you like my udders, huh?

Monday I had to drive a couple of hours out of town down I-70 for some training. I had to be there early so I left my house around four in the morning which gave me enough time to swing by the job and switch into another vehicle.

As a result of leaving so fuckin early in the goddamned morning most of my drive was done in the dark. Which I don’t really have a problem with excepting for the fact that I missed out on seeing all the fun scenery like cows and such.

And of course when you’re doing seventy going down the freeway its kind’a hard looking into folk’s windows and shit as you pass em by. And I’m not saying that’s what I do but if I’m passing a farmhouse and the lights are on and the shades open, I’m looking.

But it did make for a peaceful drive which got shattered all to fuck as soon as I pulled into the parking lot of where I had to be. I pull into the parking lot and find myself facing the building which had a glass front.

I’m looking into the building and looking out at me is this armed guard who hops up and comes rushing out. I’m thinking whose fuckin toes did I step on now and why is this muthafucker walking up on me and shit.

He gets to my window and looks at my ID and I ask em is everything all right. I come to find out that the sight of the government tags on the SUV I was driving freaked him out and he thought someone of importance was arriving.

Hmmm, large ruggedly handsome blackman in a large SUV with government tags? I could see that. Anyway, I did my training and later that afternoon I’m heading back to town.

Its daylight and I’m enjoying myself immensely looking at farmhouses and cows and shit when I start to notice something odd. Since when did I-70 between Kansas City and Saint Louis become the porn capital of the Midwest?

I swear to god that every ten miles or so I saw a sign for something called a porn superstore. I’m thinking at first that the signs were for just one porn superstore but sure as shit after every sign there stood off the road this crappy looking building called a porn superstore.

Now I dig porn as much as the next cat but I’d think it’ll be kind’a hard to get your jack-off on whilst driving down the freeway. What purpose does it serve putting dozens of porn shops on I-70?

Does the trucker crowd generate that much business or the farm crowd? I could maybe see the truckers getting bored and checking it out but farmers already got cows and shit so what more do they need. And I didn’t notice if there were any buggies parked out in front of these places so I can’t say what the fuckin Amish or Mennonites are up too

"and the monkey flipped the switch"