Saint Valentine's Day

For those of you not down with some shit, Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome, February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage and understandably she was also the god of finance. The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia. This festival was in honor of the god Lupercus.

During this time shitloads of hungry wolves hung around outside of Rome where shepherds kept their flocks of sheep. The God Lupercus was said to watch over the shepherds and their flocks and protect them from the wolves. And every February the Romans celebrated a feast called Lupercalia to honor Lupercus so that no harm would come to the shepherds and their flocks.

The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate, no dating or fuckin around unless arranged. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of Lupercalia the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and he’d get to hang out for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and more often then not, they would fall in love and would later marry.

Now under the rule of Emperor Claudius II, Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns and Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. Which if the truth be known muthafuckers just didn’t feel like fighting his wars and being away from home for months at a time. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. Hey, you want pussy, you come fight my wars.

Now during all this the good Saint Valentine was a priest in Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and one of his priest buddies, Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples. And for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off and shit. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270, hence St. Valentines Day.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"