small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: I think something's stuck in my undercarriage

Thursday, May 24

I think something's stuck in my undercarriage

I feel so bad today.

See, I’m one of those drivers who’ll jump a curb instead of running down a stupid squirrel or chipmunk.

And I’ll honk at birds and shit so as to make em clear the fuckin road so as not to hit em, which brings me to what happened this morning on the way to work.

There I am driving, minding my own business and shit when I see this bird standing in the middle of the road like he owned it.

I was gonna honk the horn but since it was early in the morning I decided against it and anyway, what bird doesn’t fly out of the way when it sees a big ass car coming?

So I just kept driving expecting to see the bird flying away as it dropped a load of crap on my hood for disturbing it.

But I never saw the bird fly away and suddenly I heard a noise.

“Oh my fuckin god” did I just run over the fuckin bird?

Because the noise I heard was that kind’a wet popping balloon sound small animals tend to make as the tires of a four-thousand pound car makes contact with their small brains and intestines.

So I slid to a halt and looked behind me only to see the same bird lying in the road deader then a muthafucker.

What the fuck just happened?

Did the fuckin bird decided to commit suicide and instead of eating a bullet use my car instead?

Why didn’t the muthafucker do like everyone else and just hop or fly out of the way? It’s not like he was stunned by my natural beauty and went into shock and shit.

Am I now cursed for all eternity because I mowed down some stupid black bird? Fuck, it’s not like I killed and ate a fuckin Bald Eagle or some such shit but I just feel horrible.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Happy In Bag said...

Earlier this week I spotted a baby blue jay trapped on a street. His little legs had been crushed and were glued to the pavement. Yet he was still flapping his wings and desperately squawking. He had no choice but to face the cars coming right at him like bullets from a firing squad. Awful.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual said...

I took out a squirrel once - left the damn thing twitching in my wake. Horrible.
Now taking out people - I got no problem with that. But the squirrel still sticks with me. Damn suicidal rodents.

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i ran over a small turtle last friday. i immediately said i was either going to turtle hell or his cousins would stalk haunt me. it probably was injured and just couldnt move. his cousins saw that and now you will be shit on by everything flyin. do flies shit when their airborne?
-- so says the sister

1:26 PM  
Blogger curmudgeon said...

Eh, no worry. Birds will fly unless they've already been hit and crippled up by another car.
You probably did it a favor putting it out of its misery.

2:39 PM  
Blogger Spyder said...

I lived out in the country outside of Jacksonville, Fl years ago. I was probably all of 19 or 20. First day heading to my first real office job, I hit a chicken on the way!

3:24 PM  
Blogger frog pajamas said...

"It’s not like he was stunned by my natural beauty and went into shock and shit."

yes huh.

5:55 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

Are you cursed for all eternity for running over a bird?

You get more bad karma on a daily basis over all those dead animals you intentionally eat than over one bird you unintentionally hit with your car.

Is there really a difference between running over a bird and eating dead animals? Not really. So you're getting the bad karma either way.

Not meaning to bring you down or anything, just sayin it how it is.

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now, birds is birds, and I love 'em like you do, but if it was a crow, well, then the bitch had it coming.

I hate those freakin' things.

Steve B

7:02 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

"Why didn’t the muthafucker do like everyone else and just hop or fly out of the way?"

Probably because she was sitting in her poorly placed nest trying to protect and warm all of her featherless little hatchlings...which you also killed.


9:36 PM  
Blogger PGP said...

It's just avian suicide!
You did not do it! The twit did it to itself!
No Karma penalty to be paid by you..... but the bird may already have been reborn as a worm!

3:03 PM  

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