observations

As I ramble thru life there are a few casual thing’s which have come to my attention. Here’s a few.

• Why is it that the chicks that always speak out against rape and sexual violence in the media are usually chicks that no one wants to fuck in the first place? Yeah, you hardly ever see the hot chick with the kung-fu grip bitching about shit like that.

• It’s always a sure bet that the cat sporting the car with all the tree hugger bumper stickers is gonna be the biggest rudest asshole.

• What is it about Harleys that make some cats think they’re some kind of a tough guy? There’s nothing to me more puzzling then seeing some cat who I know normally shits his shorts when confronted. But on the weekends he’ll put on his black tee-shirt and bandanna and swagger thru the bars like he’s somebody cause he has a thirty thousand dollar bike parked outside. I used to love seeing these guys’s and telling em; “I fuck chicks tougher then you”.

• Most people who bitch about people’s religions barely understand their own.

• Teenagers shouldn’t be allowed to drive or drink until they turn thirty.

• Before you leave anywhere, I mean anywhere, always take a pee. Cause you never know when you might get kidnapped and forced to lay in the back of a smelly dark trunk for hours on end, and pissing yourself would only make it worse.

• If you talk the talk you better fuckin walk the walk cause if you don’t it’ll just make your pussiefication that much more apparent.

• Just because a person’s old or slow doesn’t make em stupid.

• No matter how hot the chick, there’s someone out there sick and tired of that ass.

• There’s no such thing as a witty drunk.

• The chick that everybody thinks puts out usually doesn’t.

I know there’s a lot more and I should been keeping a list all these years, but they’ll come in time. But feel free to add your own life observations in the comments.




"and the monkey flipped the switch"

blast from the past.......foot in mouth

Quote of the week.
“That’s my wife”
One of the Hurricane doormen.

I’ll explain that one as we go along. I planned on updating around Friday or Saturday, but my dumb ass decided to clean up the website and in doing so, I deleted some code on my template. Thus I was not able to send anything out or make any changes until I got it fixed.

It’s a constant amusement/irritation to Cassie and Michelle whenever I try to pretend I’m computer savvy and go into the system and try to do things, cause I usually tend to fuck things up. Anyway, I got hold of a cat named Phil from Blogger.com and he found my error and got me back up and running again. He gets a Zagnut bar and a big salute for all his efforts.

By the way I’m listening to the late 80’s Go Go band EU from Washington, DC. They did the tune Buck Wild along with Shake Your Thang featuring Salt and Pepper. Shit still sound good even after all this time. That’s when you know a tune’s gonna hold the test of time, when it still sounds viable and not dated after years in the system.

But enough of that shit, you muthafucker’s gots to hear about me sticking my foot in mouth Friday night at the Cane. I’m sitting at the bar talking my ass off which I can only blame on the warm sunny weather we’re having plus maybe the whole stinkin pot of Hurricane coffee I finished off earlier. Cassie is on one side of me whilst Michele is on the other side. Mito’s pulling time behind the bar and I’m on my second or third cold frosty beverage.

The bar is just finishing up a doormen meeting and the bar is full of Hurricane doormen milling around either getting ready for work later that night or settling in with a drink. My spider sense gets to tingling and I turn around to take a look and what I see going into the women’s bathroom is one of the finest asses to come down the pike in a long while. It was like if Jesus came back as a rock chick, he’s be sporting a rump shaker ass like that. But without thinking I spoke in my loud voice,

“muthafuckin god, did anyone else see that ass”!?

And it rung thru the bar with the clarity of a bell cause the whole room suddenly went silent, I hear someone say

“that’s my wife”
Me, “what”?
Him, “that was my wife”

It was one of the doormen speaking from the other side of the bar. All I could do was sit there and taste my rather large foot in my mouth as Cassie and Michelle broke up around me. I felt so small, cause you muthafucker’s know I’m not even about doing shit like that.

It’s just that the ass came up on me so sudden like and without warning I was caught off guard and instead of using my inner monologue, I pulled a Homer Simpson and spoke aloud. But I was a man about it, I went to the side with the chick’s husband and apologized, and when she came out of the bathroom I did the same with her. I’m glad I can be such a source of constant amusement to my friends.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

No posting today, I’m busier then a one legged woman auditioning for a summer musical

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I'm e-vil bitches

You Are 82% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

From the “no more Stolichnaya for me” department………

comes a story of how everyone in Moscow feverishly getting ready for the great Russian military holiday, “THE DEFENDER OF THE MOTHERLAND DAY”, got their asses duped. See, all across Moscow preparations were being made for THE DEFENDER OF THE MOTHERLAND DAY celebrations which is celebrated annually on Feb. 23, seen by many as Men's Day in Russia. This is always a big time deal with Moscow’s streets getting all decorated with flags and posters and other such shit.

