random talk

step away from the flashlight!
Hey, here's a fun little ice-breaker for that next party. Talk the chick with the big rack into taking her shirt and bra off, then turn off the lights in the room and shine a flashlight under one of her breasts. If she has a natural setup nothing will happen, but if she's had the job done or if your asses want to get all PC and shit, enhanced, her titty will light up like a Coleman lantern.


One morning the local rock station was doing stories from listener’s who have died and come back to life. So since I knew the dj, I decided to call in my own story. I ended up winning some free tickets to their annual Freaker’s Ball rock show featuring Marilyn Manson. I know I’ve told it on the site somewhere, but it still makes for a good read.

Back in 1996 the Old LoneStar in Westport had a double bill featuring Fishbone and BioHazard. The fuckin place was packed stupid with people and Fishbone kicked off the show. In anticipation of shit to come we had scored a top-flight stage barricade from one of the big auditorium’s downtown, cause we knew that the mosh pit was gonna be in full effect and we really wanted to keep muthafucker’s off the main stage area. Fishbone did their thing then after a set change BioHazard lit it up.

Now the way the barricade worked was that part of it extended onto the club floor whilst the working end of it was braced with a sawhorse type of arrangement against the stage. It was designed so that the more people pushed up against it, the stronger it became and between the barricade and the stage stood me and three other guys. So like I said BioHazard lit shit up and had muthafucker’s moshing and screaming and all that good rock shit when suddenly they announced to the entire crowd to come join em up on stage.

We found out later that fuckin BioHazard had it in their Rider that audience members were to be allowed on stage at the band’s discretion. And to farther fuck shit up some of the band ran to the edge of the stage and started kicking the fuckin barricade over from their side of it. The fuckin barricade fell over and six hundred sweaty stinkin screaming muthafucker’s started bum rushin the goddamn stage. It was like fuckin Custer getting mowed down at Little Bighorn, I actually tried to move em back and was doing a damn good job of it when I felt something almost audible pop inside me.

I gave it no more thought until a few minutes later when my legs refused to hold me up anymore. By this time the show was over and I made to my truck and got myself home. As soon as I got home the heart attack hit, it probably happened earlier but I wasn’t aware of it. Now here comes the good part. I’m laying in the ER all tubed up and shit with my mother and sister at my side. I’m freaking out and shit telling my sister who to call at work and freaking out even more cause I was scared shitless.

My mother was trying to get me to shut the fuck up and lie still, but I was agitated like a muthafucker. All the medic’s had moved down to the other end of the ER and it was just us three when suddenly this huge wave of peacefulness hit me like a warm soft blanket. All the pain was gone, the freaking out, everything. And this thought came to me; “it’s ok, it’s really ok. If the Man wants me to die I’m cool with that”. I looked at my mother and sister and felt really calm about what might happen.

Now I’m not sure how much time had passed but suddenly doctor’s and nurses and shit came running up to where my bed was. “What just happened? Are you ok? What just happened”!? I guess what happened was that my life vitals had gone flat line. You know, instead of beep, beep, beep, and beep.
It was beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep like a muthafucker! Now you tell me what you think happened? Cause besides the feeling of peacefulness and the ready to go shit, I never noticed a thing. But according to the doctor’s? Shit happened, and my ass had stepped out for that long smoke.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"