small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, June 8

sweatin the small stuff

By no means have I ever considered myself a smart man, I’m content just moseying along happily hoping I kind’a blend in with the rest of the dumbasses out there.

But if there’s one thing I know for goddamned sure, it’s not to fuck with old people. And you know why?

Well one reason is that with me knocking on the big 50, I have very little faith in the younger generation. Ok, maybe that’s a tad on the harsh side. Maybe I should say that their shit isn’t my shit.

So I’m sure that the same shit holds for the old grizzled geezer stepping out of the liquor store who would probably love nothing more then to punch me in the throat for getting in his way.

This goes hand in hand with never underestimating an old person because you never know what their past might have been. For all I know they could have singly handedly killed off a bear and shit with a sharp pokey stick.

It’ll be my luck to look at some old muthafucker wrong only to find myself fighting off ninety pounds of wrinkled pee smelling killing machine that’s intent on going all John Woo on my ass. Or some old cat not digging the glide of my stride telling me that he fucks women tougher then me and showing me his diddle finger.

So when I read a story about some old cat who after being pinned by a fallen tree for hours decided to free himself by cutting his own leg off, I don’t doubt it one bit.

Yeah, this cat in his late sixty’s was out in the woods cutting down trees last week when one fell pinning one of his legs to the ground.

He lies there for over eleven hours hollering for help but since he was way the fuck out in the middle of the woods, nobody heard his cries. So he nutted up, pulled out his pocket knife and proceeded to cut off his own leg to free himself.

See, it’s crazy fuckin shit like that separates the old tough guys from us with the pinker parts.

If that was me, I’d be crying like a slapped three-year old girl and would I ever consider cutting off my own leg to free myself? Fuck no.
First off you’d never catch me in the fuckin woods, let alone cutting down trees and shit. Secondly, I pussie up when I cut a fingernail too close so fuck cutting off a limb.

I can’t even begin to imagine that conversation with myself. But the old man was able to free himself and after crawling a ways was able to find someone with a cell phone who got him some help.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger PGP said...

And off we go for a weekend in the woods! Keeping an eye out for trees that look like they might tip....because it's really cool to roundhouse kick a freekin tree and watch it crumble down!
Carrying a sharp pokey walkin stick just because it feels good.
Bear Bangers are fun too because they sound like an m88 going off and scare the crap out of everything.
(Well I wouldn't use one on a griz because it might just piss him or her off.)But since I'm nowhere near the Rockies or Griz territory it won't matter.
So hi-ho-hi-ho it's off to the woods I go.

2:49 PM  
Blogger Spyder said...

Shit in eleven hours he maybe could have whittled away at the tree.

I know to respect my elders. Mom shot 2 bears in our back yard from the kitchen window, up in Canada. Don't piss Mom off!

4:29 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

It would take a whole lot more than 11 hours for me to decide to amputate myself.

I'm thinking as many days as I could stand of drinking my own piss and eating my own feces while I cut away at that tree before I turned the knife on myself.

6:11 PM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

He could have dug his way out if the ground is not frozen. He may be tough but he is stupid.

10:37 PM  
Blogger Bryan. said...

"In hindsight, I crossed the line."

Not only a good quote for ex-government officials...I think it sums up what this guy thinks when he wakes up.

What a great fucking read...I haven't laughed that hard in days...

7:50 AM  

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