I think something's stuck in my undercarriage
I feel so bad today.
See, I’m one of those drivers who’ll jump a curb instead of running down a stupid squirrel or chipmunk.
And I’ll honk at birds and shit so as to make em clear the fuckin road so as not to hit em, which brings me to what happened this morning on the way to work.
There I am driving, minding my own business and shit when I see this bird standing in the middle of the road like he owned it.
I was gonna honk the horn but since it was early in the morning I decided against it and anyway, what bird doesn’t fly out of the way when it sees a big ass car coming?
So I just kept driving expecting to see the bird flying away as it dropped a load of crap on my hood for disturbing it.
But I never saw the bird fly away and suddenly I heard a noise.
“Oh my fuckin god” did I just run over the fuckin bird?
Because the noise I heard was that kind’a wet popping balloon sound small animals tend to make as the tires of a four-thousand pound car makes contact with their small brains and intestines.
So I slid to a halt and looked behind me only to see the same bird lying in the road deader then a muthafucker.
What the fuck just happened?
Did the fuckin bird decided to commit suicide and instead of eating a bullet use my car instead?
Why didn’t the muthafucker do like everyone else and just hop or fly out of the way? It’s not like he was stunned by my natural beauty and went into shock and shit.
Am I now cursed for all eternity because I mowed down some stupid black bird? Fuck, it’s not like I killed and ate a fuckin Bald Eagle or some such shit but I just feel horrible.
"and the monkey flipped the switch"