small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: November 2005

Wednesday, November 30

underwear musings



I’m really at a loss today as what to talk about. Nope, can’t think of a damn think at all. Same old shit in the news, same ole shit in my life, though I do feel the need to expound on this wondrous new discovery in my life. Tide with Febreeze. That shit rocks with its cock out. I brought it for the first time this past Sunday and after doing my laundry I was really impressed with how fresh and airy my clothes smelled especially my whites. And speaking of laundry, I’m finding out that I’m a rarity because I fold my underwear? Is that right, or at least it’s the impression I get whenever I bring it up in conversation with other men. It’s a good feeling starting your day off by pulling a neatly folded pair of underwear off the stack. It’s like having a good breakfast to start your busy day, just snuggier.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Tuesday, November 29

blast from the past......ole Ray


Disclaimer: the below post doesn’t advocate prostitution or the slapping around of whores. The below post doesn’t advocate the use of whores as material objects or the use of said whores as money making devices. The author of the post even though he has been known to hang out with the whores doesn’t encourage “pimping” or “big pimpin” or “player” as a lucrative job skill. The author of the below post does want to you to be aware that pimpin ain’t easy, and the term “bitch better have my money” should never be used around your mother, wife, girlfriend, or any other woman without knowledge of the serious repercussions that may befall you. Such as getting your cock kicked in till it pokes out your ass, getting snatched up in here, and the infamous, slapped around till you cry like the little bitches you are.

The other night I watched the movie “American Pimps”. It was cool putting faces with some of the names that I’d been hearing about for years. Back in the day when hookers ran heavy thru Westport I used to be on speaking terms with some of the pimps that worked the midtown area and as a kid I was on and off employed by a pimp named Ray that worked near my old block.

He was a cool old guy if kind’a nefarious and shit, had himself a fish market out south in Swope Park that he ran with two of his brothers. I helped keep the place clean and did the odd errand every so often. Ray always kept his shit to the nines and after the store closed I’d sit around as him and his brothers got all cleaned up to go out. Or as Ray would say, “get cleaner then a room full of big city clap doctors.”

They would always tell me that they were going to check the string and shake out their bitches. Ray was from the Mississippi Delta and spoke this strange mush mouth English. He was tall and slender and had four or five gold teeth with the diamonds insets and always wore his hair slicked back looking like James Brown. Every time he saw a good looking women he’d always say that he either had her on his string or was gonna put her on his string.

I’d ask him what his string was and he’d tell me that what he called his working bitches. During the week he’d work his third and second string and on the weekends he’d put out what he called his first string. Myself, I couldn’t tell the difference. I thought they all were gorilla ugly but then again I was young and most of em seemed to be damn near my mother’s age.

Whenever they came into the store old Ray would holler out for me to get his bitch a catfish sammich and a cold soda pop. He actually had a sky blue Caddie with the rear window all vinyl’ed out in the shape of a diamond. He had to be the only cat I’d ever seen with a fuzzy steering wheel that made it look cool. But every Sunday Ray would gather up all his bitches and head off to church. “Have to keep the bitches grounded” he’d say. I just think old Ray believed in working the long stroke. Here’s up to all the old Pimps.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Monday, November 28

fly issues




There’s something going on in our new office that’s bothering me. I bring it up to my coworkers and director’s but all I get is that what the fuck look. I’m trying to raise the alarm before it’s too late but no one seems to be listening. This new office is pretty cool, we got all the new bells & whistles and shit, as a matter of fact we got shit I can’t even tell you muthafuckers about. But the thing that’s bothering me is this.

The flies are dying. Yeah, you heard me right, we’re out amongst all the trees and shit and every time someone opens a door to the outside, flies fly on in. No big deal right? Flies are part of nature and if you see one on your desk and you’re quick enough you kill it and go about your business. But since when do flies just fuckin sit there waiting for you to hit em? That’s what’s bugging the fuck out of me. I mean god knows I’m not the quickest muthafucker with a rolled up newspaper, but to have the fly just stand there looking at me as I swat it is just unnerving as hell.

It’s gotten so bad as of late that when I see one I can walk up and flick it with my finger. The fly will sense me coming, the fly will even turn around and face me, but the fly never tries to fly away. It’s like they’re all suicidal and shit. This morning I dragged my boss out of his office and showed him a fly standing on the ceiling.

I made him watch as I flung wadded up paper up at it until I knocked it down. He looked at me like I had lost my fuckin mind. Don’t you get it I screamed, flies just don’t sit there until you hit em. Why isn’t the fly flying away ducking and dodging like flies are supposed too? Something in the air is killing all the flies and I’m gonna get to the bottom of it or else.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Friday, November 25

sweatin the small stuff

no wonder Jennifer Love Hewitt
can't get any acting jobs anymore






From the “mile high” department………

comes a story of personal woe because it finally hit me with the clarity of a knee in the nuts that I don’t really dig flying. First off I hate packing. I never know what to fuckin pack so I pack everything I fuckin own. This time around I packed three pairs of pants, seven pairs of tidy-whities along with five shirts. All this crap for what amounted to a two-day stay. I’m worse then a chick when it come to shit like that, cause I’m always thinking about shit going south and me getting stuck somewhere without clean underwear. Either that or I suffering from SMPO. (severe mangina pookage outis) Then once I get on the fuckin plane I’m looking at a seat so small that muthafuckin starving Ethiopians with the distended bellies and shit have trouble getting into em.

Then once I pry my fat ass into the seat I can’t help but think about peeing and the horror that is the bathroom on airliners. At least I don’t have to worry about the cocksuckin turbulence once in the bathroom cause I’m wedged in so fucking tight, moving is a goddamned forgone conclusion. There’s also that crash and burn thing that fucks with me. Cause as soon as the plane takes off I’m glued to the window looking out. And please excuse the fuck out’a me, but why are the windows on planes so fuckin small and placed so far down that a muthafucker has to almost double over to look out and shit?

Goddamn, would it kill em to make the windows bigger and shit? It’s not like the fuckin plane is going into outer fuckin space and dealing with gravitational pull and crap. Anyway, I always watch takeoff cause I’m thinking, ok, we’re this high, so if the muthafucker falls it might not be so bad. Damn, we’re this high; I might be able to crawl away from this one. Fuck it, this is too high, I’m deader then shit if this muthafucker falls out’a the fuckin sky.

But you know what really fucks with me? It’s that thing planes do as they bank to make a turn; cause it feels like the cocksucker has stopped all forward motion and is sliding backwards. It always reminds me of when I’m in a movie theater and they dim the lights. “Oh my god, everything’s getting dimmer and dimmer. Am I fuckin dying”? No……..it’s just muthafucker’s turning down the lights. You know? Just one of those odd feelings I don’t really dig.




