small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, June 15

sweatin the small stuff


From the “quick, cover yer nuts” department…………………….

According to my many inside sources, which in case you’re curious, are different from my many unknown sources, told me the oddest tale out of Germany that sounds like it came straight out of a Monty Python skit.

It starts with this seventy-year old woman who’s sitting in her house minding her own business when this squirrel runs in and started beating the shit out of her.

The attack ended when the squirrel jumps her from behind, sinking its teeth into her hand. The old chick runs into the street screaming her old ass off with this crazy assed squirrel hanging from her hand.

She’s finally able to shake the nutty muthafucker off where it runs into this construction site where it starts going off on a construction worker.

This poor bastard is beating the fuckin squirrel with jackhammers and sticks and anything else he can grab because the crazy squirrel is biting him all about the arm’s, hands and feet.

He’s able to beat the fuckin squirrel off who runs off in search of someone else to fuck over. The squirrel next runs into the garden of a seventy-two year old man and starts in on him.

But this tough old bastard, even while being bitten massively about his arms, hands and legs, manages to kill the rampaging squirrel with the only weapon he had available, his fuckin crutches.

Experts think the squirrel may have been either ill or horny or a member of the Nazi Party.





And next from the “is that camel-toe or you just happy to see me” department…….

Comes a story of an ass beating of a different kind where amid much screaming and wailing, four New York lesbians were convicted of assaulting this cat that they beat and stabbed after he tried to hit on one of em.

According to my many inside sources, the lesbians were walking through Greenwich Village and as they passed the Independent Film Center this cat started making moves on one of em.

One of the lesbian chicks testified during the trial that her group told the cat they were not interested and that’s when he got all fratboy on em getting all rude and shit.

Calling the women names and telling them all the while the great fratboy pickup line which basically goes like this. “It ain’t that you bitches are gay, you just haven’t fucked the right man. Shit, fuckin me will make your asses go straight”.

Now from what I understand that’s more or less the last thing this muthafucker remembers until waking up in the hospital.

According to my many inside sources, fucking with lesbians in New York City will get you amongst other things, a lacerated liver and stomach, plus all the other various injuries that come with an old school ass beating.

The lesbians were all sentenced to jail terms ranging from three and a half years to eleven years for the beat down.

It seems that security cameras caught the beat down and the judge threw the book at the girls due to the fact that not only was the ass kicking done with extreme zeal and zest, but one of the chicks had a knife and knew how to use it.

Plus deciding to beat the cat a second time after he was already down and bleeding didn’t look so good either and it goes without saying that lesbians the world over are upset and see the sentencing as unfair.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

3 Comments:

Blogger PGP said...

Good thing I wasn't holding my beer when I read this!
You have really got a talent for the uncanny! Like the Rod Serling of reality .......

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are one of the funniest muthafuckers i know.. where have you been all my life.

11:46 PM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Greg that is some good writing.

Now I seem to always hear about old ornery fuckers kicking ass and taking names. Old fuckers are tough and do not like Nazi motherfuckers.

The lesbians got what they deserved. We cannot go around beating the shit out of every ass hole in the world. I would be a busy man if that were the case.

12:55 PM  

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