small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Thursday, December 29

sweatin the small stuff

From the “you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but she’ll still be a whore” department ………..

comes a tale of the wife of Democratic U.S. Rep. John Conyers punching another woman in the eye during a bar fight. According to my many inside sources, Monica, a city councilwoman-elect and wife of U.S. Rep, John Conyers was at this bar where a big birthday bash for a local attorney was going down. Ole Monica was off in a corner sparking up a conversation for old time’s sake if you will with the birthday boy when his date, some chick by the name of Rebecca came over to see what was up.

Now according to my many inside sources, what happened next kind of depends on whose story you believe. Monica say’s that she was just having an innocent conversation and shit when this Rebecca chick runs over and starts calling her a whore and to unass her man. Rebecca then starts screaming all kinds of shit and starts shoving Monica, who in the spirit of defending herself clocked the bitch in her right eye, thus knocking her the fuck out.

But if you was to ask Rebecca what happened, she’d tell you that all she saw was some strange bitch talking up her date and when she walked over and tapped the bitch on her shoulder to introduce herself the crazy skank flipped out and started cussing her out. And when Rebecca started yelling back at her that’s when Monica started bitch smacking her, thus knocking her the fuck out. Both women filed police reports. A message left with police Friday was not immediately returned.

And from the “this is how you know that Santa hates the fuck out of you” department……..

comes a sad tale of a fourteen-year-old girl who received a new Apple iPod Christmas morning only to open the sealed box and instead of a shiny new iPod waiting inside, found the box to be full of rancid mystery meat. But before I continue let’s try to picture that moment shall we?

First off we know that being a young teenager the little bitch had probably been bugging the fuck out of her parents all year about wanting a goddamned iPod. So when she tore the wrapping paper off and saw the box I bet she gave out a squeal that made the family cat shit it’s self. She’s ripping into the box whilst her parents are laughing and her little brother is bumming that he didn’t get something so cool only to shake out a piece of putrid flank steak.

She starts screaming and crying, “why, why, why, what did I do to make you hate me so much!!!!” It’s like that scene from the movie Carrie where she’s on stage at the graduation and gets the pig’s blood dumped on her. Anyway, the mother said the box was sealed and that it didn't appear to have been tampered with when she brought it home from the Wal-Mart where she works.

According to my many inside sources, an investigation found that a former employee apparently fucked with a shipment of iPods and put the meat into several packages.
The Wal-Mart where the device was purchased from promised to give the family a new iPod from the next shipment the store receives. This just goes to show that you shouldn’t be buying shit from Wal-Mart.

And lastly from the “foiled again” department……….

comes a story of a person who can only be described as a budding super villain getting caught up in the realities of modern life. The person who goes by the name Vladimir owned this crazy looking house near the University of Washington Tacoma campus. The house which was built in the late 1880s looked like some sort of gothic art-deco cathedral. And after years of battling with the city over building code violations, the fight is over and Vladimir is losing his dream home. In October, a Superior Court judge upheld a city order declaring the house a dangerous building and ordering that it be repaired or demolished.

According to my many inside sources, Vladimir, who lives in the house without electricity, listed the property with Coldwell Banker earlier this month and is working on moving out. The house which Vladimir dreamed of encasing in concrete and using as the core for a 500-foot office and condominium tower will be torn down within the next couple of months. Now I don’t know about you muthafucker’s but if that doesn’t sound like it would be one badass super villain’s lair, I don’t know what the fuck does.

Vladimir whose in his late fifties, estimates he’s invested $2 million worth of time in “research and development” and that the legal battles with the city have “drained him dry. The only thing that could salvage his dream now is a deep-pocketed investor willing to finance the demolition and construction of a new high-rise with its concrete incased lair.

Vladimir, a self-described architect, sculptor and cinematographer, said he planned all along to develop it as a commercial building with space for parking, offices and condominiums. Features were to include “a superior anti-terrorist design,” an indoor pool and spa, a restaurant and an air taxi. In anticipation of the helicopter shuttle service, the word “TAXI” is spelled out on one of two doors leading from the covered front porch of the existing house.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Mister Whiskers said...

I always did wonder how Blofeld got planning permission for that volcano.

5:28 PM  

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