what....you talkin to me?

I couldn’t help the big grin on my face as I read the story of the ex Marine throwing the serious ass whipping on some wanna be thugs trying to rob him. Any day I read or hear a news story about a group of armed hoods attempting to rob some cat and the cat takes em on armed only with a penknife and wins? That fuckin rocks.

See this is the kind of shit that clearly separates the what the fuck’s, from the fuck you’s. This cat is walking home from his job where he waits tables when these four muthafuckers hop out of a car and start chasing him. According to my many inside sources the waiter starts to run but he’s cornered so he reaches into his backpack and pulls out the only weapon he can find which happens to be a fuckin folding knife?

So the hoods who are armed with a pistol and a shotgun do the bum’s rush on the cat who then proceeds to fuck somebody’s kids up. He kicks the shotgun out of one cat’s hands, and when a couple jumped on em he cut the fuck out of both of em, killing one and severely fucking the other up.

Semper FI muthafuckers

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

peanut butter pancake blues

Just thought I would type out a few highlights from this weekend. Saturday morning me and a couple of friends drove up to Topeka, Kansas to drop off the fenders and a few other odd parts off the trike kit and bike so they could be prepped and painted. I figured in keeping with the bike’s theme, everything should be cop bike white. Met the cat doing the paint who lived in this really cool old school Texaco gas station that he’d converted into his home. You know, one of the old red brick ones. The service bay which was huge was where he did all his work and what had originally been the offices and storage rooms were now his living quarters and the bathrooms outside are now showers. To cap it off he had the whole shitting thing surrounded by a heavy wrought iron fence, very cool if a bit cramped.

Afterwards we went in search of breakfast and the cat driving who was into everything old school took us to the Hanover House in Topeka for breakfast which is a restaurant that’s been around since forever. There I brought everyone breakfast which consisted of hash browns, chicken fried steaks with gravy, various eggs, mine over easy thank you very much. Bacon, waffles, pancakes, and this kickass breakfast sausage that looked like bratwurst but tasted like mild breakfast sausage. One guy had the peanut butter pancakes which were pancakes with a huge dollop of peanut butter on top which made me ask the question. “Again what are you, fuckin three”? That was the second time I asked that question; the first time was after the same cat trying to get his coffee cup as full as possible ended up covering half the table with spilt coffee.

Afterwards we headed back home which was a vaguely uncomfortable ride since after eating all I wanted to do was take a giant shit and go to sleep. But luckily after hitting the city limits of home we had to pull over and get gas and I decided it was now or never. Must make a mental note not to ever go to that gas station for at least a couple of years. After exiting the restroom I went up to the counter for a pack of smokes and got to hear the exchange between the cat behind the counter who looked and sounded to be from Pakistan and a couple of black cats from the hood.

Pakistani cat; “hey easy money how you doing”?
Black cats; “hey big money, how you doing”?
Pakistani cat; “I’m cool just chillin and shit”.
Black cats; “hey big money, we need to be like you and get some of that money”.
Pakistani cat; “you can, it’s called get a job muthafuckers”.
Black cats; “guess you got a point there huh”?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

from the archives....sweatin the small stuff

Last night at the Cane was the ultimate in comedic errors. First off the bums on Monkey Island were in full effect. This one cat was chasing this tall blue haired freak around with a stick trying to beat his ass for whatever reason. The cops showed up and spent a good part of an hour rousting the whole group. The funniest part was this one bum who sat there the whole time in this serious nod.

All of a sudden he came to and only then seemed to realize that he was surrounded by cops. He was so fucked up that it took him a good ten minutes to put on his backpack and once he did he still had it on fuckin backwards. But off he staggered wearing his backpack like a necklace and dragging his blanket behind em.

Then walked in these four hand jobbers wearing matching golf outfits who sat at the bar and ordered shots and beers, and commenced to talking loud and getting drunk. I wrote em off as harmless assholes and concentrated my attentions elsewhere. Then two women walked in wearing silver hot pants pushing some kind of new malt liquor. They were walking around the bar pushing free samples to any boozy dreck that wanted any. They seemed too cool for school so I paid them no never mind.

After a bit the golf dicks left but not before talking to the doormen. I was to find out later that they told the doormen they had to leave because they felt threatened by me? Apparently unbeknownst to me I was allegedly staring at em and calling em pussies and all other kinds of names. The doormen were as shocked as I was. The shit muthafucker’s dream up when they’re drunk. Now here’s when the really fun part started. Some friends of mine came in and we decided to grab a table in the corner.

I grabbed the table by the edges to move it out from the wall to make room for everyone. As I pulled, the entire top of the table came off in my hands, how fuckin embarrassing. There I am in the middle of a crowded bar holding the upper half of table in my hands looking like a fool. All I could do was try to put it back together and act like nothing happened. But then to cap off a retard night I was later standing up to make a point in the conversation when I leaned on the fuckin table.

The loose top came up and I fell off balance into a clump on the floor. As I came too I reached out to grab what I thought was a bar stool to pull myself up. Much to my horror what I thought was a bar stool turned out to be the very firm ass of the women at the next table. Yup, I full on had my hands firmly gripped around this strange women’s ass. She was pretty cool considering that she had this huge black man gripping on to both her ass cheeks.

I stammered out my apologies and sat my ass back down. My friends were looking at me like what the fuck? I ended up sending the women whose ass I grabbed a round of drinks but not before telling her how impressed I was with the firmness of it. Always working it, you know?


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I'm talkin to you

It’s not like I have a giant fuckin ego or the need to feed my ego……… but late at night when I’m all alone my mind begins to speculate on certain shit. Shit like who reads my blog? And I can’t help but wonder and please, don’t none of you muthafuckers take this the wrong way because I dig you all. But besides Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice, what famous people visit Death’s Door on a semi regular basis?