Now according to my many inside sources, the Russian Defense Ministry this year spent millions of rubles in an effort to fix up it’s fucked up image that has been damaged from numerous hazing scandals, desertions and the seemingly never-ending military shit going on in Chechnya. So it goes without saying that muthafuckers wanted shit to look good and go off without a hitch. Part of the effort to shiny things up were dozens of giant posters plastered all across the city whose theme was “congrats to the Russian Soldiers”.

Now here’s the deal, on the eve of “THE DEFENDER OF THE MOTHERLAND DAY”, muthafuckers were walking around and shit admiring all the posters and decorations when some cat from a local newspaper said. “Uh guys, what’s up with the big battleship in all the posters”? Everybody looked up and that’s when they noticed that in all the posters depicting Russian military pride, instead of a Russian battleship slicing thru the sea there sat the American warship the USS Missouri.

The USS Missouri title was so clearly depicted in the posters that it could not have been mistaken for any other warship. As a matter of fact the fuckin error was so obvious that Defense Ministry press officers quickly disowned responsibility for the posters. They were overheard to say that the Defense Ministry has nothing to do with preparation of the posters, that civilians created the posters and that they were clearly drunk incompetent fuckups. The head of the Moscow City Advertisers Committee came back with, “look here, they wanted a poster with a fancy battleship, they got their fancy battleship so what’s all the bitching for”? The posters were removed.











From the “another sure sign that god hates your stupid ass” department……

comes a tale of a man who simply had a bad fuckin day. This muthafucker was over a friend’s house drinking and shit when like most drunks, he became depressed. He started bitching about the state of his health and the money problems he was going thru and all that. He kept this up until he hit his peak and off into the kitchen he went screaming where he commenced to stabbing himself in the fuckin stomach and chest with a kitchen knife.

The friend freaked out cause here was this muthafucker stabbing himself and bleeding all over his shit, so he called the cops. As soon as he called the cops, ole stabbie boy ran home and got himself into an argument with his wife about going to Vegas. She freaked out running into the front yard where she waited until the cops came. The cops show up and after going into the home, find this crazy muthafucker standing by a back bedroom with a knife in his hand. They tell the muthafucker to drop the knife and when he refused one of the cop’s tasered his stupid drunk ass.

So the cop fires off a the two-pronged fifty-thousand volt taser at the cat’s chest and what happened next just fucked everyone up. According to my many inside sources, the taser pierced the cat’s shirt striking a butane lighter in the shirt pocket which blew the fuck up setting the fucker’s shirt on fire. The cops grabbed ole burning man and after throwing him to the ground got the fire put out and got his ass to the hospital where he is recovering from minor burns and self-inflected stab wounds to the chest and stomach. And of course the muthafucker doesn’t remember a thing.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

the goddamn curling is killing me

How come I can’t stop with the watching of the fuckin curling on the fuckin Olympics? I don’t even like curling but whenever I’m flipping the fuckin channel and the fuckin curling’s on the fuckin TV, I find myself watching the shit for way too long.

It’s like watch a bad porno where the chick is shoving her greased up foot up the guy’s asshole the way I can’t turn away. But I keep on watching because I want to see how far the chick stuffs her foot and plus I’m trying to figure out the mathematics of the whole thing.

The shit’s like fuckin shuffle board isn’t it except with the big thingies and the brooms and the fuckin ice and all that right? I think it’s the look on the face of all the players that stop all my forward motion. Fuck, I’ve seen muthafucker’s with guns in their faces that didn’t have half the fuckin intensity these muthafuckers do.

And instead of spending my time on the Internet as god intended, finding porn, I find myself searching for information on curling. How fucked up have I become? Next thing you know, I’ll be buying tickets to Brokeback Mountain or Broadway shows, or gods forbid, watching ice skating or “shiver” hockey.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

monkeyshines

For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluation:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack , but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "He's been working with glue too much."

14. "He would argue with a signpost."

15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

22. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

24. 'If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

26. "It's hard to believe he beat out, 1,000,000 other sperm."

27. "One neuron short of a synapse."

28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Omaha Steak Company

Last night I got home and after checking my mail I noticed I got this thing from the Omaha Steak Company. It was a gift certificate for a cooler full of steaks, burgers and hotdogs plus a set of knives thrown in for free. The retail price for all this shit was over two hundred dollars and the gift certificate was worth around a hundred and forty bucks.

So all I had to do was cough up maybe sixty dollars and all this meaty goodness would be mine. But it’s like I always tell the baggy pants wearing kids, if the shit sounds too good then its shit. So I started reading all the paperwork looking for the catch, cause I knew there had to be one there somewhere. Cause where’s the profit in giving a muthafucker a bunch of shit for almost nothing, right?

