small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Thursday, October 27

sweatin the small stuff

From the “enterprising businesswoman of the year” department………………….

comes a story of a fifty-year-old single mother who faces prostitution charges for allegedly running a one-woman brothel masquerading as a massage therapy parlor. The woman was arrested Tuesday and charged with prostitution and controlling a house of prostitution. Her arrest followed a month-long investigation that authorities launched after one of her neighbors in the large apartment complex where the woman lived dropped a dime on her to the cops.

According to the cops, they sent in an undercover dick to check out what was going on and after handing over almost a hundred bucks, the deep-cover cop was given a very soothing massage followed by the offer of a hand job. The woman, who was released on her own recognizance and faces a hearing on the charges Tuesday in municipal court, denied the allegations in an interview yesterday.

The woman who’s also ordained as a minister by an interfaith ministry known as the Universal Brotherhood insists she was set up. "This man was trying to elicit inappropriate behavior from me and I never did it," she said “I never did anything but what was therapeutic." The law-enforcement source said the investigation indicates that the woman preformed hand jobs on some of her male massage clients and performed blow jobs on others.

In her defense the chick agreed that some of her massage techniques could be misconstrued as masturbation of her clients. But she insisted that in those cases she essentially was providing therapy for men suffering from enlarged prostates or erectile dysfunction, rather than performing any kind of sex act. She said she also provides, for some clients who request it, a specialized massage technique in which both she and the client are completely naked. "I'm in the nude and the client's in the nude too," the woman said. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with that kind of massage."

Now after talking it over with the many inside sources, I must say I can’t give a good read on this story. I know more then a few chicks who are massage therapist so I might be kind’a biased. But what other way is there to give a massage then with both parties being buck assed nekked? Plus what man wouldn’t consider a blowjob or an old fashioned hand job as therapeutic? As a matter of fact back in the day buck assed nekked massages was the best way to append a rainy sultry wet afternoon.

Get yourself a bottle or two of baby oil, some plastic sheeting, and off to the races we go. I’m telling you, an oiled up Greg was a happy Greg, and there’s nothing better to look at in the dim light then a fine woman all slicked down with baby oil. And I can’t think of too many things better then a chick’s nice ole oiled up rack rubbing against your back. Just be careful as a muthafucker if you got the wood floors and shit, cause if you’re all oiled up and slip and fall, it’s a bitch trying to get back up.

Now from the “stop, I have something important to say” department…………

comes a story of animal cruelty straight from Rome the home of the Pope. It seems that the city of Rome has banned goldfish bowls, which animal rights activists say are cruel, and has made regular dog-walks mandatory in the Italian capital. The classic spherical fish bowls are banned under a new by-law which also stops fish or other animals from being given away as fairground prizes.

It comes after a national law was passed to allow jail sentences for people who abandon cats or dogs. According to one of the city councilors who enacted the law, "it's good to do whatever we can for our animals who in exchange for a little love fill our lives with wanted attention, and the civilization of a city can also be measured by this type of action”.

According to my many inside sources, it’s been reported that the round glass bowls caused goldfish to go blind, which brings up the question, who really gives a shit or knows when a goldfish is blind. It’s not like catching one of the little muthafuckers tapping along the bottom of the bowl or doing that Stevie Wonder head shake. And of course no one at the Rome city council was available to confirm if this was why they were banned. But of course it’s known by many fish experts that the little round bowls provide insufficient oxygen for fish.

Also in Rome and other parts of Italy, the parliament passed a law setting big fines and jail terms for people who abandon pets and given townships the power to fine pet owners up to 500 euros ($597.70) if they do not walk their dogs at least three times a day. Jesus, this is some harsh shit, and people here bitch at having to pick up their dog’s shit off the sidewalks. The new Rome by-law requires owners to regularly exercise their dogs, and bans them from docking their pets' tails for aesthetic reasons.

And lastly from the “corn eatin retard” department……………..

comes the story of a tragically stupid muthafucker who should’a stayed in bed. Early one Sunday morning, this cat was standing in a parking lot hanging out minding his own shit. Suddenly out of the dark this crackhead does the bum’s rush on him, pulled a handgun and demanded cash, which the victim handed over.

Meanwhile, a pickup truck which police think was the robber's getaway ride, screeched up in reverse, but instead of spiriting the robber away, ending up hitting both the suspect and the victim, apparently by accident. Then the pickup bolted, leaving the robber to limp away with the cash. As he limped away the crackhead found himself lit up by the headlights of this Lexus.

That's when the woman behind the wheel of the Lexus who police suspect was a friend of the victim, rammed the robber with the front of her car. Then backed up and hit him again and again and again. After the forth hit, ole crackhead reached into his pocket to pull his gun, but ended up shooting himself in the leg trying to get it out. That's when the woman hit the crackhead with her car a fifth time. Police finally showed up and arrested the suspected robber, who was not identified, and sent his stupid shot up runned over ass to the hospital.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Sid said...

DEAD from laughter...

I love stupid criminal stories!

11:58 PM  

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