small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, February 2

sweatin the small stuff

I’m reading with great relief that the cops caught that priest over in Vegas who’s accused of beating, groping and choking a soloist at his Las Vegas church the other day.

According to my many inside sources, the soloist who used to be a Vegas showgirl back in the day also works in the church office. She was sitting at her desk doing paperwork and such when the priest came in breathing all hard and shit.

Suddenly out of nowhere he smacks her in the head with this bottle of communion wine, grabs her by the fuckin hair and drags her ass down the hall toward his office.

So she starts fighting this crazy muthafucker only to pass out from being hit over the fuckin head with a full bottle of wine. It could have been a few minutes or a few seconds, but she comes too only to find this muthafucker feeling her up like a five-dollar crack whore.

He’s grabbing her tits, trying to drop three fingers off in her and all the while she’s doing her church-lady best to fight this horny muthafucker off. She’s holding her own until the priest actually straddles her and starts choking the shit out of her.

That’s when she began praying and pleading for her life. Now something must’a clicked cause the priest suddenly stopped choking her and started muttering shit about what oh have I done and that he has to kill himself. He tells the church chick to hang out and that he’ll call an ambulance and with that he split.

After hunting for this cat for a few days the cops got a tip and arrested him in this small town about 30 miles east of Phoenix. They ended up charging this crazy horntoad bastard with attempted murder, sexual assault, kidnapping and battery with a deadly weapon.

And like I said I’m so relieved because when’s the last time you heard of a priest getting busted for doing something relatively normal like trying to get some ass off a person of the opposite sex, and not a kid?

All I’m saying is that sexual assault not withstanding, I think it’s a breath of fresh air to find a priest that goes, “goddammit I’m hard up like a muthafucker, I think I’ll knock me off a piece of that”, and goes after the grown assed woman. I’m just saying and shit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger satyavati said...

You forgot the most bullshit part of this: the priest is on PAID LEAVE.

What, exactly, is THAT shit all about?

If you or me did something like this I can bet you that we wouldn't be sitting in jail collecting a paycheck.

So it's still all just bullshit, isn't it.

8:18 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

Maybe "The Church" should back off that prohibition against masturbation. Provide the priesthood with some wholesome porn.

A little monkey slapping could go a long way towards preventing twisted shit like this.

That whole Vow of Celibacy thing needs to have an exemption for Rosy Palm and her five sisters.

Better to have a chicken chokin' chaplin than a psuedo-priestly pederast.

In my humble opinion.

9:09 PM  

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