small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: Mr. Sandman, dream me a dream

Monday, June 4

Mr. Sandman, dream me a dream

Up in the land of the round bacon this cat was at a party and after getting his drink on fell asleep on the couch with this chick he’d been talking too.

A few hours later he found himself getting slapped awake by the chick who was all what the fuck are you doing? Because the what the fuck was he doing was that he had slipped her the cock and was just banging away like a retard on his sister.

Which if you think the chick was surprised, imagine the surprise on the cat’s face since for all intents and purposes he claims he was asleep and was unaware that he was doing the deed?

Cops were called, small children were traumatized and he ended up in court on sexual assault charges.

But to the chagrin of female canucks everywhere the cat was acquitted of all charges and the case is now on appeal.

And why you’re most likely asking, was he cleared of the sexual assault charges?

Well according to my many unknown sources, under Canadian law “if there's no intent to commit a crime, you haven't committed a crime”. Now I know you’re as fucked up with the dumbass as I am, but check this out.

The cat has a long history of sleepwalking which according to my many inside sources, belongs to a group of behaviors known as “parasomnias”, which can run the gamut from sleepwalking to sleep driving.

This odd little grouping also includes the rare but documented “sexsomnia” or sleepsex.

Eggheads in the know about this kind of shit say think of it as a more advanced form of sleepwalking. It covers the full gamut of sexual activity, from feeling someone up to actual fuckin, with one crucial difference.

The patients apparently have no conscious awareness of what they're doing and, when wakened, have no recollection of it. Some kind of rape defense huh?

Now psychiatrist have only aware of sleepsex since 2005 and some of em either accept it as plausible whilst others call bullshit on it.

I guess it depends on which side of the defense table you’re sitting on.

Now myself, I have sex in my sleep all the time but all I get out of it is a sticky pillow and bad ass cramps. I don’t know, I’m just saying that if I’m having sex I sure in the fuck want to be awake for it.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Bane said...

Oh, I have that 'problem'. So much so that I learned to tell any chick I was sleeping with to make sure I was awake if I started up, because I did it so many times with no recollection of it. She'd be telling me the next day how great I was and how she liked my spontaneity, and I'd be all like 'what the fuck?' with no memory of it.
Needless to say, I don't allow my daughter in the bed when I plan on going to sleep.

11:50 AM  
Blogger satyavati said...

My husband does this.

I think he does it on purpose because I look better to him when he's asleep.

But on the bright side, if I'm not in the mood I don't have to worry about hurting his feelings because he won't remember it.

I guess there's two sides to everything.

And 'in the land of the round bacon' is one hell of a great phrase.

1:20 PM  
Blogger Spyder said...

Wow! New one on me.

The Hubby loves it when he's asleep & I put the moves on him. Oh Hell, he just loves it. It doesn't matter if he's awake or not.

3:19 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

"sexsomnia" my big white ass!

This man was clearly the victim of a malicious succubus.

6:36 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

sexsomnia yea right!! Well it does have a mind of it's own during the morning or let that be the moaning hours. So thier could be a possibility. Freaky!!!. I'm still complexed with the sleep driving. Now that would be something to see...LOL

9:56 PM  
Blogger Joe said...

I've done all of that in my sleep. Drive, sex, ride my bicycle, see things. I had to quit having guns in the house because I was afraid I'd kill someone in my sleep. It was much worse as a teen, these days it flares up every once in a while. My wife hasn't seen too much of it, but the other two wives sure did.

10:46 PM  

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