Now from the “shit so stupid we can’t think of what department to put it into too” department………

comes a story of a poor dumb stupid ignorant kinky bastard who set up a meeting with this chick he’d met in a rough sex chat room? Apparently our poster boy for the stupid had set it up with this chick that was into rape fantasies to have a personal one on one meet & greet. But with all things being as they are and Murphy’s Law just waiting to fuck things up, Mr. El-Dumbass drove up to the house and climbed thru the bedroom window to have his sexual tryst with the chat room chick.

Once in, Mr. Smooth proceeded to act out his rape fantasy part but was surprised when the chick started kicking his nuts clear to his asshole. “Goddammit Sue, stop kicking me in the balls!! I thought this was what we agreed to in the chat room”!! “Muthafucker my name ain’t Sue and I don’t even own a fuckin computer”!!!

Ooops, looks like ole Johnny Appleseed climbed into the wrong window. It goes without saying that El-Guapo will be doing a little jail time over that little boo boo. And let this be a lesson for all you kids out there. When you meet a chick over the Internet who tells you that yes, I want you to rip all my clothes off and have rough unprotected sex with me. And you climb thru the window with pantyhose over your head and your cock in your hand? Please make goddamn sure you wrote down the right address.
















And last but not least from the “Lassie…Lassie…”department……..

comes a story that touched even my jaded heart. This muthafucker up in Toronto turned himself in to the first cop he could because Sparks the dog told him too. According to my many inside sources, this unlit bulb muthafucker was riding around getting ready to kill as many people as he could. In his car was a 12-gauge shotgun, a bolt action rifle with a telescopic lens, a 9-mm semiautomatic, a machete, throwing knifes, camouflage ski mask, black leather gloves, and 6,296 fuckin rounds of ammunition.

Damn, I guess after he ran out of bullets and shit he planned on Davy Crocketing muthafucker’s to death. But as he was sitting next to his car in a park loading up and wondering who to kill first, this stray dog came by and started playing with the crazed cocksucker. Who was a huge dog lover and figured out that if such a nice doggy lived in the area, then the people who lived there were too nice to kill and shit? So the bug-tit crazy bastard turned himself in to the first cop he could find. My many inside sources tell me the cops gave the dog a bone as an award.






"and the monkey flipped the switch"

long play version







There’s too much odd shit in the news that’s too good to pass up, so I’m doing a very special extended version of “sweatin the small stuff”. Plus the many inside sources are busy sponging all my fuckin leftovers and burning up my DVD player so I need to put their lazy asses to work.

From the “so does the carpet match the drapes” department………..

It seems that several women enrolled at a Florida law school are well on their way to enjoying careers in law. According to my many inside sources, it looks like a slew of the little whores have gotten themselves into a peck of trouble due to painting themselves black, wearing cornrows and fake gold teeth and parading around town and shit dressed as black basketball players. Yeah the stupid little cum flickers who are all members of the school softball team decided it would be fun if they dressed up for Halloween as Black basketball players.

Some players even wore the blackface costumes to a contest at a local bar, according to my many inside sources though it’s not clear if they won anything or not. Someone narked the little bitches out and the blackface photos some how ended up on an unnamed web site and have since outraged civil rights activists at the Southern Poverty Law Center in Alabama who have seen them. And of course you know what this means, Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton’s gonna get involved along with the ghost of Johnny Cochran.

The basketball players who gave the girls their jerseys knew that the girls were gonna dress up as players but weren’t aware of the extent to which they planned to carry the joke. And of course after intense grilling the girls all admit they weren’t aware of the history of blackface and how it pertains to black people and didn’t think they were doing anything offensive. And of course I see this as another example of fuckin kids not learning some shit and the issues of the past getting all forgotten and shit.

As punishment the women who wore the blackface costumes are required to read a book written by Tim Wise called "White like me," write a reflection paper and have conversations with the school's diversity council. Plus they have two choices, one of which is getting buck assed nekked and covered with warm baby oil and thrown to the black lesbians. Or getting back into costume and being thrown into the meeting room of the local Marcus Garvey society.





From the “kids, go move your mother’s car out of the drive, and don’t forget your breathing techniques” department…………

Comes Grandmaster Tu Jin-Sheng, best known for his Iron Crotch kung-fu, attached himself not once, but twice, to a rented moving truck and pulled it several yards across a parking lot on Tuesday. The fifty-year-old kung-fu grandmaster tied a strip of blue fabric around the base of his cock and balls and after tugging to make sure it was on tight an assistant kicked him hard between the legs before he lashed himself to the vehicle. He groaned, grunted then, slowly, the truck began to roll forward.

About twenty people, most of whom study Qigong, the ancient Chinese art of movement and breathing to increase energy, gathered for the truck pull in an unassuming office park. Jin-Sheng, the grandmaster of Iron Crotch, a branch of Qigong also known as 99 Qigong, is said to have 60,000 followers worldwide. Its practitioners are known to lift hundreds of pounds with their genitals to increase energy and sexual performance. One of Jin-Shengs most famous students, a 70-year-old man in Taiwan, is said to have lifted more than 660 pounds with his penis.

The grandmaster’s performance drew a hearty applause from the sparse crowd. He wrapped a piece of fabric around his waist to conceal his junk from the crowd, but in the heat of the second truck pull, when he tied the cloth around his balls only, it was pushed aside to reveal a nutsac that looked ready to burst. Jin-Sheng wiped the sweat from his brow after the show and said through an interpreter that he felt comfortable and warm. When asked if he was in any pain, he only laughed and said “if it’s painful then you will see it bleed”. No one dared ask why his lips kept moving after he had stopped talking.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Thursday, November 24

blast from the past......tie my knot




I get off work on Thursday and head to the bus stop. Standing at the stop is this cat that by every indication is mentally handicapped in some sort of manner. He walks up to me and after getting closer then I normally like he asks me in this nasal monotone what time will the bus show up. I tell the cat it should be in a few minutes and he informs me that it was seven and a half minutes late. And here’s how the rest of the conversation went.
Me, “buses run late sometime”.
Him, “why”?
Me, “maybe the traffic held it up”.
Him, “why”?
Me, “its rush hour and all that”.
Him, “why”?
Me, “things happen like that”.
Him, “why”?
Him, “tie my knot”.
Me, “what”?
Him, “tie my knot”
Me, “what”?
Him, “tie my knot”.
Me, “what knot”?
Him, “on my coat”.
Me, “why”?
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Me, “ok”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot tight”.
Me, “I’m trying”.
Him, “can’t you tie a knot”?
Me, “its kind of hard from this side”.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “tie my knot”
As I tied his fucking knot the shitting bus pulled up and as I look up from the knot to the bus I see everybody on the bus staring at me, cause there I am bent over in front of this cat fumbling with the drawstring on his coat, which is near his waist.
Him, “tie my knot”.
Him, “is that my bus”?
Me, “yeah”.
Him, “thank you”.

