queen of sows

I remember them being better looking though

One of my many inside sources mailed me this morning with some alarming news. It seems that the pussiefication of American has struck deep into the heartland in the great state of Iowa. It seems that the time-honored tradition of a yearly Pork Queen might be coming to an end. Every year since the 1960’s during the Iowa Pork Congress, an annual industry gathering, a two-day state competition has been held in Iowa to pick the newest Iowa Pork Queen.

During the Pork Congress a three-judge panel assesses the young pork nubile’s on their knowledge of the pork industry, along with grooming and speaking skills. (The pork chicks, not the pigs.) Last year’s winner made a speech about the decline of the family farm that she had spent hours rehearsing with her mother who happened to be a past pork queen as well as a national queen. She also decoded ear notches that farmers use to tell pigs apart and selected the correct dosage of vaccine to give a 250-pound sow. For winning, the Pork Queen got the tiara, the sash, a bouquet of roses and a $2,000 scholarship.

She won't compete for a national title like her mother did because the National Pork Board eliminated its queen in 1987 due to lack of interest. This year, members of the Iowa Pork Producers Association proposed replacing the queen with the pussiefication title, youth ambassadors, which would include boys as well as girls. The proposal came after association members complained that the program excludes young men. "Times have changed," the queen-committee chairwoman who helped draft the proposal has been quoted as saying.

During my years doing for the Man, I’ve actually had the pleasure of being up in Iowa during the state fair on numerous times. And I’ve witnessed the innate grace and local glory that is the Iowa Pork Queen. And anybody from a small town can attest to the coolness of a small town summer parade where the Pork Queen as well as the Corn Queen, the Rhubarb Queen along with the Beef Queen and others are driven thru town wearing their various crowns sitting on the back of convertibles and shit. I don’t give a fuck where you come from or what your background is, there’s just something cool about some chick wearing a crown doing the Queens wave at the townsfolk. And I find it somewhat unsettling and sad that such a time-honored tradition is going the way of dollar gas.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"