I went on the Omaha Steaks website and starting digging around, but I still couldn’t find the catch I was looking for. So I goggled the muthafuckers and there it was, the catch. I started finding all kinds of testimonials and shit as to what it was like dealing with the Omaha Steak Company. All the testimonials stated to the fact that the meat’s top rate and good as a muthafucker, and that they do deliver what you want in a timely manner. But here’s the fuckin deal, these muthafuckers are notorious for selling your so called private information to other companies.

And farther more once you buy their shit they will hound your ass at home, at work, send you email after email to keep buying their meat. I found testimonial after testimonial, website after website from people who all said the same thing. Love their meat, but hate the phone calls and all the other shit. So with me being a guy who only gets maybe four phone calls a week and hates talking on the phone and would rather get ass punched by monkeys then deal with telemarketers I tore the paperwork up. I think I’ll keep buying the questionable meat at the ghetto market here in town or am I being overly paranoid?


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

some people know as much as a

You know who can put my cock betwixt their tongue and cheek? Muthafuckers who after finding out who I work for go;

“really…you must be so proud”

in a tone dripping with sarcasm. Yeah I am proud of who I work for you oafish runny dog pussy piece of shit. And farther more, save your witty sarcasm for your monkey friends you rat bastard old fuck. What the fuck do you know about any goddamned thing”?





"and the monkey flipped the switch"

some people and their fuckin opinions

I have to agree with Nightmare, whose site I copped this shit from. This chick’s just not right and most definitely staring up at a different colored sky then the most of us. I don’t know if she needs the pimp hand or her tubes tied. But she really needs to keep her crazy insano opinions under her fruitgum colored sky. Fuck, hate to see the ass raping she gives Dr. Seuss or the fuckin Brother’s Grimm or god forbid the whole Snow White and the seven dwarf’s debacle. Her name is Robin Roth and go check her book reviews of children stories and tell me what you all think.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

so down with this

I’m reading this article in the paper where this cat has been accused of fatally beating his roommate with a sledgehammer and a claw hammer because there was no toilet paper in their home. I mean he beat this cat’s ass so fuckin bad he had to be identified by his fuckin fingerprints.

Here’s two men, both in their fifties who got it on so hard over toilet paper not being in the house that one of em is dead and the other’s going up for murder. And I am so down with that. C’mon, is there anything worse then settling down for a good shit and finding out all the fuckin toilet paper’s gone? Yeah, maybe getting your cock pinched by a giant crab or your twat bicycle kicked.

I remember when I used to live with the strippers back in the day. I could never catch em doing it but I swear they used so much toilet paper they had to be selling my shit on the fuckin international black market . Shit, right now there’s some muthafucker in the fuckin Ukraine with one of those moose & squirrel voices still living the life of Riley off the money he made from selling my toilet paper.

I’d buy one of the giant ten roll packages of toilet paper and by the next weekend all my shit would be gone. I run thru the house screaming wanting to know where all the paper went. All I’d get would be these blank looks, you know like the ones you get in the strip club when you tell a stripper you’re cool and want to know her real name.

If I didn’t know any better I’d think that after taking a shower they’d use my shit to dry off with. By god if it wasn’t for the fact that they ran around the house buck assed nekked and kept me entertained I’d be in jail right now from killing some muthafuckers. Ooooooh, just thinking about it still pisses me off. I wanted to beat em like they owed me money, as a matter of fact I would'a gave em twenty dollers and made em run just to make the ass whippin that much better.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

brokeback in Torino

The way American speed skaters Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick carry on, why don’t they just get it over with and find a room and speed fuck each other. Fuck, I’ve seen drunken gay men in mini skirts with lesser egos.
"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I guess blogger back to working now but the picture says it all

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

if this was a perfect world

Corey with an e just sent this to me. that'll scare the baggy panties off the old ladies won't it?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

is this all 1984 or am I just "nut"?

I’m driving home from work the other afternoon and as I made my turn onto Broadway in the Plaza I was just all fucked up with the dumbass to see fuckin Lance Armstrong staring down at me. I had heard that a local company “American Century Investments” had partnered with Lance to raise money for his “Lance Armstrong Foundation”.

But jumping jesus this had to be one of the most disturbing sights to come down the pike in a long while. Draped over the side of one of the large American Century office buildings was this huge picture of Lance with this deep piercing gaze. You know the kind of look he must’a had when he first made Cheryl Crow strip nekked. SHOW ME THE PUSSY! I COMMAND YOU TO SHOW ME THE PUSSY!!


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Saint Valentine's Day

For those of you not down with some shit, Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome, February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage and understandably she was also the god of finance. The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia. This festival was in honor of the god Lupercus.

During this time shitloads of hungry wolves hung around outside of Rome where shepherds kept their flocks of sheep. The God Lupercus was said to watch over the shepherds and their flocks and protect them from the wolves. And every February the Romans celebrated a feast called Lupercalia to honor Lupercus so that no harm would come to the shepherds and their flocks.

