sweatin the small stuff

From the “so what cha gonna do, sue me” department……….

comes a story of tall dogs and the people who they consider their little bitches as New York Times reporter Tim O’Brien is finding out. See, yesterday Donald Trump filed a lawsuit against New York Times reporter Tim O'Brien alleging that O'Brien's book about Trump, “TrumpNation: The Art of Being the Donald”, fucked over the world-famous businessman. In the lawsuit, Trump alleges that O'Brien knowingly made bullshit and outright nasty statements about Trump, his family, his personal life and how he does his business and shit. Which according to my many inside sources ain’t what really set the Donald off, and that he was pretty cool with shit until muthafucker’s started saying things about Trump’s net worth and how much money he really had.

Like shit that Trump was not remotely close to being a billionaire, and that his "net worth actually made him nothing more then a common millionaire. According to my many inside sources, the Donald got so pissed that he laid the pimp hand down on his own hairpiece. So ole Donald is suing the cat along with his publisher Warner Books to the tune of five billion dollars. Now as an aside, I don’t know about you muthafuckers but I’ve made the sincere effort my entire life not to get sued by anyone. And I can’t even begin to imagine what emotions would befall me if I found out I was being sued for a large amount of money especially five billion.

So imagine that moment at the O’Brien household as Tim is sitting around in his underwear at the kitchen table opening up his mail and shit only to pop open this letter from the organization of badass lawyers telling him that Donald Trump is in the process of suing his ass back into the stone age to the tune of billions and billions of dollars. I think at first I’d call bullshit, then I’d break a few blood vessels worrying and after that I’d fall into a deep coma with my ass up in the air. Shit, the best you can hope for after something like that is maybe the fuckin sun going nova.







From the “when a glass of water won’t do” department……….

arrives a story so sad it’s actually stupid and kind of funny in a fucked up kind of way. Over in the Caribbean port city of Barranquilla some of the neighbors were hanging out on the patio having a few drinks when they were joined by Rafael and his young nephew David. Dave’s a student at the local university and his uncle Rafael works as a security guard around town. Now according to my many inside sources, David started hiccupping and shit and no matter what he did, he couldn’t get em to stop.

So his uncle stands up and say’s let’s try my old home remedy and scare the hiccups right out of young David. Yeah, ole Rafael stands up and pulls his gun and points it at his nephew like he was gonna shoot em and shit. Which is exactly what happened as the fuckin gun went off blowing a hole in David’s neck killing the fuck out’a his hiccupping ass.

And according to my many inside sources, ole Rafael was so fucked up with the dumbass over accidentally killing his nephew that he turned the pistol around and killed himself right there on the spot. Such a senseless death since everybody knows that the best way to get rid of hiccups is to have someone hold their hands over your ears whilst you hold your nose shut whilst drinking down a glass of water. Just goes to show you, hiccups and whiskey just make for a bad mix.







And lastly from the “two left feet” department……….

comes a story of an Oregon man getting pulled over for driving like he was stupid. See last Friday on this stretch of highway in southern Oregon, a state trooper pulled over this SUV because it was driving the wrong way down the highway. After talking with the young cat driving, the trooper was only gonna detain his silly ass especially after getting a ration of lip from the kid. But then the kid’s father who was in the passenger seat decided he wanted a piece of the trooper and after getting out of the truck, pulled the bum’s rush on the trooper only to get knocked down. After getting knocked down a few times the father in what only can be described as a moment of drunken idiocy unstrapped his prosthetic leg and threw it at the trooper.

It was like who the fuck knew this old bastard had a fake leg and would throw it? And to make it more fucked up he then took off his other fake leg and threw that at the trooper, who according to my many inside sources, really did a good job of showing restraint and not capping the old muthafucker. It goes without saying that both father and son are spending a few night in the local slammer. But here’s the funny part. This got me and the many inside sources reminiscing about back when I managed the big music store here in midtown.

Next door right across the parking lot sat this hole in the wall bar called Chez Charlie’s that we all drank at after work. This place was about as old school as you could get. No food in the bar unless the bartender brought it from home, no reading unless it was the sports section of the paper, no drinks with juice and if you ordered a whiskey, you might want that muthafucker on the rocks to avoid any shit with the owner Charlie. Now Charlie was this old crusty muthafucker who used to be a boxer back in his day who didn’t back down from anybody.

So one night as we’re leaving the music store we see paddy wagons and shit blocking the parking lot. It seems that some young punk whippersnapper started talking smart to ole Charlie in his bar and ended up getting knocked the fuck out by the old man. Which was par for the course but the thing that floored me was that the cops had Charlie sitting on his ass in the parking lot. I walked up for a better look and they were all gathered around as Charlie unstrapped both his prosthetic legs. I was to find out later from my old man that before you could book someone or transport em to jail, if they had the fake arms or legs, they had to take em off since they could be used as weapons and shit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"