And if they do how come none of them muthafuckers every say hi? So as a result of overly thinking about this I’m asking for a couple of things. If you’re famous and I’m so sure I’m leaving myself wide fuckin open here, give a shout out in the comments. And secondly and more importantly, I would love to know where some of you overseas readers are hitting me from.

Because according to a couple of maps I’m looking at some of you muthafuckers are clear the fuck out there. Which if you want to get all technical and shit, nobody is really clear the fuck out there due to the fact that the stinkin internet has turned the world into a so called “electronic village”……… whatever, let me know what’s up.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

grumblings

Am I the only muthafucker that doesn’t watch “Lost” or “24” or the stinkin “Soprano’s”? “Lost”, lost my attention after the first episode, “24” never appealed to me plus muthafucker’s are always hollering and shit. You ever notice that? Every commercial for “24” has the Sutherland cat screaming about something. Just a little bit “too” much for me. And as far as the “Soprano’s” goes, I knew muthafuckers like that back in the day and that was enough for me. I sure in the fuck don’t want to watch em on the fuckin TV.

On another note I drive Ward Parkway here in town to work and back most days. The posted speed limit is thirty-five but muthafuckers must be retarded or dyslectic and shit cause most of em drive Ward Parkway closer to fifty. Myself, I keep it between thirty-five and forty since I know that somewhere the Man’s waiting for me to fuck up. Plus I don’t know how it is where you muthafuckers live but around these here parts when you get a speeding ticket it costs serious money plus your insurance rates tend to go the fuck up.

Anyway, I’m usually doing just under forty and there’s always some cocksucker riding my tail and doing the angry speed around me thing. When that happens I’m always wishing all kinds of ill will shit on em cause what? Are they gonna pay my ticket or insurance when it goes up for speeding? I don’t fuckin think so. But I do get a high hard one when I see these same muthafuckers pulled over by some cop for being a speeding prick. I always wanna drive by doing the insane old man scream; “that’s what you get for speeding you stupid fucktard!”


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Personality Disorder Test

Disorder | Rating

• Paranoid: Low
• Schizoid: Moderate
• Schizotypal: Low
• Antisocial: Low
• Borderline: Low
• Histrionic: Low
• Narcissistic: Low
• Avoidant: Low
• Dependent: Low
• Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Feel free to talk amongst yourselves, oh I took the test here.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

assholes

I’m no fuckin Rodin's Thinker but I do think that Rep. William Jefferson needs to shut the fuck up along with some of his congressional peers. The FBI has this muthafucker on tape taking a huge bribe and later finds the marked bills hidden in his fuckin fridge at home. And now he along with members of congress are bitching and moaning about how dare the FBI raid and search congressional offices without their permission.

I’d like to know what fuckin color the sky is on whatever world these anal pricks live on to have such a fucked up sense of reality. For starters this muthafucker Jefferson got caught not only with his fuckin hand in the goddamned cookie jar but his chapped lips poking through the glory hole too. And he has the nerve to bitch about the search and that he plans on running for re-election?

Who does this Boss Hawg, duke of hazard muthafucker think he is? Plus you got members of congress complaining that the FBI didn’t inform them about the upcoming raid and search. Fuck you guy’s, you don’t tell the crooks that you’re coming to search the place; you get a warrant and just show the fuck up. That’s how the shit’s done. I hate a crooked politician almost as much I hate a crooked preacher. I hope when they stick this muthafucker in prison they put him in the special ass rammers section.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sombody out there check out this video and tell me what you think. Safe for work

water as fuel


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

hot dog envy

Any of you remember back to when we were all young and just discovering our bodies and shit for the first time? And you experienced masturbation for the very first time and after that you had to find all the ways to do it? Some of us were like masturbatory monkeys we hit it so hard. I can remember back in the day if I stayed in the bathroom too long my father would holler at me to unass the fuckin bathroom and stop playing with myself.

When I was a kid the hot things to masturbate too were my father’s old Playboy’s or Benny Hill on the TV or even Monty Python. But you had to be cool so that your mother wouldn’t catch you. But even though you thought they didn’t know, they knew that you were a jacking off little fool. Mother’s were always complaining; “but honey, can’t we make him stop, maybe more church would help”. But the old man would always tell her to shut the fuck up, that boys will be boys and shit. Except when it was little sis shoving things up her kooch then the tables would be turned.

You’d be hanging out on the porch with some of your buddies from the neighborhood when John John’s little sister would come out on the porch buck assed nekked with a hotdog hanging out of her pussy sayin; “look I got a pee pee too!” And inside the house you could hear her mother screaming “oh my God, get that child back in the house!” While on the porch we were rolling and laughing till we shit ourselves.

Silly shit like that was always going on, like the time I got hit in the nuts for the very first time. All I knew after that was that someone else had to experience the same pain I did. So after calling my best friend over I and walked up and slapped em in the balls. After that, seeing someone get hit in the sac was the funniest thing ever, until it happened to you again.

Then there was always an older kid on the block who’d had his cherry busted at an early age or so he said. And he would always hold court testifying on how much pussy he’d just gotten since yesterday. If we to believe half what he said, girls would just fold up and throw the pussy at em like rice at a wedding. Then there was the local slut who lived on the block. She was usually good for getting a tittie shot when she got bored. Was there such a thing as a hot looking neighborhood slut back in those days, or were they all mule ass ugly like ours was?


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Condoleezza dreaming

I keep having this recurring dream where I’m at some government facility walking the hallways minding my own business when I stumble into this room where there’s a bunch of people hanging out. Since I’m wearing my ID nobody tries to stop me so I walk on in like I’m somebody and shit. Up near the front of the room is this black chick talking a mile a minute to a bunch of suits.