The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate, no dating or fuckin around unless arranged. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of Lupercalia the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and he’d get to hang out for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and more often then not, they would fall in love and would later marry.

Now under the rule of Emperor Claudius II, Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns and Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. Which if the truth be known muthafuckers just didn’t feel like fighting his wars and being away from home for months at a time. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. Hey, you want pussy, you come fight my wars.

Now during all this the good Saint Valentine was a priest in Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and one of his priest buddies, Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples. And for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off and shit. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270, hence St. Valentines Day.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

human nature

Last night before bed I’m watching this shit on the History channel showing the pretend deconstruction of an alien spacecraft. I found the whole thing highly entertaining but the arrogance of it all amazed me. The alien craft had all the latest goodies and shit like laser projectors, antimatter cannons, and teleporters amongst other shit. And I had to call bullshit when the narrator explained that even though aliens had acquired all this advance technology, they most likely got the idea from us since it mirrors our science fiction so closely.

The show discussed all the technology found on the spacecraft and our, meaning America’s current status with said technology, like antimatter. Now any muthafucker with half a brain understands that if a particle of matter meets its antimatter equivalent there’s gonna be some fucked up shit like an explosion in the multi megaton range. And then the fuckin show explains that muthafuckers here are producing antimatter? And they’re storing the antimatter they produce in an electromagnetic medium?

And that because I work for the MAN I know that shit probably came from the lowest bidder and even though it’s only a few atomic particles which ain’t really much at all but like damn its still antimatter? It’s like why do muthafucker’s insist on producing and making the deadliest shit they can in the name of science? Yeah and when you ask these Rubik’s Cube playing cocksuckers why we always get the same stock answer. “Oh so we can fully understand the dangers of such said shit and how to deal with it if we should ever come across it”.

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I don’t need to run up on a stinkin grizzly bear and piss on its foot to understand that’s it’s gonna tear my fuckin head off and after eating my fat ass, shit me out all over the goddamned woods. But I guess that’s human nature to be curious about some shit. I can just imagine how it was back in the Paleo-what the fuck age with the Neanderthals. These muthafucker’s had no concept of fire or what to do with it. All they knew was that fire hurt if they touched it but at the same time made em feel good.

So these early muthafuckers are hanging outside the cave and shit sucking lice out of each other’s asses watching this thunderstorm when suddenly a bolt of lighting strikes this Paleo-what the fuck bison just minding his own business out by the stream.

“Hey Jimmy, are you checking this shit out”?

“Yo Tommy what’s up buddy”?

“The jagged fire stick from the sky thingie just killed the big pointy horn thingie out by the water”.

“Word, really? Let’s go check it out”.

“Damn Tommy, something smells good like a muthafucker out here”.

“Wow, I think it’s the pointy horn thingie smelling like that, but I don’t ever recall them smelling this goddamned good before”.

“And check it out, it’s all split apart and hot to the touch, think it’s ok to eat it”?

“Goddamn Jimmy, like pass me the salt, this muthafucker tastes all right and it’s not all bloody and chewy like before, but check it out; the grass around it is still burning”.

“So let me get this straight, the jagged fire stick from the sky thingie hits the big pointy horn thingie. Kills it and suddenly it’s all tasty and shit? Is that what we got here”?

“Dude, we so gots to get the jagged fire stick from the sky thingie to hit inside the cave cause that would rock”!

And so man’s arrogant search for fire begins.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Sir, I’m so withdrawing my contribution

I’ve been following with great interest the “accidental” shooting of Harry Whittington this weekend. Harry’s the seventy-eight Republican contributor who whilst out hunting quail with Dick Cheney in Texas got his old ass shot, Yeah and by whom you ask, by ole heart attack himself, vice president Dick Cheney. I guess from what I hear, Harry had just shot himself a quail and had fallen behind the main group whilst retrieving his kill.

And after getting his bird and shit he caught up to the main group and was coming up behind Dick Cheney who was tracking this flight of quail his damn self. When the quail flushed, Cheney whipped his shit up to shoot the quail and lo and behold who was standing in the line of fire behind old Dick with an “oh fuck” look on his face? Yup, Harry Whittington who caught himself a load of bird shot from the vice president.

So I know it was all an accident and all that but it would have been, and this all depends on who you voted for, funny as a muthafucker if after getting shot, Harry had dropped and rolled screaming “YOU STUPID COCKSUCKER!! YOU FUCKIN SHOT ME”?” and John Wayne’d his ass up to his feet shooting the VP off his fuckin feet. Then taking out the VP’s entire Secret Service detail and going on the lam.