I can’t make this kind of shit up.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Wednesday, November 23

cock smoker


There’s this cat I’ve been watching that rides the same bus I do in the mornings. He’s this used up looking white guy who looks to be in his late thirty’s. The first time I saw em he had this huge bandage over his throat like maybe he’d had some sort of surgery and I thought it was odd that he was smoking. I watched as he stepped up to the bus and started doing this crazy power-puffing thing with his cigarette. You know, taking four or five super deep pulls off the smoke. Then after he got on and sat down the first thing he did was pull out another smoke and start puffing on it unlit. Damn, now that’s a serious tobacco jones’ing muthafucker, he reminded me of this cat I knew back in the day.

This was when I was just out’a school and found a gig selling Rexair Rainbow vacuum cleaners door to door, which is story I’ll have to tell one of these days. But there was this salesman that worked there that had a serious nicotine fetish. I’d watch em smoke one down and then use it to light a fresh one, and so on and so on. He had to average at least six packs a day, plus he was one of these real twitchy muthafucker’s that just grated on my nerves.

One day he was hanging around my desk talking shit to the point that I got so fed up that I took his smokes from him and told em to step the fuck off. The twitchy bastard freaked so hard cause I took his smokes that he ran out of the fucking building. He came back in a few minutes and told me to give him his smokes back, again I told him to fuck off. His reply was to pull a gun on me. “Where you get that, you’re gonna shoot me over a pack of smokes”?

He actually started crying, screaming “give em to me, give em to me, or I’ll put a hole in your ass”! “Well damn, if they mean that much to you, here, take the fuckin things”. Just went to show that twitchy muthafucker’s don’t need to be selling vacuum cleaners door to door and shit. Anyway, the cat on the bus reminded me of em, he got on the bus this morning after sucking one down to the butt, then sat down across from me. Not only did he slap a fresh one in his mouth but pulled a can of beer out’s his pocket along with a handful of pills, which he then proceeded to down along with the beer. All I could think of was that someone’s gonna have an interesting day.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Tuesday, November 22

Here are a few of the things that bother me. (not in any order of importance)




1. People that insist on spitting in public bother me.
2. Mumblers, I can’t stand people who mumble, I’ll just walk away. Stupid mush mouthed fuck.
3. Stupid people. I’ll work with a dumb person all day cause dumb is just dumb. But I’ll snatch up a stupid muthafucker and put my foot in their ass.
4. Bullies really bug the fuck out’a me, instead on picking on people who can’t hold their own bring your ass over here and fuck with me.
5. Racism really fucks with me, it’s 2005 for fucks sake, get over it.
6. The same goes for Black folk who think everybody owes em a life, get over it.
7. Pious people can fuck off.
8. Uppity people can fuck off.
9. Snobs can go fuck off.
10. Pushy people can fuck off.
11. Power walkers.
12. The color pink when used inappropriately.
13. All the new fangled colors, it’s either red, dark red or light red. Not mauve or some such shit.
14. People in the fuckin fast food industry who act like it’s my fault they’re there. Bitch just bring me my burger and shut the fuck up.
15. Wait staff that waits till you have a mouthful of food before they ask you if everything’s ok.
16. Wait staff that makes that face when you mispronounce an item on the menu.
17. Jews for Jesus, I’ll never figure that one out.
18. Pedophiles need to be torn apart like flies.
19. Women who think they’re all that can dry hump my dog. If I had a dog and if I did I’d have to at least get it on film.
20. Men who think they’re all that usually suffer from the shy dick syndrome.
21. People who assume.
22. People who think they really know me.
23. Insanely happy people make me angry.
24. Angry people who are angry for no reason.
25. Jogger’s who sneer at me as they run past cause I don’t fit their idea of health. Fuck you.
26. That odd breed of person who insists on living life like it’s a fuckin Brady Bunch sitcom.
27. Poser’s suck.
28. Gold teeth suck.
29. Silver teeth suck.
30. Bad tattoo’s suck.
31. Comb-over’s suck.
32. Women with hairy legs suck. (no jokes please)
33. People who stink without reason. You know what I mean.
34. People who hum upset me.
35. Women that high five. I rather see a chick pick up coins with her twat then do a high five.
36. High fives.
37. Men who act like pussies use to bother me, but since there’s so many I won’t count it.
38. The word nigger really bother’s me. If there’s one word that could be banished forever, it’ll have to be that one, followed closely by #40.
39. African American, I’m a Black man, thank you very much.
40. The term wigger, what the fuck is that?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Monday, November 21

animal crackers



I just got through reading a series of articles on the web put out by a couple of animal rights groups. The articles detail their ongoing war against corporations that they accuse of doing animal research. Not only do they go up against the mega corporations who use animals for experimentation but they go after anyone who remotely deals with said companies. I might be going out on a limb here and opening up myself to unneeded bullshit, but here’s what I think on the whole deal.

Animal activist share the same thing in common with abortion protesters. They can’t see the fuckin forest for the fuckin trees. They don’t understand that if sticking a sharp stick up Lassie’s ass will help find a cure for my friend’s cancer, I’m all about saying excuse me, let me getting my footing here and tap that muthafucker up there just a wee bit farther, thank you very much.

They don’t understand that if calculating the load impact of a #32 Louisville Slugger against the rear brain pan of your typical white mouse, affectionately called Mr. Whiskers, will accelerate the cure for Aids by years? I’m tossing the first one across the plate.

They don’t understand that if someone hands me a gerbil and a roll of duct tape and looks me in the eye and says; “by doing this, you can cure Jerry’s Kids”? I’m blowing the gerbil’s O-ring my goddamn self. Now these are all clearly exaggerations, even the last one, but I’m just saying that if out of viable animal research comes cures for some of mankind’s greatest killer’s, I’m not against it.

And I’m all for the plight of pigs in Africa not finding enough muddy water to fuckin wallow in, or using animal research just to make some chick’s twitter smell better. I can tell the difference, but some of your more adverse activist can’t or won’t. And you can’t tell me there’s not an animal activist out there who won’t slap the furry cat crap out’a Mr. Bluejeans after he pees through a freshly laundered stack of shirts. Yeah, I’m just saying.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Sunday, November 20

blast from the past.....camel toe




So the other day instead of going into the office, I headed to the west bottoms to one of the Man’s warehouses. I was driving thru the bottoms, and as some of you that live around here can attest too, it ain’t what you call the trendiest area to be hanging out in. So like there I am sitting at this red light waiting on traffic to move cause shit was being slowed down by this hooker working the red light.

