sweatin the small stuff

From the “don’t underestimate em because their old” department…..

comes the best great grandma quote of the week.

"I didn't have my hearing aid in, and I thought he said that he was going to take my pulse, then he said it again, that he was going to take my purse, and I said, 'No, you're not"

This from a ninety-one old women who beat the ass off a would be purse-snatcher the other day. According to the woman, she was in the parking lot of this department store when this cat walked up on her and tried to take her purse.

But instead of rolling over she commenced to smacking the muthafucker about the head and face until he ran off like the pussie he was. Police later found the cat and busted him for trying to strong-arm the old lady. Of course the cop’s said that someone her age has no business fighting off attackers. When the old lady heard this she told em to lick her wrinkled ass and to fuck off.



From the “they’ll fit into trashbags won’t they” department……

Comes the story of a fire that heavily damaged this house. Shit got burned the fuck up and the owner of the house who tried at first to put the fire out had to be treated for smoke inhalation. After the fire was all put out and shit, the fire investigators started doing their thing trying to find out what caused the fire.

They traced the beginnings of the fire to the homeowner’s office where it was determined that his fax machine was where everything started. As they checked the remains of the fax machine, the fire investigators who were both pet owner’s couldn’t help but notice a familiar odor rising from the fax machine. Just then the homeowner came running in all excited and shit holding on to his two little kittens that escaped unharmed from the fire.

Well after some testing the fire investigators concluded that a spark generated when the little kitties pissed into the top of the fax machine caused the fire. The homeowner was later quoted as saying. “If you have a cat, or a dog for that matter, be careful where they pee, and especially keep them away from electrical appliances and wires.”




And from the “bam..bam…bam…bam, halt!!..or is it halt before I shoot?” department….

Comes the story of thirteen cops who got themselves in a lot of hot water. Back in may this cat led cops on a twelve-minute chase thru the Southern California city of Compton. The chase ended in this residential area when the cops surrounded the cat’s car and opened fire thinking that he was armed and shit.

You know how you’ve always been told never to holler fire in a crowded theater? Well you better add never holler fire around a shitload of cops with their guns drawn. Cause somebody hollered “fire” and muthafucker’s started shooting like they were in a fuckin Sam Peckinpah movie. Betwixt all the shooting, over a hundred and twenty rounds were fired. And not only was the vehicle riddled with bullets as well as surrounding homes, but all that firing and shit wounded one of the cops.

And you know what’s really fucked up? With all that shooting and shit, the cat that all thirteen cops were trying to shoot only got hit by four bullets. Four out of a hundred and twenty. Which was a good thing since it was found out that the cat wasn’t even the one they really wanted and unarmed to boot. He just happened to be driving a car matching one wanted in a prior shooting. And all his high ass wanted to do was get away from all the cops following him.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"