And in those few minutes Harry has gone from a respected businessman and republican contributor to a wanted man. But since Harry’s a lifelong Texan who most people think of as a great man, a grassroots movement starts up all across the great state of Texas and Harry’s turned into a local folk hero. But the entire political power of Washington is behind the huge manhunt for Harry and the jackboots are all over the state slapping folks around to tell em where their hiding Harry.

But like in the great novel “The ayes of Texas” by Daniel Cruz, Texas gets angry and decides to secede from the union and ends up kicking the shit out of Washington and in the end Harry is a national hero and the new president of Texas which has become it’s own independent nation. Hey it could happen and that would make for a news worthy Monday.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

blast from the past...10/27/2000....Texas Death Rant and Burn the Socks

So there I was, another night of sitting around in my underwear watching the tube. Next to me was my stupid cat who I might add was not wearing anything, I know it makes me sick too. We were watching CNN and who in the hell do you think CNN was interviewing, the stupid sock-puppet from Pets.Com. For those of you new to my perverse style of thinking I hate the stupid sock puppets.

To those of you who know me from old you might remember my ongoing diatribes about the stupid sock puppets. And yes, the stupid sock puppet was talking the same brand of bullshit, rehashing over and over his problem with other sock puppets on TV who take all his thunder. You know, burning that muthafucker along with the hand inside would most likely make my day……………….. Well, that’s five seconds of my life I can’t never get back. On to what really amazed me. I also watched a live report from Huntsville, TX on this cat that was going to the death chamber. Now-lets-get-this-out-in-the-open. The guy had 19 years and over 30 chances to get off death row. You break the cookie ya gotta sleep with the crumbs, or some such shit. From what I read about all his past crimes, he gave as good as he’s getting.

If any of you guys saw the broadcast, did you check out the setup outside the prison? The Prison, a shitload of guards and shitloads of Texas highway patrol, 17 Texas Rangers, a barricade and a whole lot of pissed off people with signs protesting. Best sign of the night: DA + JUDGES = LYERS.

Damn that Texas school system! The best part was when THE NEW BLACK PANTHERS showed up to give their two cents worth. Check this out; these cats were carrying semi-automatic weapons and the newscasters in DC freaked.

A quick insight in Texas.
• Do not kill old folks, women, or kids in Texas.
• It is legal in Texas to carry a loaded rifle in public as long as you do not point it at anyone.
• It’s just plain fucking legal to carry in Texas.
• In Texas, you can drink and drive or last I heard.
Remember when I pointed out that there were only 17 Texas Rangers watching the crowd? That’s all they needed cause Texas rangers do not fuck around, just ask Chuck Norris.

But really, Huey P. Newton and Bobby Seale would have pimped slapped this crew.All they did was march around in circles, with the press corps chasing them. The cops gave em a look over and went back to what they were doing.
“Up the people, down with the man” just does not carry the same amount of push anymore.
Well, enough of my senseless ramblings.

long time reader Keyser Soze sends a joke

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "Sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the Agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent. "What's the hell's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

From the “hey, now that you've won the Superbowl what are you going to do” department……………

comes a story from up Wisconsin way of a muthafucker who apparently made a lot of wrong decisions in life. It seems that this chick was driving down the road minding her own business and shit when her car got broadsided. And not by another car!
According to my many inside sources, the chick was driving when up the road she spied this cat walking on the side of the road all buck assed nekked and shit.

And wither it was the color of the car or he thought blonds might be more fun, he did the bums rush at her car hitting it so hard the fuckin car sustained body damage along with a broken windshield. Now behind her was this other chick driving her car who saw the whole thing. Now this chick recognized the cat from around town and as she was slowing down to see if anyone was hurt the crazy muthafucker picked himself up off the road and after settling into a football stance rammed into her car.

Then if that didn’t beat all, after getting up and dusting his balls off the snowcone eating retard then hopped into the chicks car and started up a conversation like this was some every day shit in his world. I guess it goes without saying that the cops were called and now Mr. Buckassednekked has some explaining to do to the cats in the white lab coats.

Shit, and around here we think getting hit by stinkin assed deer on the freeway is a big deal. Though if the stinkin assed deer was to get into a football stance and go “hup one, hup two”, before running into the road, that would rock like a muthafucker.




And lastly from the “future Darwin Awards winner” department………

arrives a story of another man who made a lot of sorry assed decisions in his life. Down in sunny Florida this cop was sitting in his patrol car knocking back a bag of doughnuts when this cat walked up and knocked on his window.

According to my many inside sources, the cop was in full uniform sitting inside a marked police car with the radio making cop noises and all that good shit. So with all that the cat after getting the cop’s attention asks the cop if he was straight. The cop answers yes, and the cat say, “are you sure, you know what that means right? It means you’re down with buying some coke”.

Well after looking around for the candid camera the cop assured the cat that he was indeed straight as a muthafucker. And that’s when the cat pulled out a baggie full of rock cocaine and asked for cash. The incredulous cop took the bag and after throwing the dumb bastard in the back of the car for safe keeping had the contents tested.