Now I’m not a discerning man, but as I looked at this hooker all I could think was who or what would want to fuck this chick or much less pay for it? Now I’m a firm believer that every woman has the ability to be attractive, the ability to use her femininity in her favor, the ability to attract the opposite sex. But as I looked at this chick all that came to my mind was “why”?

And let me be truthful, there’s been times when all I needed was a body, if she was sitting at room temperature that was all the better. Dare say I’ve been with a few women that’ll make a normal man think twice? But that’s not what’s important now. I wouldn’t (and I can’t believe I’m gonna say this) touch this chick with your tongue.

Remember the cafeteria lady that served you lunch when you were a kid? Short, with a frame like a mule, and had the obligatory hairy mole on her upper lip? Well, take that chick and stick her ass into some spandex shorts and a halter top stuffed full of grandma tittles, got that mental picture? Now picture that picture walking up to your car at seven-thirty in the fuckin AM asking your ass if you want a date. My dick retracted so quick it was turtleling out’a my asshole. Word.

My god, if for nothing else the huge camel toe squished up against my window staring at me would’a been enough, but as I pulled “quickly” away I just knew that somebody was gonna slip her a ten spot and do the deed. And to make it worse, you muthafucker’s gots to know that the stinkin river was only a few hundred feet away and that they were gonna fuck on the stinkin river bank? I’m just saying is all.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Friday, November 18

sweatin the small stuff



From the “who gives a fuck, no really, I’m serious, who gives a fuck” department…….

comes a story straight out of the pot capital of the world, Amsterdam, where the Dutch animal protection agency or DAPA demanded prosecution Tuesday for the shooting of a sparrow. The common house sparrow which just happened to be one of a species on the national endangered list was chased into a corner and shot by an exterminator with an air rifle. Ok, a quick aside here, if your ass is on somebody’s endangered species list, wouldn’t you want to be called something other then common? How about the rare house sparrow or the elite house sparrow or even the very special house sparrow? Anything but common don’t you think?

Anyway….according to my many inside sources, some of who have spent some serious stupid time in Amsterdam said that under Dutch law, you need a permit to kill this kind of bird, and a permit can only be granted when there's a danger to public health or a crop. The uptight folks at DAPA are pissed because they’re saying this wasn’t the case and that there was no reason for the sparrow to be shot. But as my ole pal Paul Harvey always say’s “now the rest of the story”.

According to my many inside sources the stupid bird flew into an exposition center Monday in the northern city of Leeuwarden, where employees of a Dutch TV company had just finished setting up more than four million dominoes in an attempt to break the official Guinness World Record for falling dominoes. These cats along with more than a hundred people from twelve countries had worked for more than a month setting them up.

Everybody was hanging out chilling admiring their hard work and waiting for the go signal to try to break the world record when this stupid bird flew in thru an open window and started freaking out. That bird was flying around and shit and ended up knocking over almost twenty-five thousand fuckin dominoes. Goddamn, do you have any idea how much hard backbreaking work that had to be setting up four goddamn million dominoes only to have some bird fly in and start knocking em over.

I would’a shot the muthafucker too, hell it could have been the last fuckin bald eagle and I would have at least swung at it. Can you imagine all those people from twelve different nations freaking out at the same time, all screaming
“detente my fuckin ass, get that muthafucker”
in twelve different languages? If I had spent a month bending my fat ass over setting up thousands and thousands of dominoes, I would have gone all Rambo and shit and bazookaed that cocksucker right out of the fuckin air. Captured it or sedated it my ass, that muthafucker needed to die.










And lastly from the “Al Sharpton” department……………

comes a story of how a song about people picking cotton was pulled from a middle school concert in suburban Detroit after a black parent complained that it glorifies slavery. The school superintendent decided Monday to remove the song "Pick a Bale of Cotton" from the program after a black parent complained to school officials and then decided to pull his eleven-year-old daughter from singing when he was dissatisfied with their response. He told The Detroit News "It's mind-boggling that people don't understand sensitive issues like that and shit".

The teacher in charge of the program said that when the song was picked for Wednesday's folk songs concert at Anderson Middle School, there was no intent to offend anyone. "Why we used to sing that song when I was in school during the '50s," she said.
"It's like a Southern type of folk song. I remember it being perky. It was more of a song that people just sang for fun."
The daughter of the black parent, a feisty little burr headed pickaninny by the name of China was heard to say
“they were bringing back the memories of how African-Americans picked cotton, and it wasn't a good memory. It was disrespectful to African-Americans. And by the way didn’t they use to hang niggers for fun?"

Now according to my many inside sources, in all fairness a list of songs were submitted to the black parents to see if any more were derogatory to blacks. After a heated debate the parents also turned down, “Alabama porch monkey, rock me to sleep”, “ole black Joe”, “Inky dinky do”, “Swing low, sweet chariot”, and to be on the safe side they also nixed the jazz band’s version of “Harlem Nocturne”.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Thursday, November 17

cool mom










I was gonna talk today about the “Cool Mom” who got busted for fucking the high school football team. And how I thought that the thirty year sentence the judge hit her with was really harsh and over the top considering that some murderers don’t get half that much. Plus wasn’t that the dream of any red blooded cat in high school, to fuck the hot MILF mom or teacher? I know when I was in school that was all we were about. We worked the hot teacher or the sexy mom on the block like a pack of horny puppies.

Shit, the old man would look out wondering why he couldn’t get us to do our own yard work but the hot mom on the block had us sweating in her yard like we was on a plantation and shit. And double standards aside, I didn’t see the big deal about some older chick on the block serving a few beers to the boys and talking a few into bumping uglies with her cause she’s lonely. I mean every young man needs a Mrs. Robinson in their lives don’t they, and you certainly don’t giver her thirty years in the slammer for fucking strapping young lads fifteen to seventeen years old.

But after having a sit-down with my many inside sources some things have come to light and I’ve had a change of heart about the “Cool Mom”. This bitch is nothing more then an old school whore who instead of living out of the back of some trailer near the dump peddling her crack and stinkin assed pussy, lives in a nice suburban neighborhood.

The reason the court threw the book at her so hard was not necessarily that she fucked high school students. But because she betrayed a trust, for supplying kids drugs like meth and getting em drunk, for being a nasty selfish dirty snatch who ruined the lives of a bunch of kids. Granted a bunch of stupid kids who should’a known better but whom in the long run still got fucked over. Some dropped out of school, some are hooked on meth, some are lost to their families forever.

