small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: from the archives

Tuesday, March 13

from the archives

I was reading MSNBC and they come out with a list of the top 25 songs to woo your sweetie. Whatever, I just hope my mangina doesn’t pooke out too far while I go over this. Anyway here’s the fuckin list.

My Funny Valentine,” Chet Baker: I love Elvis Costello’s version.

"The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face,” Roberta Flack: Written by the late British folkie Ewan MacColl. Never did anything for me, but one of the ultimate chick songs.

"The Very Thought of You,” Billie Holiday: ugly as a chimps ass, did more drugs then Courtney love, but was untouchable when it came to this kind of shit. Gots to live the pain to sing the pain.

"Something,” Beatles, and "Love,” John Lennon: Can’t seem to remember any of these. Maybe one of you muthafuckers can hum me a few bars.

"Someone to Watch Over Me,” Willie Nelson: Willie rocked the classics unlike Rod Stewart who needs to shut the fuck up and go back to sucking cock for fuck’s sake.

"It’s Not For Me to Say,” Johnny Mathis: Has its place and time, but I’m just not ready to be gay yet.

"When a Man Loves a Woman,” Percy Sledge: Play this enough and I’d fuck you.

"Moon River,” Henry Mancini: Andy Williams?

"I Hear a Symphony,” Supremes: Fuck Diana Ross

"I Will Wait for You,” Michel Legrand: Hum it for me

"Danny’s Song,” Loggins & Messina: the 70’s are dead, thank God

"All I Know” Art Garfunkel: can you say The Boxer and anyone remember that fucked up movie “One trick pony”?

"The Air That I Breathe,” Hollies: bad AM radio.

"I Hope That I Don’t Fall in Love with You,” Tom Waits: don’t recall the song, but I like Tom Waits

"If You Go Away,” Dusty Springfield: Never got her vibe even though she has her own special on PBS.

"When Will I See You Again,” Three Degrees: a sure fire panty ripper

"Annie’s Song,” John Denver: black man’s antichrist

"Lovin’ You,” Minnie Riperton: this song always reminds me of dirty toilets

"I Love Her, She Loves Me,” NRBQ: must’a been drunk during this one. But I did see a NRBQ license plate the other day.

"Wishing on a Star,” Luka Bloom: same for this one

"Dream a Little Dream of Me,” Mama Cass Elliott: I hated Mama Cass’s fat ass, and I fuckin hate this song. Ooh look I rhymed

"I Will Always Love You,” Dolly Parton: Sorry, Dolly, you may have the tits but ole crack head Whitney owns this one

"Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me,” Gladys Knight & The Pips: a lot of kids were conceived to this song due to all the fuckin that happened whilst it was playing.

"The Best Is Yet to Come,” Tony Bennett: a classic put out by a classic.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Anonymous Anonymous said...

WTF!? No "Shake Ya Ass" or "Smack That?" How did anyone ever get pregnant with that crap?!

1:45 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

Better than what's on the radio these day's every song you hear is Attitude with drama that would make judge judy quit her job.........Mr.Boombastic by shaggy would be a better song. Love songs suck right now ........Evermore

2:07 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

What. The. Fuck?? Andy goddamn Williams and John fucktard Denver are on the list and not ONE fucking Barry White song?!?

Shit, "Love Serenade" is like the Jedi Mind Trick of sweetie wooing songs.

"Never Never Gonna Give Ya Up" used to be the all time king. More people goy laid to that song than all the other songs on that list combined. But now I can't hear it without thinking of Gollum and Smeagol. Eww.

That's some boolsheet.

6:44 PM  
Anonymous Joshua Xalpharis said...

I must be some strange breed of suburban white kid, because I always threw on Nine Inch Nails' Closer when it was time to get to the lovin'.

Even with the.. 4 songs I recognize on this list, I wouldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of weekend passes if I was playing this horseshit. I think I'll make a list.

5:16 AM  
Blogger PGP said...

Bahh! Turn the fukin music OFF and make your own noise baby!

11:21 PM  

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