The tests showed positive for cocaine and the cop arrested the cat who last we heard was being held in lieu of $7,500 bail on charges of possession of cocaine with intent to distribute, possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of marijuana with intent to distribute.

It’s like my old friend from back in the day, three fingered Sammy who always said; “never do business whilst drinking, never do your own shit, and never but never, get so fucked up that you end up trying to sell your shit to a cop in uniform.




"and the monkey flipped the switch"

most people get hooked up on myspace, I get crap like this

Greetings my name - IRINA.
To me of 30 years. I have been given birth, and I live in Russia in city Zvenigovo, at coast of beautiful river Volga.
It is in central part Povolgyia.
I the serious, kind, sympathizing woman.
I do not smoke and I do not drink.
I like to be engaged in sports meets, go to cinema, a museum and theatre.
Very much I like to be prepared.
I want to find the person for serious attitudes and in the future to create with it family.
I shall write all in the letter in more detail, and with pleasure I shall answer your questions.
Write on mine Electronic ?????:irinafty@rambler.ru

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

a joke for you

Whilst flying down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find this fuckin cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with that classic patronizing asshole smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What's your hurry sweet cheeks?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do that makes you feel like you can speed down my roads like a bat out of hell?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a muthafuckin ROCK!!! ..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... Fuckin priceless…..



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

thinking the way that I do

People are all the time asking me; “Greg, why do you have such a hard-on against groups such as PETA and the Parents Television Council? Cause and it might just be me and shit, but isn’t PETA all about preventing animal cruelty and the PTC all about too much sex and violence on the fuckin TV? Which to my thinking and lord knows I’m not the fuckin king of I know all bout some shit, but isn’t both of those a good thing”?

Which after taking a deep breath I’m wont to answer. Well its yes and no and let me tell a muthafucker why. First off I don’t have a problem with PETA’s primary mission statement, preventing cruelty to animals. But like a lot of groups who start off all well meaning and shit, PETA has turned into one of these muthafuckers who can’t see the fuckin forest because of the trees. Everytime I think of these cocksuckers I can’t help but be reminded of this story that was written by the great science fiction writer Robert Adams.

It dealt with a post apocalyptic United States and the horse clans that inhabited it afterwards. In this one story the bad guys turned out to be these cannibalistic incestuous inbreds who lived in the mountains that wouldn’t bath or kill animals for food or eat plants. Turns out they were the bastard offshoots of a group of hard core environmentalists who fled to the mountains when the world went to shit.

They so believed in their own shit that they passed it down to generation after generation until instead of environment being a word, it became their fuckin god and hello crazy train. And so too has PETA in my mind gone from an organization doing good, to and I use this term loosely, a bunch of crazy assed eco-terrorist. I mean when the leadership of PETA has been quoted saying shit like this;

“like the Jews murdered in concentration camps, animals are terrorized when they are housed in huge filthy warehouses and rounded up for shipment to slaughter. The leather sofa and handbag are the moral equivalent of the lampshades made from the skins of people killed in the death camps”. Its like I have to stop giving a shit about their cause and go; “hey, nutty boy, isn’t it time for your train to be leaving now? Damn look at the time, I’ll have to bag on the PTC later.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

can I help you?

Saturday morning I got up early and decided to hop up out of the house and get some shit done. I really needed to get off the pot and pick out an exercise bike or it just wouldn’t happen. I headed to a place out in the burbs called Dick’s Sporting Goods that I came across on the internet. They along with Sears were my two local choices for the kind of recumbent bike that I wanted. Dick’s had one for around three fifty and Sears had one for around four hundred. So since Dick’s was closer I stopped there first, plus my sister’s part time job was in the same mall and she wanted to meet me there.

I find my sister and we walk into this place and it’s fuckin huge and full of nothing but sporting shit. You gots your hunting shit, your camping shit, golfing shit, football and soccer shit, some canoeing and rafting shit, your running shit and baseball shit, plus your shit that I didn’t even know what kind of shit it was. I think I even saw a couple of stuffed bears off in the corner.

I’m standing there whilst my sister wondered off when this salesman walked up and asked if he could help me. Now with it being understandable that I’m not new at this shit, I’d think that when I told the cat I wanted to BUY a fuckin recumbent bike he might come off his ass wanting to help. But all he did was point to the other side of the building. What a fuckin dick.

I walk over to the other side of the building and there’s all the workout equipment in a neat row along with the one I saw on the internet. And true to form it wasn’t till I hopped on it and started pedaling that a fuckin salesman shows up. I kept it short and sweet. “Yeah I want to buy this one and I need to see one in a box to check wither it’ll fit in my car or not. And oh yeah, what’s your bottom price?”

