sweatin the small stuff

From the “Godzilla said what” department………….

comes a story of nature gone mad in the form of a giant slimy jellyfish weighing as much as a sumo wrestler that has Japan's fishing industry in the grip of its poisonous tentacles. According to my many inside sources, vast numbers of the monstrous jellyfish have appeared around Japan's coast since July, attacking and ripping fishing nets and forcing fishermen to spend hours hacking them apart before bringing home their reduced catches. Cutting up and disposing of the giant jelly fish can turn a three-hour fishing trip into a ten-hour marathon, whilst valuable fish are poisoned or crushed under the weight of the unwanted catch.

Despite their Godzilla like size, almost six feet long and weighing up to four hundred pounds, the invertebrates aren't toxic enough to cause serious harm to humans, but fishermen often wear goggles and protective clothing to avoid stings when dealing with them. And dealing with them they must, hacking and cutting them into little bits in order to remove them from their fishing nets.

A spokesman for the National Fisheries Research Institute in Niigata, Japan was quoted as saying, “ahhhhhhhhhhieeeeeeeeee, the fuckin jellyfish are like these huge fat stinging aliens who are intent on destroying our fishing industry. We’ve actually sent a call to Monster Island for Mothra and Godzilla to come aid us but they haven’t returned our calls, we are indeed doomed.”

According to my many inside sources, much about the jellyfish, which go by the insidious name of the “Echizen kurage” the largest variety found in the Sea of Japan, remains a mystery and despite their size, the invertebrates aren't toxic enough to cause serious harm to humans. But help for the hapless Japanese fishermen seems to be on the way in the form of China, where the giant mutant jellyfish are a delicacy often served dried and dressed with sesame oil. It seems that the stinkin Chinese seemed to have registered the huge outbreak as more food on the plate not as a major problem.

And we quote, "We Chinese scoff at the sissy Japanese and their fear of the giant Echizen kurage, good with crispy noodles we say". In fact at the writing of this story seaside communities in Japan have tried to capitalize on the menace by developing novel giant jellyfish dishes from tofu to ice cream, but for some reason the recipes have failed to take off. And they are also experimenting with feeding the huge jellyfish to farmed crabs and using them as fertilizer. As for me and the many inside sources, we eagerly await word from the famed Iron Chef Stadium as to when they will hold the giant jellyfish battle.




And from the “I know what you did last summer” department……….

comes a story of talky pets, and love gone wrong. A computer programmer was hanging out at the crib one night and his pet parrot Ziggy was sitting in his cage eating a cracker and shit, doing what ever it is that parrots do. But instead of Polly wants a cracker, ole Ziggy kept repeating the phrase over and over “I love you Gary”.
Now according to my many inside sources, this perplexed the cat and when his girlfriend came home he mentioned it to her.

Much to his chagrin he witnessed his girlfriend’s face turning beet red and that’s when he found out his girlfriend was fucking someone else behind his back. Then if that didn’t beat all, Ziggy starting repeating a new phrase, “Hi’ya Gary” over and over in the chick’s voice.

The girlfriend then admitted she'd been fuckin a coworker behind the boyfriend’s back for the past four months. So the boyfriend kicked the chick to the curb and would have lived happily ever after with Ziggy the parrot until he realized he had to get rid of the parrot too. It seems that the parrot wouldn’t stop repeating “I love you Gary” in his girlfriend’s voice.

He said that he loved Ziggy very much but couldn’t stand to keep hearing his unfaithful girlfriend’s voice every day repeating how much she loved Gary. "I still can't believe Ziggy's gone. I know I'll get over the bitch, but I don't think I'll ever get over Ziggy who I got as a chick eight years ago and named after the David Bowie character Ziggy Stardust.

The bird we're happy to say has now found a new home through the offices of a local parrot dealer. The girlfriend who admitted the affair, said: "I'm not proud of what I did but I'm sure he would be the first to admit we were having problems. She added that she was really surprised to hear he got rid of that bird. "He spent more time talking to it than he did to me. Yeah and loose lips sink ships and fuckin you was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway said the ex boyfriend.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"