From the back I can’t tell who she is but I do know who ever she is, she’s in charge cause everybody’s giving her their full attention. I walk closer and it hits me, its Condoleezza Rice the fuckin Secretary of State up there talking. I edge closer to hear what’s going on and I couldn’t help but notice that in person ole Condoleezza ain’t half assed bad looking. All of a sudden my cellphone rings and Buck Cherry’s “Crazy Bitch” comes jumping out of my pocket. I commence to slapping my leg like the muthafuckers on fire to get it to stop.

By now everybody in the fuckin room is staring at me so I start inching back toward the door. Suddenly quicker then shit Condoleezza Rice is standing so close to me her nipples are poking indents in my shoulder. “I know you; you’re Greg of Death’s Door aren’t you? I recognize your picture from your blog.” And in this real low intense voice Condi as she told me to call her is telling me how for the last two years she’s been all over my cock because she reads my blog at least three times a week.

Yeah, I found out that she got turned on to my shit by Colin Powell no fuckin less. So it ends up that I got Condoleezza’s, sorry I mean Condi’s number on my cellphone and whenever I write about something that really fucks her up, she’ll call me or comment on it. She’s actually a very cool chick not withstanding her boss. Anyway, I get this dream at least once a week. And knowing how dreams are does this mean I’m about to get outed or dooced by Condoleezza Rice, the fuckin Secretary of State?
"and the monkey flipped the switch"

damned dirty hippies

Here’s how I see things; if you live here or you’re working here, you can and should be allowed to speak any American language you like.

Bulgarian, German, Lithuanian, Arabic, Croatian, Chinese, French, Japanese, Italian, Spanish or even muthafuckin Klingon,

it’s all fuckin good but that’s where I toe the line. When it comes to a “national language” for the United States, English should be the only choice. This kind of shit shouldn’t even be up for debate.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

“How do you know when god is telling you to get all your ducks in a row?”

When your crazyassed bipolar wife of eleven years wakes up in the fuckin middle of the night with the notion that you’re cheating on her and pulls your cock off with her bare fuckin hands. Let me repeat that;

"bitch takes her bare hands and rips your shit right the fuck off your body. No knife, no pliers, no tools, just her bare hands"

Crazy bipolar wife or not, I think if I was that muthafucker I’d gingerly take a seat and have a long revaluation of my life and what the fuck I’m doing wrong. Cause you know that’s just some fucked up shit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

From the “birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it, let's fall in love” department……..

comes a story of scientists in Boston who released a confrontational report that challenges the timeline of human development that dares to suggest that our human ancestors bred with the ancestor’s of chimpanzee long after they had initially separated into two separate species. Yeah, for those of you kind’a slow on shit, what this means is that most muthafuckers accept the idea that man evolved from apes or an ape like creature and afterwards everyone went about their own business.

But what the pocket protector crowd in Boston is saying is that after the two species split, man continued inbreeding with the fuckin monkeys and shit. The cats in Boston working off the results of newly acquired genetic data were able to estimate the time when the first human ancestors split from the chimpanzees. And much to their surprise they hit on a timeline that is at least one million years later then most paleontologists had believed, based on fossils of early, humanlike creatures.

According to my many inside sources, this data leads em to believe that after man and monkey split, man gave shit a rest for a while but after some time missed that hairy ass and went back to fuckin monkeys again for a while. And now this information has muthafuckers in an uproar since it’s widely believed that once the species broke apart there was no more interbreeding. But c’mon, let’s be real about some shit.

If I was some early hairy lice picking ancient man rolling buck assed nekked dragging my knuckles thru the plains of lets say Africa. I’d have to say that life was hard. No clothes, no shelter except for the trees or any hole I could slide into. I’m constantly on the prowl for food and always in danger of being something’s food. And to make shit really fucked up if I do see a woman, the bitch looks just like me all hairy and gnarly and shit. And don’t even get me started on the massive cockblockin going on from the other cats in the tribe.

I mean goddamn, I’m just another knuckle dragger trying to survive and get his swerve on. So yeah, if I can sneak up on some slow monkey and fuck it in the ass or better yet it’s a chick monkey, you can bet the farm I’m gonna tap that simian ass. Call it a matter of needs meeting logistics if you will. Shit, I’m so sure that muthafuckers were swinging thru the trees eating roots and berries and fuckin monkeys like it was going out of style! Short hairy ugly prehistoric woman, short hairy ugly prehistoric monkey, who gave a fuck? Pussy was pussy.

And you can’t tell me that ain’t how it happened. Anyone that’s ever read more then one fantasy fiction story is more then familiar with the concept of the ancients fuckin and breeding with not only apes, but reptiles and other non human shit. So yeah, I don’t find that theory hard to believe. Shit, back in those days if it didn’t bite back man tried his damndest to break his dick off in it.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

100, 000 hits

Sometime during the night I surpassed the 100,000 hit mark. So I’m just gonna say thanks for reading and leave you with this poem from Rudy Ray Moore. Again thanks.

Way, way down in the jungle deep
The badass lion stepped on the signifying monkey's feet.
The monkey said, "Muthafucka, can't you see?
You're standing on my god damn feet!"
The lion said, "I ain't heard a word you said."
Said, "If you say three more I'll be steppin on yo muthafuckin head!"
Now, the monkey lived in the jungle in an old oak tree
Bullshittin' a line every day of the week.

Everyday before the sun go down,
That lion would kick his ass all through the jungle town.
But the monkey got wise and started using his wit,
Start telling "I'm gonna put a stop to this old ass kickin shit."
So he ran up on the lion the very next day
He said, "Oh, Mr. Lion. There's a big, bad muthafucka coming your way.

And he's somebody that you don't know.
He just broke aloose from the Ringling Brother's Show."
Said, "He talked about your people in a hell of a way.
He talked about your people til my hair turned gray.
He said your daddy's a freak and your momma's a whore.
Said he spotted you running through the jungle sellin asshole from door to door!