The funny part actually came at the checkout counter whilst they were ringing me up. The checkout chick asked me if I want a Dick’s Sporting Goods shopper card. The salesman must’a seen the look of what the fuck on my face cause he told me that the cards for when I come back, the more shit I buy the more I get off shit. I really wanted to go “hey fella look at me, do I look like a frequent customer”? But I kept it to myself and got the hell out. Oh and on a side note it took me over two hours to put that muthafucker together. I did so much fuckin wrenching and shit that I should have a stinkin union card.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

back by demand, it's fuckin Monday

So, let’s see what’s fucking my head up as of late. Fuck, where did that list go? Oh, this ain’t exactly pissing me off but people who say I use the word “fuck” too much can go fuck off. As a matter of fact fuck these muthafucker’s who fuckin bitch about my so-called excessive use of the word fuck. If by using the word fuck I feel that I can express myself more in the manner I’m fuckin used too then I’m fucking going to use it and all it bastard variations.

Dumbass radio personalities tend to piss me off. You got these pompous cocksucker’s stinking up the airwaves spouting their fucked up rhetoric, and for some reason we the listening public are supposed to think they’re God’s answer to cool. Don’t get me wrong, I can find em as entertaining as the next person but sometimes the dumbassness of it all kills me. The talking monkey’s should just shut the fuck up and play the music. It’s not like they hand pick the stinking songs anyway, the fuckin Man does that.

And speaking of music, who the fuck decided that everything has to be categorized and have a label put on it? You got soul, R&B, nouveau soul, old school soul, gangsta rap, hip hop and other shit I refuse to recognize. Plus there’s rock, math rock, classic rock, power rock, power punk rock, pop punk, punk, metal, roots rock. And the shit goes on and on.

It’s like fucking new car colors, Sapphire silver, timberline green, electric blue, butane blue metallic and cactus green, and my personal what the fuck favorite, “mature nimbus gray pearl. There’s no fucking way you can tell me that car designers aren’t sitting in some room filled with couches and shit passing the blunts and snorting lines to come up with some of this shit. “Yes, this new model comes with the virgin lipstick red interior along with the cum white exterior, together we call it the pearl necklace. And if you don’t know what a pearl necklace is then you need to go ask somebody.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

something new to do buck assed nekked

Just so you muthafuckers know, instead of spending my tax refund on paltry shit like.

Bills, more tattoos, a full face helmet, food, car repair, clothing, drunken nights out, whores, sex toys, more whores, strippers, a bigger TV, or a new stereo,

I ponyed up and got myself one of these. Nice huh?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

From the “try this fuckin Jared from Subway” department……………………..

comes a story of a woman known as the Black Widow who’s a rockstar on the competitive eating circuit. She holds numerous world eating records, including forty-six dozen oysters in ten minutes, eleven pounds of cheesecake in nine minutes, forty-eight chicken tacos in eleven minutes, thirty-seven hot dogs plus buns in twelve minutes and fifty-six hamburgers in eight minutes.

And dig this, the chick only tips the scale at a hundred pounds. Well the other day she fucked over another world record by knocking back twenty-six grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes thus winning the World Grilled Cheese Sandwich eating Championships which were held in New York City. Can you imagine going out with this chick and after pumping out a weeks pay for dinner her telling you she’s not sucking your dick? Food for thought huh?

She reminds me of one of my stripper roommates from back in the day. This chick was hot, weighed around a hundred pounds wet and could put fuckin Vikings to shame the way she tossed back food. We had just moved in together and after dragging female crap in the house all day I decided to go buy a slab of ribs. But I forget the cokes so to the store I went right? When I got back she was asleep on the couch and all that was left of the fuckin ribs was the fuckin paper they came wrapped in.
She was like this hot tittylicious food consuming freak.

One day we went to one of those all you can ear buffets. I had maybe a plate and a half of food while she tossed back plate after plate after plate. It got so bad the Asian owner came running up wringing her hands going;

“you no eat no more, you no eat no more, we closed, you take her and go now”

I had to carry her out to the car cause she was like some snake after sucking down a whole pig. Just moaning with her eyes half closed and lethargic as a muthafucker. Thank god there weren’t any warm boulders around cause I know she would have crawled up on one and fell asleep.




From the “isn’t that special” department……………………..

and lastly comes a story where members of a church in Indiana are saying that a wooden door leading into the church bears the image of Jesus. The congregation of the Reigning Light of the Healing Chapel said the image in the wood grain is similar to that of the Shroud of Turin and that it makes their church special.

According to my many inside sources, who have seen and examined the door have this to say. First off, what’s up with muthafuckers seeing Jesus’s face in shit all the time? They see Jesus in apples, in potatoes, on hot buttered toast, on the side of stinkin bridges and shit, fried chicken, or even some stripper's oiled ass, what the fuck?