All because of this stupid selfish bitch who lacked the self respect and care to understand that she as a parent had a trust to fulfill. She even gave her own high school age daughter meth to do. And believe me I’m neither a parent nor a fan of the little narcisstic self fisters that populate our high schools, but a kids natural instinct is to trust adults, especially another parent. And for someone in that position to betray that trust to such an extent needs locking up. Fuck this bitch; let her eat prison pussy for the next thirty years.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

deep thought







From the "what does the government and a bag of pee have in common" department.....

comes the best deep thought of the day care of Nightmare
"We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration"

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Tuesday, November 15

conspiracy theory


The other day I ran into Chicken Little. Chicken Little is this cat that ever since discovering who I work for thinks I’m his personal pipeline to every fucked up nut job conspiracy theory out there and he always thinks the sky is falling. He’ll walk up serious as a muthafucker and go; “Greg, I was reading the other day, or some guy told me the other day that all the hurricanes were man made. What’s the word around your organization on all that, are there concerns?

I’m telling you the shit would actually be funny if it wasn’t for the fact that the guy is so fucking earnest. But I dare not crack a smile or fuck with the cat cause who knows what might set his ass off. Be it blinking street lights or the dog barking or the shape of his breakfast muffin, but goddammit it’s not gonna be me. But this time when I saw him I just couldn’t play Dean Martin to his Jerry Lewis any more.

He walks up and asks me if I was aware of the oil crisis and that all oil in the earth would be depleted by 2012? And that earthquakes worldwide are on the increase due to the fact that the earth is sucking in on it’s self because all the empty holes in the earth that used to be filled with oil are beginning to cave in because they’re empty. Then he asked me what the word around the office is and are we having meetings about it.

Before I could finish my sentence of “tha fuck”, he got this panicked look on his face. “Plastics are made from oil….ohmygod, plastic is everywhere….what are we gonna do when all the plastics are gone?” After all that, all I could do was walk away, but I’m working on my own conspiracy theory to lay on him that’ll send his ass over the edge. Let me know what you all think.

Do you want to know the truth about hippies? For 30 years, the Department of Justice has been suppressing information from you about hippies and thus endangering the welfare of all Americans. In June 1968, Ronald Reagan met with June Allison in Kansas City to discuss war. As it happens, they engaged in sex and ended up hatching a plan involving poisoning all the damned dirty hippies that used to hang out in Volker Park.

As a result, all details of the meeting were suppressed, as was information about dealings with PETA and their ties to drugs. A report in the Kansas City Star was mysteriously pulled from news stands in December of last year. The article implicated high-ranking officials in PETA, various policemen, and, perhaps not surprisingly, Ronald Reagan. According to the report, passages in the movie "Dr. Strangelove" and lyrics in Jethro Tull’s music point to a connection between these individuals and hippies.

According to a spokesman at the Kansas City Star, the issue was pulled because of printing errors. However, individuals who saw the original copies say that there were no printing irregularities and that the re-issue differed from the original only in the absence of this article. The lies and deception must be stopped. Don't let the government hide the facts about hippies any longer. Learn the truth!



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Monday, November 14

damn, I do ramble on don't I?



I was checking out the site “ClubLife” this morning. Rob the cat that pens it moonlights as a bouncer in New York and is quite the articulate muthafucker. He’s a favorite of mine as well as more then a few people I know. And something he wrote about this morning brought to mind this show I watched the other night. I guess it’s on every Saturday night and it’s the Ultimate Fighting Championship, or UFC.

I don’t know much about it except that I’ve run into cats over the years that are into that kind of fighting. To me it looks like free form shit where everything goes, even though I know there must be rules and things like that. You know, no kicking in the balls or eye gouging or wet willies and shit of that ilk. Plus I knew this cat that used to bounce at the Cane who’s ranked pretty high in that type of fighting. Not a big or imposing cat but one who always gave off the impression that he could walk the walk.

I actually went and saw him fight in the ring one night and after I got back to the club I told everybody that the only way to stop this cat was either shoot em, or just keep running. That night in the ring I saw him go up against this cat that had eight inches and at least a hundred pounds on him. The bell rung and the big cat stepped on my boy’s foot and broke his ankle. You’d think that my friend would call the fight right? Shit, that little muthafucker went the entire three rounds and fought the bigger cat to a draw, all with a broken ankle.

So like I was saying, my knowledge of the UFC is limited to people I’ve met over the years and watching my friend fight. But watching it on the TV in a bar full of people was interesting. There were the arm chair fighters second guessing the fighter’s every move. And there were the so called tough guys talking bout what they would do if they were in the ring. Whatever.

I look at shit like that with a markedly different prospective which I think comes from twenty years of bouncing in bars. I’ve never been a fan of fighting, UFC, boxing or any of that. I guess because I know what it takes to knock another man out, and no matter how you look at it, to me it’s not cool. Now don’t misunderstand me, I don’t like it but I can sure as hell understand it. I didn’t bounce all those years and not come away understanding the urge to go toe to toe just to see who ended up still standing.

But then again I never called myself a tough guy, maybe tough by default. I was too fat to run and too big to hide plus I despise bullies of any sort. So I had to learn to stand my ground. But tough guy I wasn’t. Anyway, after watching these guy’s fight, I wasn’t altogether impressed by how tough they were. I was really impressed by what it took for them to get to where they were if that makes any sense.

UFC fighting is going full tilt for three five minute rounds and that impressed the fuck out’a me. Some cat sitting at the bar called em pussies for grappling on the ground and I explained to the little cocksocket how to me that was the hardest part of the fight. Ask any cop or amateur wrestler how difficult it is trying to subdue some cat fighting your every move. That kind of shit will break your heart quicker then anything out there. And that’s what I found most impressive, the back story, training and the heart to keep going for that long.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

stupid VH-1


I was just watching VH-1’s “most outrageous celebrity freakouts”, and they brought up Richard Simmons. They were talking about how Richard slapped some cat at the airport, and of course they were all one-sided about it and shit. They were all about making Simmons into some crazed freak that went off on some innocent bystander over some imagined slight. Well even though I’m not a fan of Simmons, I despise the has-beens that VH-1 features on all their shows like that even more. So I dug thru my archives back to where I first wrote about the incident to set the record straight.
So from the archives………….

And remember some time ago I mentioned bout how our boy Richard Simmons bitched slapped this ultimate fighter cat who tried to dis em at the airport and shit?

Phoenix police cited fitness guru Richard Simmons on suspicion of assault Wednesday night after he reportedly slapped an ultimate cage fighter across the face inside a Sky Harbor International Airport terminal. Simmons, the outlandish 55-year-old known for his raucous exercise videos and boisterous personality, slapped the 6-foot-2, 250-pound athlete after the man reportedly made a derogatory remark about Simmons.

