blast from the past.......fears of a black camp

I was once asked to go with some friends on a float trip and that if I went one of my gal pals said she’d show me her impersonation of Eve. Talk about pressure, not only is peer pressure a bitch but throw in the buck nekked chicks and it all gets confusing.

But I told em that I was gonna pass. It’s all about the bears because somewhere out there is a bear with my name on it. And I just know that if I were to go camping in the woods it would come and I don’t want to be fighting nobody’s stinking ass bear.

Oh yeah, they tell me that there’s no bears in the state of Missouri and I got nothing to be afraid of but they don’t know bears like I do. Plus there’s the shitting in the woods and all that. If I want to get back to nature I’ll watch the fuckin Learning Channel.

I’ll most likely get called a pussie but my fear of bears runs too deep. Plus with my luck it’ll be a gay bear and I’ll end up with bear cock in my ass and then get eaten. And don’t even get me started on the fact that I can’t swim, I tend to float like a cork but that’s as good as it gets.

Yeah, like vicious bear rape is worth seeing the full Monty and having fun or do I just leave well enough alone? I mean it’s like goddamn, I’m a brave man and all that but I know shits not like the fuckin movies.

Where every time the heroine or hero of a scary movie hears a noise or spots a strange light off in the woods they have to go to see what’s up. Well, I’m here to tell ya, fuck that! No way, kiss my ass. It’s like I said, I consider myself a brave man, but when it comes to unknown shit in the woods I know exactly what to do, which is to move rapidly in the opposite direction.

I’ve been in over five or six thousand bar fights as a bouncer over a twenty-year period, but I still have a problem watching scary shit on the TV. When some cats in front of me throwing a punch, that’s something I can see, feel, and react too. Something glowing and floating and humming to it’s self off in the woods is just wrong.

Now you know why I don’t dig the woods and camping. And I know all about the “how bad can it be factor”. But I’ve garnered a lot of advice from experienced people on the subject and I’ll share a few with you.

• Getting squirted by a skunk is just fucked up.

• Nothings sucks like getting bitten by a tick that’s spent the last few days sucking on a dead deer’s ass.

• You’ll be begging God to kill the mosquitoes.

• The Blair Witch was real.

• Do the words “squeal like a pig” mean anything?

• Shitting in the woods and suddenly feeling something knocking at your back door.

• You wanna shit like a hero? Then drink river water, it ain’t like the fuckin movies.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"