Secondly, if your ass is that close to god, Jesus or who the fuck ever, where you can see his face in a cheap wood grained door, then maybe your ass ain’t from around here and you need to go back home to your world with it’s different colored sky. It’s like what the hell makes seeing Jesus so fuckin special? I know drunks who see Jesus all the time after a few cocktails. In fact I remember when I saw Jesus. That muthafucker had to be two stories tall not counting the platforms he was wearing. But since I stopped drinking Old Crow he hasn’t come around anymore. Go figure.

and the monkey flipped the switch

assholes suck

One of the best “fuck you’s” I’ve ever seen came years ago when I lived on the Plaza here in town. It was one of those hot summer nights and I happened to be standing on this corner waiting to cross the street. Now for those of you unfamiliar with the Plaza, it’s one of those upscale shopping/living areas that all major cities have and it’s also modeled after this quaint little town in Spain.

But the oddest thing about it is there are very few stop signs or proper stop lights in the area at all, something about stop signs and shit hurting the ambience. So muthafuckers have to really pay attention when crossing the street or driving around or you’ll get your shit fucked up. In front of me inching through the intersection is this old ass Chevy being driven by this equally old ass man. Suddenly thru the opposite intersection comes this Blazer full of what looks like college kids. They start honking and screaming at the old man to hurry and get out of the way. I mean they’re just being huge jerky assholes about it.

Without changing expression the old man just backs his shit up and after throwing into drive, rams into the side of the Blazer. Then he backs up and does it again and again and again. Then just drives off no worse for ware except that his bumper’s hanging loose. Whilst back at the intersection the occupants of the Blazer are just sitting there with their mouths hanging open in shock. Not a scratch on em but the Blazer is fucked up with the side all caved in like a muthafucker. After seeing that two things crossed my mind, don’t fuck with old people and that’s the way to treat rude assholes.

I only bring this up because it’s what I feel like doing every time I see some muthafucker parking in a handicapped spot that shouldn’t be there. I can’t stand that shit, where some uncaring cocksucker parks their cocksucking ass in the handicapped spot simply because they’re too muthafuckin lazy to walk their cornholing asses a few feet. You need your fuckin feet broke and your goddamned fingers smashed in a fuckin vise and Chuck Norris kicked in the pussy or balls. You rude, insensitive cum gurgling pricks. And the same goes for you little pieces of chum that use the temporary handicapped tags whilst being healthy as a goddamned pig. Pussiefied little bitches.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

you break it you buy it???

I don’t have a lot to say today, except that I really feel the need to go away for a long time. Maybe a nice beach with waves breaking upon the shore or better yet on the porch of an old weathered beach house drinking coffee whilst watching the waves break upon the shore. Or still better yet sitting or the porch of some old weathered beach house sipping on a Beam & Coke whilst watching the breaking waves only to be nicely distracted by the sight of multiple women jiggle as they walk up the beach in their overly small bathing suits.

Yeah, that might be nice cause to say the least I’m one stressed out muthafucker. But then again I look around and what do I see? The dumb are even dumber; we still got the same asshole(s) in office, and good people are still getting fucked over. So what do I have to complain about, not a goddamn thing? Cause no matter what I say I love my job, my mother loves me and my friends at least tell me they do. So in all reality I’m doing ok. Plus isn’t stress just one more reason to rub one out, not like I actually need a reason but it’s good to know that masturbation serves a purpose other then the assumed.

Hell, I could be the poor son of a bitch who strolled into a museum the other day only to trip over his fuckin untied shoelaces and fall into a display of Qing dynasty vases breaking three of em. I mean c’mon, it was bad enough as a kid breaking your mother’s good china, but to break three vases from the 17th century Qing dynasty? How in the fuck do you oops you way out of that? This really happened at a British museum the other day when some muthafucker tripped over his shoelaces into a stairwell, which he then proceeded to stumble down until he fell into a bunch of Qing dynasty vases which were on display on this window sill.

There were proper British muthafuckers all over the place losing their cool saying; “what the fuck, what did you do, what did you do, you non-walking, no shoe tying cocksucker”. Think of the stress that cat must be going thru? And it doesn’t matter that the museum is putting up the front that they’re just happy the cat wasn’t hurt cause you know someone’s got that muthafucker on ice in a dark closet till they can figure out what to do to em. This is a quote from the museum director, "It was a most unfortunate and regrettable accident, but we are glad that the visitor involved was able to leave the museum unharmed."

Yeah my unfortunate ass, the museum also decided they’re not telling anyone how much the vases were worth. But according to my many inside sources, who did a little digging, just the other day some Chinese businesswoman paid a record high price of $5.32 million to buy a peach-patterned vase made in the Yongzheng period (1723-1735), thus setting a new auction record for porcelain from the Qing Dynasty (1644-1911). So you do the math.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"