Well it seems that the big pussie decided to drop all charges against Richard. No one is saying why, but I imagine it’s most likely because the cage fighter cat is tired of his new ring introduction.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! STANDING AN AWE INSPIRING 6-FOOT-2, WEIGHING IN AT 25O POUNDS! KILLER CHRIS FARNEY! Who cough cough just got fag punched and cough had his ass handed to em by cough cough Richard Simmons"


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Sunday, November 13

my weekend in four hundred & thirty words or less


Friday

• Woke up early and after checking the Internet decided to go see the movie “Doom” which was playing at 10:30AM in Olathe, Kansas. Drove clear out there only to find that the fuckin theater was fuckin closed. The stinkin Internet lied! Until that moment I actually believed everything I read on the Internet. How could I be so goddamned naive?

• Oh and I forgot to add that I actually came close to dying during the drive out there. I’m tooling along doing the speed limit wondering to myself as I always do, “what are all these muthafuckers doing out at this time of the morning? Don’t any of these bitches have jobs”? Only to see a twelve foot ladder appear in the highway in front of me? I swerved around it narrowly missing all the traffic, and as I looked in my rearview mirror I could see this slack jawed asshole running into traffic to grab it. Never did see if he made it or not.

• After all that I figured I needed a cold refreshing ice coffee from the Broadway Café. So I get my ice coffee and after grabbing a table in the back I sat there thinking as I always do, “why do some gay chicks make themselves look so hard whilst some gay men do the exact opposite?”

• Later that evening I went to the Hurricane to see what was happening. I walk in and the bar is full of people. And as I’m sitting there enjoying my ice coffee this black chick at the bar asked if she could come over and punch me as hard as she could. Now a request like this can be a chancy thing since I could see that the big bitch had been drinking. And also I wasn't sure if this as some new type of hipster pickup line.

So after thinking it over I asked her had she actually hit anyone today. She replied that earlier in the day she had hit some cat in the mouth so hard that he bled. I then informed her that she had filled her quota for the day and that it would be unwise for her to exceed her limits. Never did figure out what the fuck that was all about.

• I then got to talking to Gooch the manager/father of “National Fire Theory”. After a few Beams & Cokes, a couple of Yeager shots, what seemed like half a dozen shots of Chivas Regal supplied by Gooch, I felt the need to leave?

Saturday

• Didn’t do shit, that whole day was kind of fuzzy.

Sunday

• I finished caulking my windows, then I didn’t do shit.




"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Friday, November 11

sweatin the small stuff


From the “what makes my brown balls blue” department…………

comes a story of where scientists have discovered fossils of the world's oldest genitals belonging to 400 million-year-old insects in ancient rocks in Scotland”. "The discovery of the world's oldest genitals proves that little has changed over the last 400 million years”.

Ok, this is killing me here, what kind of freak giant muthafuckin bug do you have to be that your ass leaves a dick-print in stone, and more important? What kind of muthafucker finds this shit and goes, “hey guys, look here. When you hold this fossilized piece of quartz up to the light like this, it looks like the fuckin bug has a cock doesn’t it”?
“Jesus Ralph, my kids cock ain’t that fuckin big! Hey Sue, come over her and take a look? Didn’t you fuck this guy back in collage”?

Yeah, when it comes time to speak up in class and tell what your parents do to support your stupid ass, little Timmy must be so fuckin proud.

“What! Speak up Timmy, the class can’t hear you”. “My, my, my daddies an arachnid-cockologist, he studies the cocks of certain insects”.





And from the “ooh! I got a special e-mail” department…………

comes a true tale that I want to share with you all concerning one of these Nigerian scam e-mails that showed up in my box. I put in order with the first mail, my reply, and a surprise answer. It’s kind’a long but the ending is worth it.

Subject: Urgent Help Needed.

Dear Confidant,

Suddenly you got this mail and may be wondering who must have mailed. I am Rev. Pastor Samuel Francis, the Principal Pastor In charge of Redemption Camp and Grace Mission Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire.

We have in our camp two war displaced children of the Late William Keita a famous cocoa merchant who was killed at Bouaké along with the wife by the rebelling factions that are still at the moment in Control of the northern zone of the Country. The two Children were lucky to have escaped the war torn zone and are today in our Mission's house in Abidjan the economic capital of the country were they are seeking refuge.

We have in our possession two documents presented by them attesting that their late father deposited a metallic box containingUS$10,000,000:00(Ten Million United State Dollars) with a Security Company here in Abidjan which he declared to the Security Company to be photographic Materials meant for his un-named Foreign Partner for the purchase of Agro-Industrial Equipments. We have in our capacity verified this claim and the Security Company attested to its authenticity.


These children are now seeking for a foreigner who can be their “Guardian” and also represent them as their Father's Foreign Partner by assisting in the withdrawal of the box and also providing a Foreign Account where this fund could be lodged for onward investment as would be advised by you.

Your assistance to these hapless children would be in no small measure a blessing to you which you will never regret at the end of this transaction, as you must have succeeded in saving their future that is being threatened by the mal-adventures in the political environment of the country.

You can reply to this call for assistance if God touches you through the Mission's email box.
Remain Blessed.

Rev. Pastor Samuel Francis



............my answer.......



Dear Pastor Samuel Francis

Being a student of Satan "hail Satan" I don't usually commune with your ilk, but being the lover of small children that I am, I feel the urge to help. And since my unholy lord "hail Satan" loves the little wee bitches also, "hail Satan" my brood and I will do what we can. But in return for his help "hail Satan" my dark master "hail Satan" will require both the children's souls. My master "hail Satan" eagerly awaits your reply.

Much love and all that good shit.
Death
Hail Satan


….check this shit, I actually received an answer from the muthafucker

Greg Beck,

Am sorry, you are not the best for this transaction, I as A Man of God cannot handle the soul of this children to you and your master Satan okay, we are sorry to have came to you. I will let these day to bear me witness that you heard about the One and only God who can save. Do not think that He(God) can not forgive you, He will if you come back to him God LOVES you okay. May the Good Lord have mercy on your soul today and bring you back to His Kingdom Life.

Bye Bye, while we wait for your trip back to the God that made you.

From today I will always pray for your change.

Yours Brother in the LORD GOD.

Pastor Samuel Francis




"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Thursday, November 10

frustrated




I ain’t saying shit, but this describes my whole evening last night. And that’s all I have to say about that.