Said your sister did the damndest trick.
She got down so low and sucked a earthworm's dick.
Said he spotted yo niece behind the tree,
Screwin a muthafuckin flea!
He said he saw yo aunt sittin on the fence
Givin a goddamn zebra a french.
Then he talked about yo mammy and yo sister Lou,
Then he start talkin about how good yo grandmaw screw.
Said yo sister's a prostitute and yo brother's a punk,
And said I'll be damned if you don't eat all the pussy you see when you get drunk!

He said he cornholed your uncle and fucked your aunty and niece,
And next time he see yo grandmaw he gonna get him another good piece.
Said your brother died with the whoopin cough and your uncle died with
the measles
And your old grandpaw died with a rag chunked up in his ass, said he's
goin on home to Jesus.

And you know yo little sister that ya love so dear
I fucked her all day for a bottle of beer.
So, Mr. Lion, you know that ain't right.
So wherever you run up on the elephant, I want you to be ready to fight."

The lion jumped up in a hell of a rage
Like a young man smoking some gage.
He ran up on the elephant talking to the swine.
He said, "All right, you big, bad muthafucka,
It's gonna be your ass or mine."

The lion jumped up and made a fancy pass,
But the elephant side-stepped him and knocked him dead on his ass.
He fucked up his jaw, messed up his face,
Broke all four legs and knocked his ass out of place.
They fought all night and all the next day.
Somehow the little lion managed to get away.
He drug his ass back to the jungle more dead than alive,
Just to run into the monkey and more of his signifying jive.
The little monkey said, "Look here, partner, you don't look so swell.

Looks to me like you caught a whole lot of hell."
Said, "Your eyes is red and your ass is blue.
I knew in the first place it wasn't shit to you.
But I told my wife before you left
'I should have whipped your ass my muthafuckin self.'
Shut up! Don't you roar!
'Cause I'll jump out of this tree and whip your dog ass some more.
And don't look up here with your stuck 'ol case
Because I'll piss through the fork of this tree in your muthafuckin' face!"

The little monkey got happy; started jumping up and down
His feet missed the limb, and his ass hit the ground.
Like a ball of lightning and a streak of white heat,
That lion was on his ass with all four feet.
Thus, rolls of tears came in the little monkey's eyes,
Nothing he could see and nothing he could hear
But he knew that was the end of his bullshittin' and signifying career!

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

monkeys & cars

Not a lot to say today except that if you live here in town and need a good auto shop, I so fuckin recommend Jeff and the boy’s over at Hanks Auto Repair on west 39th just past Roanoke. I and my family have known these cats since I was just a small kid and they will do you right. They just did a deal on my mother’s car where they ended up saving her almost five hundred bucks just by being straight up. And for being such stand up guy’s me and my sister took em over a trunk load of barbecue for lunch last week from Rosedale’s on the west side just to say thanks and how much we appreciate some shit.

And on a side note I just want to add that if was visiting the Zoo and watching the bears and shit, and the hairy muthafuckers started chasing some fuckin monkey that happened to be hanging around the wrong side of the fuckin fence and after catching the monkey and slapping the shit flinging ass off it, started eating the muthafucker in front of horrified muthafuckers. I’d think that would fuckin rock. Some day’s it sucks to be a shit flinging monkey.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

six degrees of Danny Glover

Friday after work me and a buddy went across town and picked up the trike kit. After getting it all loaded up we took it over to where I got the bike parked and stuck it my sister’s garage. The woman I brought it from had a couple of ramps so loading it into the back of the pickup was easy but at my sister’s we had to take it out the hard way and with the thing weighing over three hundred pounds, I don’t want to do that too many times. But it was really cool to finally have it in my possession and I can’t wait to get it on the bike.

I wanted to show it to my mother but for Mother’s Day she and all her sisters went to New York to see the Color Purple on Broadway. I just got off the phone with her this morning and she had a fuckin blast. Plus on the flight out it was all six degrees of Danny Glover and shit. He happened to be on the same flight from KC to New York and one of my aunts has to use a wheelchair to move around. So after the flight landed Danny Glover volunteered to wheel my aunt out of the plane and into the airport. That and meeting him had my mother and her sisters dropping their grandma panties all over the concourse. Not that my mother would be with the pantie flinging and shit. I'm just sayin....

The six degrees is the fact that they were going to see the Color Purple on Broadway and Danny starred in the original movie. Saturday me and Michelle went over to my sisters to look at the kit. Whilst there I decided to go ahead and pull off the fenders and the rest of the sheet metal so I can figure out how to get em painted and with the help of Michelle and my sister we got it all done. Afterwards I took Michelle next door to show her the bike and start it up for her. We were joined by my sister who along with Michelle decided they were gonna remove the fairing so I could get it painted too. I actually had to use my outside voice with the both of em to get em to back off the bike. They were all intent on removing the fairing wither I wanted it off or not. Bitches…

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I'm watching the band Heart in concert and it made me think of this post from the archives

There are times when the door to fame and fortune opens wide and all you have to do is walk through it. You know that by doing one single act of greatness you’ll be immortalized forever. Years ago I had one of these moments. In the mid eighties I managed a rock & roll music store here in town, and we were a factory dealer for Ovation Guitars. For those of you ignorant of musical equipment, Ovation manufactured acoustic guitars and the occasional odd bass.

They were known as a very durable acoustic to take out on the road. The body was comprised of a formed plastic shell with a wood composite top and maple neck. That was the easy description; Ovations were actually very hip and high-tech acoustic musical instruments. You know what my favorite way was to demo an Ovation? I’d take the muthafucker by the neck and smack it into a wall, like I said a very durable acoustic guitar.

