road rash and your fuckin braces are pickin up radio talk shows, so now all you hear is Paul Harvey’s old ass during the day and you’ve become grandpa’s new best friend because if it.

The closest you get to pussy is your cat, and your old man’s down on you cause you’re sporting eyeliner and black fingernail polish, like some little Goth freak. And now your mom caught you punchin the monkey this morning when she went up to wake you up for school and now she’s all freaked out and shit and gone and made an appointment with Father Grabass up at the church to talk to you.

And now to top the whole muthafuckin bullshit heap off, some of the football team caught you smoking in the locker room during practice and after holding you down in the shower and shaving your fuckin head they spent the next ten minutes doing this fucked up porn star shit smacking you across the face with their cocks like you was their bitch and shit! And now your tea-baggin story is all over the fuckin school and you’re forced to move to another school to escape the stinkin ridicule.

But it’s too late, the new school knows what happened, the entire church where your family prays knows and last night someone covered your mom’s car with wet tea bags as some kind of fucked up joke. Your whole stinkin life as a teenager has just gone swirling down the crapper, but it could be worse right? But hey we were all kids at one time or another so we know the deal.

Speaking of being kids, do any of you remember back to when we were all younger and just discovering our bodies and shit for the first time? And you experienced masturbation for the very first time and after that you had to find all the ways to do it? Some of us were like masturbatory monkeys we hit it so hard. I can remember back in the day if I stayed in the bathroom too long my father would holler at me to unass the fuckin bathroom and stop playing with myself.

When I was a kid the hot things to masturbate too were my father’s old Playboy’s or Benny Hill on the TV, but you had to be cool so that your mother wouldn’t catch you. But even though you thought they didn’t know, they knew that you were a jackin off little fool. Mother’s were always complaining; “but honey, can’t we make him stop? Maybe more church would help”. But the old man would always tell her to shut the fuck up, that boys will be boys and shit. Except when it was little sis shoving things up her kooch then the tables would be turned.

You’d be hanging out on the porch with your boys when John John’s little sister would come out on the porch buck nekked with a hotdog hanging out of her pussy sayin; “look I got a pee pee too”! And inside the house you could hear her mother screaming “oh my god, get that child back in the house”! While on the porch we were rollin and laughing till we shit ourselves.

Silly shit like that was always going on, like the time I got hit in the nuts for the very first time. All I knew after that was that someone else had to experience the same pain I did. So I called my best friend over and walked up and slapshotted him in the balls. After that, seeing someone get hit in the sac was the funniest thing ever, until it happened to you again.

And there was always an older kid on the block who’d had his cherry busted at an early age. And he would always hold court testifying on how much pussy he’d just gotten since yesterday. If we was to believe half what he said, girls would just fold up and throw the pussy at em like rice at a wedding. Then there was the local slut who lived on the block. She was usually good for getting a tittie shot when she got bored. Was there such a thing as a hot looking slut back in those days, or were they all mule ass ugly like our’s was?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Yep that kid will be a serial killer someday. He should start with his fucking stupid ass parents

10:14 AM  
Blogger satyavati said...

The difference is that we grew up and got over it instead of spending the rest of our lives using it as excuse to be on welfare and in court to try to get the judge's sympathy so we don't have to go on to the big house.

Ever hear that Eagles song "Get Over It" ?? We all had hard shit to deal with. I know I did. It doesn't mean I can bust a gut and go on a killing spree and get away with it. It just means I have to enhance my coping skills more than other people do.

People are whiners these days. And don't call me a republican for saying that, either.

1:00 PM  
Blogger Bella said...

Tea baggin'.....yeah....tried that one a few years ago with my b/f.....don't like hair in my mouth. :) LMAO!!!!

4:18 PM  
Blogger Mister Whiskers said...

I think that must be the best, and funniest, post on being a kid I have ever read ever. Being a kid sucks. But teabagging is fucking beyond the pale. Somebody should break the faces of these little runts.

Oh, when I was in school somebody hung this kid I knew up by his coat hood from an eight-foot tall fence post. He was there for nearly an hour, unable to get down, and nobody knew where he was. He was only able to get down by using his bodyweight to rip his hood off and run home.

He committed suicide last year.

5:02 PM  
Blogger Billy D said...

Good shit bro.
Being a kid sucked, cuz, even if you were the kid picking on the other ones, there were always some other kid picking on you.
I gave it, and I got it. That's probably why my penis is so damned big now.

6:54 AM  

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