sweatin the small stuff

From the “try this fuckin Jared from Subway” department……………………..

comes a story of a woman known as the Black Widow who’s a rockstar on the competitive eating circuit. She holds numerous world eating records, including forty-six dozen oysters in ten minutes, eleven pounds of cheesecake in nine minutes, forty-eight chicken tacos in eleven minutes, thirty-seven hot dogs plus buns in twelve minutes and fifty-six hamburgers in eight minutes.

And dig this, the chick only tips the scale at a hundred pounds. Well the other day she fucked over another world record by knocking back twenty-six grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes thus winning the World Grilled Cheese Sandwich eating Championships which were held in New York City. Can you imagine going out with this chick and after pumping out a weeks pay for dinner her telling you she’s not sucking your dick? Food for thought huh?

She reminds me of one of my stripper roommates from back in the day. This chick was hot, weighed around a hundred pounds wet and could put fuckin Vikings to shame the way she tossed back food. We had just moved in together and after dragging female crap in the house all day I decided to go buy a slab of ribs. But I forget the cokes so to the store I went right? When I got back she was asleep on the couch and all that was left of the fuckin ribs was the fuckin paper they came wrapped in.
She was like this hot tittylicious food consuming freak.

One day we went to one of those all you can ear buffets. I had maybe a plate and a half of food while she tossed back plate after plate after plate. It got so bad the Asian owner came running up wringing her hands going;

“you no eat no more, you no eat no more, we closed, you take her and go now”

I had to carry her out to the car cause she was like some snake after sucking down a whole pig. Just moaning with her eyes half closed and lethargic as a muthafucker. Thank god there weren’t any warm boulders around cause I know she would have crawled up on one and fell asleep.




From the “isn’t that special” department……………………..

and lastly comes a story where members of a church in Indiana are saying that a wooden door leading into the church bears the image of Jesus. The congregation of the Reigning Light of the Healing Chapel said the image in the wood grain is similar to that of the Shroud of Turin and that it makes their church special.

According to my many inside sources, who have seen and examined the door have this to say. First off, what’s up with muthafuckers seeing Jesus’s face in shit all the time? They see Jesus in apples, in potatoes, on hot buttered toast, on the side of stinkin bridges and shit, fried chicken, or even some stripper's oiled ass, what the fuck?

Secondly, if your ass is that close to god, Jesus or who the fuck ever, where you can see his face in a cheap wood grained door, then maybe your ass ain’t from around here and you need to go back home to your world with it’s different colored sky. It’s like what the hell makes seeing Jesus so fuckin special? I know drunks who see Jesus all the time after a few cocktails. In fact I remember when I saw Jesus. That muthafucker had to be two stories tall not counting the platforms he was wearing. But since I stopped drinking Old Crow he hasn’t come around anymore. Go figure.

and the monkey flipped the switch