Anyway, Sandstone Theater here in town was just getting started and the rock group Heart was gonna play there. I can’t remember if Sandstone had been open for a while or if this was the first show, no matter. Heart was sponsored by Ovation and we thought it might be cool to have Ann and Nancy Wilson sign a guitar then give the damn thing away. So we did the big in store who-do and picked out a winner.

That night after the show our little group were clutching our backstage passes and waiting to meet the band. You know whenever some cat does the big hype about having backstage passes believe me, it’s gonna suck hind tit. Number one, backstage passes usually never get you backstage. What you get, is shoved into a room with a table full of warm beers and rancid lunchmeat and a bunch of other marks who think they’re gonna get to hang with the band. While you’re getting food poisoning and looking for a place to crap, the band is in another part of the arena far from you getting high and feeling up the groupies.

When the road manager finally gets em in line, they’ll stumble in and shake a few hands and mumble how much they appreciate you coming to see em, then split. Fuck a backstage pass, but back to the story. Some guy with no neck came in and said they were gonna do the signing out by the band buses. So we followed him outside and there they were, Ann and Nancy Wilson. Back then Ann was getting her munch on but was still kind’a good looking, but it was Nancy that had all my attention. This woman looked fuckin amazing; she was small and delicate like a porcelain doll.

Not to get all porn on you and all that, but she had the creamiest, smoothest skin I’d ever seen on a women. She more or less had just come off stage and she had a fine sheen of sweat on her skin. I knew then what needed to happen, I had to touch Nancy Wilson of Heart. Here’s the scene, our group was facing the Heart sisters who were standing with Mr. No Neck and some other knuckle dragger.

Ann was the first one to sign the guitar; whilst everyone was focused on her I started sliding my way toward Nancy. I was trying my best to be stealthy but I came off sounding like bulls fucking in the brush. This must’a not been the first time someone’s tried this cause when No Neck spotted me he didn’t even break a sweat. He just reached out this ham of a hand and grabbed me by the back of my neck and squeezed.

Now I’m a big guy, but when he had my neck between his fingers I gladly stopped all forward motion. She was so close, balls and guts overcame brain and pain and I reached out to touch her. Mr. No Neck still didn’t move, he just said “no” and moved his fingers closer together. By that time I was thinking; hey, maybe I need to rethink the error of my ways, and I went and sat on the grass. Too bad, I think she could’ a loved me in time.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

Some of the many inside sources are resting up cause later today we’re gonna hook up and go shag bike parts so I’m gonna differ from the usual Friday fare. I was presented with a question this week that even though I’ve been asked it before, I’m still slightly bothered by it.

"Your writing is balls out, straightforward and unvarnished. Does this reflect your attitude and personality in daily life? Or does an online identity/persona lend itself to presenting certain aspects of yourself more than you would otherwise?"

I guess the reason the question bothers me is that I’ve been accused in the past on this blog of using everything from a fake persona to actually having the blog written by more then one person. Fuck, there’s even been times where people doubted whither I’m actually black or not. Something about black folk aren’t supposed to have sense of satire or sarcasm or some such shit.

Anyway, I just want to point out that yes, this blog has, does, and always will reflect my personality. I’m very lucky in the life that I’ve live so far. I’ve met, fucked, drank, fought and hung out with everybody from strippers to famous musicians to the flat out odd. And wither by choice or happenstance I’ve absorbed a bit of every person I’ve every met. I have a family where my every fucked up quirk is if not embraced, supported.

I’ve never thought of myself as a tough guy but after bouncing in bars and clubs for twenty years and getting my ass kicked and giving as good as I got, I think I got a better grip then most muthafuckers on what constitutes a tough guy. And now I have a very cool gig being a hard working minion for the MAN. I’ll never be rich or well off or the cat that walks off into the sunset with the hot chick, but goddammit I’ll never be anything less then what you see.

I guess what I’m saying in all this is that everything you read on this blog is either my opinion of shit, how shit should be, or the shit I’ve done and been exposed too. You can’t make shit like this up and if there’s any doubt about my personality or if this is the “real” me, all you gotta do is ask somebody. Cause bad altitude, bad heart, and everything else that makes me what I am, this is me and that’s all I can tell you.

I just wanted to clear the air especially since after a few years of doing this blog I’m on the home stretch to 100, 000 unique hits which I’m very stoked about. I’ve earned these hits the old fashioned way, a few at a time and by being who I am and I want to thank all of you who read this blog and I really fuckin mean that.

It’s like I tell all the stinkin baggy pants wearin kids. You think you see a pussy? Then you need to step up and see if you can wipe this muthafucker from front to back.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

blast from the past......atomic dog

I can’t help but notice that the international fight over eating dog is picking up speed. Now I see that they’ve even out’ed the Swiss as being puppy noshers. I think that if I were a dog living overseas instead of licking my balls I’d start earning favor by licking my master’s balls instead. I can’t wait for Chef Emeril Lagasse to feature dog on his show, or better yet old ass Martha Steward.

Did you know Sioux Indians use dog meat, actually puppy meat, in some of their most sacred ceremonies? Dog, not only Man’s best friend and a food source but culturally useful. That reminds me, I think I’ll see if an old buddy of mine has the movie “A boy and his dog” in his collection. Some of you older cats might remember this one. It was made in 1975 and starred Don “Miami Vice” Johnson.

He lived in a war torn post-holocaust wasteland and traveled around with this super smart telepathic dog. The climax of the movie came when Don Johnson found himself a woman and they were starving and wondering what to do for food. The scene faded with Don and the women looking at the dog. The next scene showed Don and the dog sitting around the campfire picking their teeth and the women gone.

I was reading on the internets the other day that South Korea is taking a unified stand against the capitalist imperial pigs of America. They’re telling PETA and every other round eye muthafucker in sight that eating dog is a national pastime and so good for ya!

Korea's been getting all kinds of bad press over this issue and they've had enough of our shit. Korea’s been eating dog and the occasional stray cat for centuries but there’s also South Korean’s who cherish and love the little furry sacks of meat more then their own kids. What a nation in turmoil.

