small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: blast from the past.......fears of a black camp

Tuesday, January 9

blast from the past.......fears of a black camp

I was once asked to go with some friends on a float trip and that if I went one of my gal pals said she’d show me her impersonation of Eve. Talk about pressure, not only is peer pressure a bitch but throw in the buck nekked chicks and it all gets confusing.

But I told em that I was gonna pass. It’s all about the bears because somewhere out there is a bear with my name on it. And I just know that if I were to go camping in the woods it would come and I don’t want to be fighting nobody’s stinking ass bear.

Oh yeah, they tell me that there’s no bears in the state of Missouri and I got nothing to be afraid of but they don’t know bears like I do. Plus there’s the shitting in the woods and all that. If I want to get back to nature I’ll watch the fuckin Learning Channel.

I’ll most likely get called a pussie but my fear of bears runs too deep. Plus with my luck it’ll be a gay bear and I’ll end up with bear cock in my ass and then get eaten. And don’t even get me started on the fact that I can’t swim, I tend to float like a cork but that’s as good as it gets.

Yeah, like vicious bear rape is worth seeing the full Monty and having fun or do I just leave well enough alone? I mean it’s like goddamn, I’m a brave man and all that but I know shits not like the fuckin movies.

Where every time the heroine or hero of a scary movie hears a noise or spots a strange light off in the woods they have to go to see what’s up. Well, I’m here to tell ya, fuck that! No way, kiss my ass. It’s like I said, I consider myself a brave man, but when it comes to unknown shit in the woods I know exactly what to do, which is to move rapidly in the opposite direction.

I’ve been in over five or six thousand bar fights as a bouncer over a twenty-year period, but I still have a problem watching scary shit on the TV. When some cats in front of me throwing a punch, that’s something I can see, feel, and react too. Something glowing and floating and humming to it’s self off in the woods is just wrong.

Now you know why I don’t dig the woods and camping. And I know all about the “how bad can it be factor”. But I’ve garnered a lot of advice from experienced people on the subject and I’ll share a few with you.

• Getting squirted by a skunk is just fucked up.

• Nothings sucks like getting bitten by a tick that’s spent the last few days sucking on a dead deer’s ass.

• You’ll be begging God to kill the mosquitoes.

• The Blair Witch was real.

• Do the words “squeal like a pig” mean anything?

• Shitting in the woods and suddenly feeling something knocking at your back door.

• You wanna shit like a hero? Then drink river water, it ain’t like the fuckin movies.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger CapricornCringe said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in the last 10 minutes :)

I once went skinnydipping with my boyfriend out at Jacomo. We saw a patrol boat a ways off so we jumped out of the water and ran into to the woods to get dressed. I put my clothes on in a patch of poison ivy.

I'll let you do the rest ...

8:11 PM  
Blogger Spyder said...

Greg, You & Colbert have something in common. He doesn't like bears either.

Many years ago,1968, when I (11 years old) used to live in Canada 6 bears came out of the woods & into our back yard over the summer. My youngest sister was a infant & in her playpen outside 1/2 hour before one of the came out. Dad shot 3, Papa ( my grandfather)shot 1, and Mom shot 2. One of hers weighed 400lbs. She used a 30.30 Winchester rifle from her kitchen window. I have a healthy respect of bears. One summer, about 10 years ago, we were blueberry picking way in the woods back up in Canada and my sister heard heavy breathing. She slowly backed away from what we found out to be a mother bear with 3 cubs. Luckly we were in the truck when we did see them.

10:52 PM  
Blogger Well Hell Michelle said...

I camp at campgrounds that have bathrooms, or at least port-a-potties. I can't deal with the whole shitting in the woods thing either, Greg.

12:55 PM  
Blogger "The D" said...

This was hilarious I laughed until I stopped.

I used to shit in a latriene, that had TP on a stick.

2:02 PM  
Anonymous RD said...

Actually Greg 'ol buddy, we had a pretty good size black bear run over by a car out here in Jackson, MO a few months back. I think they said he was headed your direction. :)

2:18 PM  
Blogger PGP said...

May I suggest that if you can't get your head around the concept of who shits where out in nature just remember this.....
- Poisonous plants are there to keep you out so deal with it!
- there's more damned things that will kill you in your own neighborhood than in the bush
- Nature does not give a flyin fork if you live or die and as long as you understand that you can get along fine with her

- Bears ARE NOT the top of the food chain! I am!

Good post Greg ..... brought to mind many stories of bad decisions made by green outdoors goers! :)

8:30 PM  

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