small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: Saint Valentine's Day

Tuesday, February 14

Saint Valentine's Day

For those of you not down with some shit, Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome, February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage and understandably she was also the god of finance. The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia. This festival was in honor of the god Lupercus.

During this time shitloads of hungry wolves hung around outside of Rome where shepherds kept their flocks of sheep. The God Lupercus was said to watch over the shepherds and their flocks and protect them from the wolves. And every February the Romans celebrated a feast called Lupercalia to honor Lupercus so that no harm would come to the shepherds and their flocks.

The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate, no dating or fuckin around unless arranged. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of Lupercalia the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and he’d get to hang out for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and more often then not, they would fall in love and would later marry.

Now under the rule of Emperor Claudius II, Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns and Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. Which if the truth be known muthafuckers just didn’t feel like fighting his wars and being away from home for months at a time. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. Hey, you want pussy, you come fight my wars.

Now during all this the good Saint Valentine was a priest in Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and one of his priest buddies, Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples. And for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off and shit. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270, hence St. Valentines Day.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger LL said...

Damn, ya big party poop!!

9:21 AM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

I heard on the radio that Valentine was in love with the Jailers daughter, sent her a letter the day before he died. Nice, but the fucker still is dead

10:10 AM  
Blogger satyavati said...

Well gee, that's romantic.. where do the chocolates come into it? Love you anyway... happy Valentines day!

10:39 AM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

Chocolate's come in at the point where I would fly down from the sky on a giant raven on valentine's eve bringing Flower, Candy, Chocolate's, Bath Oils, and Valentines Cards to all the lovely ladies of the world. If you did not get any that means you have been very very naughty. But if you have been erotically naughty all gifts will bestowed on thee...But last night I was to busy proposing to a sweet lovely lady so I left greg in charge of everything....Happy Valentines Day.....Evermore

3:21 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

Okay. I understand the historical perspective now. Thank you. That was very informative.

But what's the deal with the neekid-angel-baby shootin' people in the ass with arrows?

What twisted S&M, repressed, religious freak came up with that?

You want to tell me you love me? Fine. But don't go shootin' arrows in my ass. Xavier don't swing that way.

10:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so did the intended say yes?
-- so asks the sister

8:44 AM  

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