Word on the street has it that Korean folk eat dog for the sexual vigor that comes after a heaping bowl of poochie chowder, plus it also heals what ails ya. But there are also Korean people who love dogs so much that they won’t take a job unless they can bring little Sparkie along for the day.

And now there are special restaurants that cater to the dog lover crowd, I mean as in Ole Yeller can sit at the bar and lap up the Evian out of his own bowl. And there are still restaurants where a cool Korean cat after polishing off a bowl of spicy crimson soup made of stewed canine, red pepper and sesame leaves can light up a smoke and burp up Fido to his or her hearts content.

All I’m sayin is that what right do we have to dictate what’s right or wrong for other people in other countries to eat or not? Hell we enjoy sushi, tartar (raw ground beef with spices), and escargot. Cow brains and pig knuckles and headcheese and all other kinds of shit I can’t think of.

And just the other day I had dinner over my Mother’s house and I watched her and my aunts gleefully knock back plates of ox tails and barbequed pigs feet. The world has enough division without America getting into somebody’s business about what they eat. Give a muthafucker a break why don’t we.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Axis of douchebaggery

Once again I’m struck with the dumbassery of muthafuckers and how they prioritize shit. Folks in New York who are in charge of this shit are all aquiver over the new numbers for the World trade Center Memorial at Ground Zero which just came in at just below one billion dollars.

The World Trade Center Memorial Foundation, who is in charge of raising money for building and operating the memorial, says it will cost $672 million. Improvements to the infrastructure will add $300 million. Total tab: $972 million. From what I understand the money is being raised privately along with the state and city throwing in money. Personally I don’t see what the fuckin issue is cause as I see it, this falls under the “just build the muthafucker” clause.

The World trade Center Memorial needs to be built and I think if they haven’t already the fuckin federal government needs to pony up and commit to finish the funding because if for no other reason it’s the right thing to do. And just because, here’s a real short list of items the federal government has spent one billion dollars on as of late. Some of this might be a few years old but who’s really keeping count.

• U. S. military spending disposes of $1 billion in about 32 hours.

• One Trident submarine, which carries enough nuclear warheads to eliminate every major city in the USSR, costs $1.7 billion. We have nine of them and are aiming for a fleet of 20-25.

• $3 billion is what it will take to fix the technical problems of the 100 B-1 bombers the U.S. taxpayers have recently purchased (for $28 billion).

• And since we’re on the subject $2 billion is spent in one year of advertising by the U.S. tobacco industry.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

snatch & sniff

I see from reading the paper that the egghead guys that get paid to figure this kind of shit out have come to the conclusion that brains of lesbians and gay guys process hormones differently from so called straight or heterosexual people. So in short, what hormones or pheromones seem attractive to the brain of a gay guy isn’t attractive to the brain of a straight guy and whilst lesbians and straight men kind’a dig the same thing, meaning pussy. Lesbians ain’t about digging on the hormones wafting off a nutsac if you get my drift. It’s all about how each group reacts to various hormones and shit of that ilk.

I personally think muthafuckers ought to give it up, I mean trying to figure out the gay equation. Cause you know what’s going on here don’t you? Muthafuckers keep thinking that if they keep this shit up they’ll hit the mumbo-jumbo mother lode and think they’ll be able to change people back to whatever “they” think they need to be changed back too whatever the fuck that might be.

Now I’m gonna be truthful with you guys when I say that I’m a heterosexual male who loves women. But if I see a nice rack on a guy sporting the five o’clock shadow I’m gonna look cause a nice rack is a nice rack. Anyway, there have been gay people on this earth since prehistoric times. Some of the most talented people on this earth have been gay.

We’ve had gay heroes and heroines and gay people who have died protecting the American way of life. As a matter of fact the only issue I have with the gay thing is a fashion issue. Can I say cough, cough, plaid shirts and bad haircuts and hairy men in short shorts? I’m just saying and shit. Stop perpetrating the bad fashion stereotype.

Anyway, I’ve said it and I’ll say it again and again, with all the horrible shit going on in the world do we really care what makes a chick eat another chick’s pussy? Do we really give a fuck why some cat gets all brokeback mountain over another cat? Do we care if there are gay chipmunks or gay dogs or that there’s a species of gay cockroach running around the stinkin Amazon? I say fuck no and instead of spending all those resources on inane bullshit like that, direct those egghead resources toward a cure for Aids or cancer or keeping the price of fuckin gas down.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

help you do what?

So there I was, at the local snatch & grab throwing gas into my old truck when this woman runs up on me screaming and shit. “Get em, get em! He just stole my purse!” I looked up in time to see this dude running up Main Street. Cat was running so fast he was leaving black behind em. Flash couldn’t catch this muthafucker, hell; he was already a dot in the distance. I looked at the chick that was still screaming at me and wondered; “just what the hell is she thinking?”

All these muthafuckers around and she’s screaming at the biggest guy in sight to run this guy to ground. I did call 911 for her though; best I could do under the circumstances I figured. It just blows me what people will do when their drunk or in a cold panic. I was in the Hurricane one night when somebody shouted for me to take a look at my truck parked outside the door.

I looked out in time to see this guy whip out his dick and proceed to pee all over the side of my truck. It seems that the cat was drunk and thought my just waxed vehicle was the place to paint his name. I walked outside thinking how should I handle this? Do I go off or should I show compassion to a fellow human being who just had too much to drink?

Yeah, fuck some compassion, I walked up behind the guy and after making sure he was still in the midst of a full stream I grabbed him by the shoulders and gave him a good shake. Then I tried to see if I could break the record for tossing a human body down a sidewalk.