From Death’s Door Unabridged Dictionary; "Cockblocking” “cock-block-in" The art of stepping between two consenting parties and covertly blocking the sexual advances of one or more of the parties.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Tuesday, November 8

chill pill



So I’m reading in the news where this Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Ugueth Urbina was arrested on charges of attempted murder. It seems that last month this cat and some of his boys allegedly attacked several employees at his family home in Venezuela using machetes and then tried to kill the muthafuckers by pouring gasoline on em and setting their asses on fire.

The pitcher is saying that he didn’t have nothing to do with anything but one of the workers is saying that he was with the cats who came after em with machetes and gas and shit. After reading this story I can’t help but think that maybe we’re paying sport stars too much fuckin money. I mean when you’re so fuckin rich that you reach the point where you go all tyrannical ruler on a muthafucker might mean it’s time to back it down a notch. And of course I wasn’t there but I could see it going down like this.
“Hey Pedro, how come you no trim the hedges like I tell you? And where’s Manual, I thought I instruct him to cut the yard from left to right, not fuckin front to back”! “Chingate little chilito muthafuckers, what I say next time this happens, yeah I’m hacking some shit off and setting you bitches on fire!”
It’s like jesus fuckin christ, chill out a bit. It’s only a yard.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"

so sad


You guy’s have seen the commercial for salad dressing where the cat is sitting at a table eating salad and the dressing makes him think of home and family, right? The person’s sitting all alone in this room which but for a table is empty and it’s dark and outside you can see that it’s cold and raining.

As he’s eating his salad he envisions being at home with all his family members who join him at the table for dinner. But who then disappear just as quickly as they popped up. You’ve all seen the commercial haven’t you? So, riddle me this, isn’t that some of the saddest shit you’ve ever fuckin seen outside of a goddamned soap opera?

What the fuck do these muthafucker’s think they’re selling here? Cocksucking salad dressing or my fuckin life is so fucked up that when I’m eating salad which is all my broke ass can afford, and that money comes from selling blowjobs in the ally. And I’m sitting all alone in the dark in my empty cold hovel shoveling greens down my throat which is still raw from sucking all that cock, I miss my family back home so much my starving burnt throat from sucking cock ass, starts to hallucinate so bad from hunger that I begin so see my family in the room having dinner with me.

It’s cold and dark and raining outside and how sad is this shit. Somewhere someone’s coughing down a fuckin bullet cause watching the same commercial just sent their ass over the edge and they just killed themselves. All because some stinking hipster in an ad agency thought this would be a clever way to sell salad dressing.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Monday, November 7

from the archives.......can you calculate pie? I like apple?




The other day ya’ll might remember me mentioning that I qualified for membership in the “International High IQ Society”. My so-called IQ was clocked somewhere in the gifted range. And just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke I took another one of their tests, and I scored even higher. It’s no big fuckin deal except in the fact that it’s a big deal to me. Cause if the truth be known, I doubt if any of you muthafucker’s give a flying shit or not how fuckin smart I think I am.

But I’m digging it because I’ve always considered myself self taught and it’s always cool to know that you’re somewhat smarter then the average bear. Plus since my looks fall somewhere between uglier than a muthafucker and what the crapping end of an orangutan’s ass looks like, my mind is sometimes all I have. Along with a sparkling personality, let’s not forget that.

Any fuckin way, I was on the Society’s website and I got to looking thru some of the back issues of their monthly newsletter. All of the members are invited to contribute and I ran across a letter from this one member. She was bitching about the lack of moral support among the mental elitists. (her words not mine) she was bemoaning the fact that there are no hot social clubs or events that cater to those of her ilk. She also despised the fact that most of society tended to snub those of known higher intellect whenever the opportunity presented it’s self.

Now I found this very amusing for if nothing else it’s a given that the smarter a person gets the more degraded their amusements tend to become. Fuck, that doesn’t say shit for me. I dig rock and Buffy and the big ole tittles, seems pretty base to me. Oh, that was another of her choice words, “base”, as in lower earthy things. I hope these muthafucker’s have a function near as to where I can attend. I’ll run thru em like hot coffee thru a colon. Not a damn thing wrong with being smart. It’s sexy, it’ll save your life, and you’ll know which end of the fuckin apple to eat first. But just don’t let it go to your head.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Saturday, November 5

blast from the past.....it's all about ass



I got up early Saturday and went to Exile Tattoo to see Chris about getting some work. I was interested in getting my right shoulder done but I wanted to confer with the boy’s first. You know what I find cool? It’s amazing the shit guy’s will talk about when there’s no woman around. We spent the best part of an hour talking about the virtues of toilet paper and bowl movements. Funny huh?

You’d think a bunch of tough looking tattooed cats sitting around a tattoo shop would talk about women or shit like that, but not us, we had our priorities. After much debate and spirited conversation we all agreed that Charmin Toilet paper is the brand we all like. Danny, the cat that owns the shop informed us that when he lived in Russia, toilet paper was at a premium and was so hard to get that most folks used newspaper. He still finds it amazing that an entire industry exist dedicated to the manufacture and marketing of toilet paper.

It’s probably a sure bet that if I was to walk into Danny’s house I’d find Charmin Toilet paper stockpiled like crazy. And don’t ask me why but this story reminded me of an incident that happened to me one night. I was at the Hurricane and some friends of mine came in and we decided to sit at a table in the corner.

I grabbed the table by the edges to move it out from the wall to make room for everyone. And as I pulled, the entire top of the table came off in my hands, how fuckin embarrassing. There I am in the middle of a crowded bar holding the upper half of a table in my hands looking like a fool. All I could do was try to put it back together and act like nothing happened.

But then to cap off a retard night I was later standing up to make a point in the conversation when I leaned on the fuckin table. The loose top came up and I fell off balance into a clump on the floor. As I came too I reached out to grab what I thought was a bar stool to pull myself up. Much to my horror what I thought was a bar stool turned out to be the ass of the women at the next table.

Yup, I full on had my hands firmly gripped around this strange women’s ass. She was pretty cool considering that she had this huge black man holding on to both her ass cheeks. I stammered out my apologies and sat my ass back down. My friends were looking at me like what the fuck? I ended up sending the women whose ass I grabbed a round of drinks but not before telling her how impressed I was with the firmness of it. Always working it, you know?


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Thursday, November 3

sweatin the small stuff


From the “when the fuck did hell freeze over and a rapper make sense” department………..


comes the story of Rapper 50 Cent lashing out at fellow hip-hop star Kanye West for accusing US President George Bush of racism in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. You all remember when Kanye West said that George Bush doesn’t care about black people don’t you?

Well in a rare stroke of coherent intelligence 50 Cent believes human intervention could not have prevented the effects of the hurricane, which killed over a thousand people in the US Gulf States in August of this year and sees no point in reprimanding the President for something which was beyond his control.