Hmmm, ten feet, not bad for not having a secure grip cause after all he was still peeing. He landed in kind of a drunken pee soaked clump and actually tried to come after me, but his not so drunk friends grabbed him which was lucky cause this time I was gonna try to rip his shirt off and use it to wipe my truck off but he never came into grabbing range.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

J. C. Nichols Fountain

There’s this big fountain near my home call the J.C, Nichols fountain, and I noticed that some lame cocksuckin cum guzzler filled it full of detergent. This is really bugging the fuck out of me cause it’s a pretty cool fountain and seeing it always puts a smile on my face. And now some little smartass bastard child of a syphilitic whore decided they wanted to fuck with it.

See, that’s how pussies do shit, their probably thinking they’re cool or edgy by throwing soap in the fuckin fountain. But all their doing is fuckin shit up for the rest of us who enjoy shit like that. I’d love to catch em and power-wash their fuckin faces with a bar of Lava soap until I hit bone.

Oh, and on a side note do you muthafuckers realize that Kansas City ranks second in the world in number of working fountains erected in the city. Only Rome, Italy, has more. Second in the world muthafuckers.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

From the “you know when god hates you” department in conjunction with the “and this is Paul Harvey saying this is some fucked up shit” department…………….

comes the story of a seventy-six year-old woman that was killed in a Queens, New York cemetery the other day. It was noticed that shit was out of place by a passing transit cop who was on his way home after work when he saw this Lincoln Continental sitting off in the grass in the middle of the graveyard. Upon closer inspection fueled by the fact that a New York cop is never off duty, he noticed a pair of legs sticking out from underneath the still running Lincoln.

The legs happened to belong to this old lady who was visiting the grave of her dead husband, which is oddly worded because when you think about it, if she’s visiting her husband’s grave he’d have to be dead wouldn’t he? So saying that she was visiting the grave of her “dead” husband is just a bunch of redundant bullshit isn’t it? Anyway, back to the story.

According to my many inside sources, it seems that the old chick was run over by her own car whilst she was visiting the grave of her dead husband……goddammit did it again. Either way you look at it, it’s some sad sack shit. Here’s this old woman visiting her husband’s grave and as she struggled to her feet after leaving flowers and a presumably sappy note she turns around to walk up the hill to her car.

When wham, bam, thank you ma’am, her fuckin big assed Lincoln jumps out of park by it’s own damn self hits her, dragging her screaming old ass underneath it. Which to me sounds like some old school whoo, whoo, twilight zone shit. According to my many inside sources, after reaching Saint Peter’s Gate, she was met by Saint Peter who handed her a note from her dead husband that said; “how you like me now bitch? I told your stinkin ass I’d get the last word in”.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

happy Cinco De Mayo muthafuckers

Happy Mexican militia kicking the baguette eatin shit out of the French army in 1862 day to all my friends of Mexican heritage!

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

from the archives...........Monkey Island

Once again it’s early Wednesday evening and the Boardroom at the Hurricane is in full effect. I’m sitting at the bar doing my usual bit, which means watching the bums across the street on Monkey Island and listening to a dozen different conversations going on around me. If you’d ever seen our zoo here in town and where they keep the monkeys then you’d understand the name Monkey Island.

Suddenly I see this drunk bum push down this other bum, I don’t really think too much of it cause these cats are always beating on each other about something, usually about who got the bottle. As long as they keep it across the street we don’t give it much thought. There’s this one big juiced up muthafucker screaming at the bum on the ground who’s making a sorry ass attempt to get to his feet.

Just then it hit me, the ugly ass bum on the ground getting screamed at is a chick. I suggest to the bartender that she hang near the phone cause this could go south real quick, but the ugly chick gets up and moves to another spot, and shit seems to calm down. Now out of the blue comes this super nappy headed cat who apparently knows the ugly chick. He finds out what’s happening and get all worked up at the bums on Monkey Island.

There’s all kinds of screaming and posturing going on and in the back of my head it made me think. This is just like something off the fuckin Discovery Channel; you got a bunch of hairy smelly muthafuckers on their “turf” fighting amongst themselves and with the strange hairy nappy headed muthafucker over this really ugly smelly hairy female.

We find out later that the strange hairy nappy headed muthafucker is a self professed “pimp” who’s friends with the ugly chick. I told the bartender that I bet he was fuckin the ugly chick cause he didn’t seem to be the type to take on all that ass kicking just to be polite. He must’a heard me cause he later mentioned that he had all his ho’s just up the street and that him and the ugly chick were just friends. Sure pal, uh huh.

By this time local security and the cops had the big juiced up bum handcuffed and leaning against the wall of the bar. I bet one of the security guys that this fucker was probably fresh on parole, you should’a seen how cut this guy was. I’m pretty sure that there’s no bum fitness center so all those muscles were courtesy of his local lockdown. I found out that he had been out of the big house less then thirty days, hmmmm, who would’a guessed, just another hump day in ole Westport.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

this sexist post is just beggin for banjo music

I can’t think of anything vaguely important to talk about today so if I ramble forgive me. But I have noticed that with the coming of warmer weather the women folk are starting to leek out of the woodwork and they’re looking real good. And even as jaded as I sometimes feel I can’t help but notice that my tastes in women are constantly in a state of fluid motion. Now don’t go getting me wrong, I still love a nice set of breasts but even that is tempered by the mysterious “it” factor.

Which before I go on you all know the breast rule right? Ok, some of you muthafuckers need to write this down and commit it to memory cause it can save you a lot of grief. The rule is that even if the best rack you’ve ever seen walks thru the door and we’re talking about one of those rare “ohmygod” racks, they’re never better then the breasts you’re with. So don’t be getting all owl eyed and shit which will only get you slapped. Anyway, back to my changing tastes which are due in part to me getting older and in part to me just being more aware of my surroundings.

Which if you’re confused go back and pick any movie or show from your youth or relative youth and look at the chicks in it. A good example could be the OG Beverly Hillbillies. Back in the day sitting on the couch a cat might think that Elly May with her country talking ass was just ok, whilst now and being older you’d look at Elle May thinking that not only would you drop off three or four fingers into her but Granny and Jane Hathaway ain’t looking so bad either. And that’s due to getting older and becoming more mature or open-minded in one’s taste.

And for me it’s doubly worse, cause my problem is here I am a cat with a Corvette mind sitting on top of a fifty-eight Buick body. Which is neither here nor there but it tends to temper what catches my interest. It’s not like I’m gonna slide up to some new car smelling twenty-one year old and hit on her cause other then maybe a set of perky tits, there’s nothing there to hold my interest. Because unless she’s pretty sharp on the stick we’ve got nothing to talk about and stupid isn’t sexy, at least to me it isn’t.

And I should know cause I’ve dated the stupid and it ain’t all that. But on the extreme opposite end of the spectrum, I could take the advice of my mother who’s always telling me that if I start showing up at church I’d have to beat the women off of me. Which as I see it would be harder then a muthafucker since they would all look just like me with the exception of a vagina which isn’t kosher.

Yeah, it’s pretty bad when my mother’s telling me about some chick at church who would be perfect for me and behind her is my sister doing the international sign for a hug & chalk. A hug & chalk is a chick so big that you walk up to her and mark a spot with chalk, then you wrap your arms around her as far as you can and mark that off with chalk. And so on and so on until you’re back at the first chalk mark which means that you’ve successfully hugged her.

Plus I know my limitations and shit, walking into a bar I might get the giggles over some chick who’s tits are so big they’re throwing a shadow, but I also understand that other noise I hear is my fuckin heart going “whoa there big fella”. Because before you can run the race you have to train for the race and visa versa.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

ripped from the internets

Death’s Door A-Z

Accent: None, except that I have a really bad habit of picking up any dialect I’m around for a day or two.

Booze: Jim Beam & coke

Chore I hate: I have a huge apartment and dusting it sucks.

Dog or cat: cats

Essential electronics: my computer and TV

Favorite Cologne: it’s called soap and water you fey little bitches. Try taking a hot shower sometimes and see if you can smell the difference.

Gold or Silver: Silver is the only way to go

Hometown: Kansas City, Mo

Insomnia: all the fuckin time.

Job Title: I actually don’t know what my fuckin title is?

Kids: none (that I know of).

Living arrangements: single, meaning it’s just me

Most admirable traits: trusting and honest

Not going to cop to: fetishes

Overnight hospital stays: many

Phobias: don’t ask and I won’t tell

Quote: "small brush shouldn’t fuck with big timber". This old man used to tell me that all the time, it took me years to understand it.

Religion: lord of the breast

Siblings: Two

Time I wake up: between 4:40 and 5:00 am

Unusual talent or skill: I don’t get shook

Vegetable I love: isn’t meat a vegetable?

Worst habit: impulsive and stubborn, which is actually two but who’s counting?

X-rays: a few

Yummy foods I make: pot roast, fried chicken, breakfast.

Zodiac sign: Sagittarius


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

best e-mail I got on Monday

I'm listening to fluffertraX on live365.com. It's 70's and 80's porn soundtracks. Lots of funk music in there... I bet you'd dig it.

sent to me by my best pal Michelle


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I was just told the nicest thing ever!...........I'm still blushing which as you can imgine is hard as fuck for me

you have incredible character, depth, passion, sensitivity, great sense of humor, compassion, and sharp insight. You're a modern day renaissance man * you know a lot about several subjects and never cease to surprise me with your knowledge and what you are thinking about. You're a good listener and a great conversationalist and your beautiful, in a manly way, of course.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

cock ah roaches

Had the oddest dream that cockroaches were out to get me. It was like that Power Puffs Girl cartoon where they were battling the cockroach king and cockroaches were coming from everywhere and bitch slappin Buttercup and the other two. They were coming out of the sink, the power outlets’, they were spilling out of the TV, they were everywhere. They were so thick on the walls it looked like the walls were breathing.

I so fuckin hate cockroaches, when I owned the big ass house on the traffic way I never saw a cockroach during the years I lived there. I attribute that to the giant spiders that lived in the basement. It’s very sobering when you see a spider so big you can see the muthafucker blink. They were so big (how big were they?) I once tossed a tennis ball at one of their webs and the fuckin ball just hung there. (thank you very much, I’ll be here all week and please try the fish.)

Walking into my basement back then was like stepping back in time to one of those old black and white science fiction movies where the giant insects terrorized the fuckin countryside. I was tempted one time to put some toy tanks and shit down there and take pictures but if one of those big muthafucker’s had landed on me I’d still be crapping myself.

Now when I was younger I stayed just off the Plaza, and the place I lived in had a huge cockroach problem. We were told back then that it was because when one restaurant fumigated they’d up and move to the next place down the street. And so on and so on, until they hit the apartment buildings we lived in. I didn’t own a TV back then and all I did was listen to music and read.

I had this huge bookcase next to my bed and one night I decided to rearrange all my books and as soon as I pulled my books out all these fuckin cockroaches started spilling out. I freaked so bad that I grabbed a can of lighter fluid and dowsed the whole fuckin bookcase and set the muthafucker on fire. I damned near burned the whole stinking place down.

Plus that was in my young and horny days, as compared to my current old and horny days, and I had covered all the walls and ceiling if the bedroom with printed burlap, which I had gotten from an import rug company, which I thought would look so smooth to the ladies. Well, that shit started going up in flames like a bitch.

I actually got the shit put out without calling the fire department, which was great cause I probably couldn’t remember the number anyway, and this was all before the 911 emergency systems was in general usage. Well at least the dream wasn’t as bad as getting fucked up on acid and talking to a giant cockroach in a pimp suit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"