Ole half a dollar went on to say that he thinks people responded in the best way they could. And he didn’t have any idea on what was up with Kanye West and was quoted as saying;
“it perplexes me to no end as to what possible result Mr. West would achieve lashing out at our country’s fine leadership like that. Why the social economic backlash alone did sufficient enough damage to this fine nation without Mr. West falsely accusing the President of such an gross injustice”


My many inside sources who were present at the interview said that when 50 Cents realized he was being taped live, he suddenly got all thug-life and shit saying;
“yo, my new joint drops in a month, yo check this”. “I'll take you to the candy shop; I'll let you lick the lollipop. Go ahead girl, don't you stop. Keep going til you hit the spot, whoa”





From the “even though you may spread the word of god and be a man of the cloth he can still hate you” department, in conjunction with the ever popular “you know when god hates you” department ……..


comes a story of a pastor performing a baptism who was electrocuted inside his church the other Sunday morning. My many inside sources tell me that the pastor was preparing to perform a baptism and after adjusting a nearby microphone was hit by a surge of electricity and knocked the fuck out. They went on to say that the pastor happened to be standing in at least three feet of water inside the big tub thingy that folks get baptized in.

Apparently pastors at this church routinely use microphones during baptisms so that they can be heard out in the church. But luckily for the rest of em this cat happened to be the only one that pissed god off. The many inside sources tell me that about eight hundred people were in attendance at the church that morning and most were witness to what happened.

At a remembrance attended by about one thousand people this past Sunday night at the church Church, the congregation was told that we don’t know how, when, why, where or what’s going to happen, but we will continue as a church in the community because that is what the pastor would have wanted, and that they would move forward as a church. But from now on you muthafucker’s will have to shut the fuck up during baptism cause we won’t be using the fuckin microphones anymore.





And last but not least from the “if it worked on Al Green it’ll work for me” department………..


comes a story…........you know, before I relate this story I need to mention that I was talking to some of my many inside sources last night and the movie “Fatal Attraction” came up in conversation. One of the younger many inside sources happened to mention that he didn’t think the movie “Fatal Attraction” was all that, and didn’t see the big deal about it.

See, that’s how shit gets fuckin started. I remember after that movie came out back in the day, birth rates around the country just dropped off the goddamned scale. Glenn Close’s character scared muthafucker’s so bad that nobody was fuckin for at least a year after that. And you remember that fucked up frizzy hair she had? Every crazy bitch with a bulging forehead vein went out and got their hair done like that.

I remember being at this party a few months after the movie came out. I’m talking old school decadence up in here, booze, strippers, hot tub, back room goings on and all that good shit. And the front door kicked open and this chick walked in all hardbody, big tits, and short black dress. But every cat in the room averted their eyes, and you know why? She had that Glenn Close haircut and the big throbbing forehead vein.

The woman just looked like she couldn’t wait to fuck you like you owed her money and make you a tasty breakfast of boiled bunny rabbit in the morning and shit. And the poor bastard that did fuck her? He was spotted a few years later married to the crazy bitch and sporting the high water pants and looking like all the life had been sucked out of him.

Anyway back to the story, this couple dated for over a year before shit got all DEFCON 2 and they broke the romance off just before Christmas. The cat quickly found a new main squeeze but his old flame never gave up and kept calling him and calling him until he caved in and started dating her again over a year later. So he’s over the chick’s house one night getting his swerve on when like most men he fell asleep afterwards.

He woke up some time later to a strong burning sensation in the general area of his ball sac and found red and blue nail polish poured in his hair. What happened was that his “girlfriend” had taken superglue and glued his cock to his fuckin stomach. Did you just hear what the fuck I just said, the crazy bitch superglued the cat’s cock to his stomach.

And on top of that heinous shit she hid his car keys and clothes and told his stupid falling asleep ass to get to steppin. And get this, she told him that she’s been planning the cock-gluing since he first broke up with her. After getting his buck assed nekked dick glued to his stomach ass kicked out of the house, he shuffled all stooped over a mile to a local convenience story where he called the cops who took him to a hospital.

The chick was arrested some time later and pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and served six months' probation. The man filed a civil suit a short time later, alleging battery, assault, and intentional infliction of emotional distress. He wants at least thirty-thousand in damages for each of the three counts. Opening arguments are expected today. It’s like my pal Paul Harvey always said. “bitches be getting all hard and shit, plus they never forget a muthafuckin thing. Word”.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Wednesday, November 2

blast from the past......for Tony



Every man has a vision of his perfect women, the one that when he’s all cozy and warm she wiggles into his dreams. She might be short or tall, chunky or thin, it doesn’t matter, in his head she’s perfect, and only he knows why.

Back in the day I knew this cat that played in a metal band. He always had the groupies trying to run him down, so as a result he had his pick of any women he wanted. But he had a secret, he loved the big chicks. He dreamed about the big chicks.

If a woman had an ass so big she could scratch it by reaching over her shoulder, he turned into a drooling freak

I out’ed him out one night when I dropped into this small bar to see some old friends. I walked in and there was Mr. Heavy Metal smacking uglies with this eight ball chick. I know, what’s an eight ball chick? Well, I’ll tell ya. In the metal bars you had women who insisted on wearing black spandex all the time. No big deal, except that these girls were big, so big and round that the spandex never fit right and they always had this big strip of pale white tummy showing. So from a distance they looked like big ole eight balls, get it?

He ended up swearing me to silence. I tried to tell the boy he didn’t need to worry, hell it was his gig not mine. But it was funny hearing him talk about it. It’s like owning a Harley he’d say, but you love riding Mopeds cause they’re too shittin fun. You just don’t want anybody to know about it. What the fuck ever.

Well, I got to meet my wet dream. I was working the bar and watching the crowd one night when thru the door walked the dream. All I could do was suck in a deep breath and stare, damn she was beautiful. She stood just shy of six feet with these huge green eyes, jet black hair that fell to her hips and had to be the most buffed out women I had every seen. And sitting on top of all that was a legitimate set of 44 DD’s. The whole package was wrapped in a black cat suit and a pair of come fuck me at midnight stiletto heels.

As she sauntered into the bar I could see that she was looking for someone, lucky bastard. She walked those green eyes past me then stopped. Shit! Was she staring at me? As she walked my way I looked around to see who she was grinning at. Suddenly she’s standing in front of me so close those 44’s are pushing me into the wall. She wants to know if I’m the one called Death. All I can do is nod cause I still hadn’t started breathing yet. Her next words fucked me up me.

I’m new in town and I’m told you’re the man to hang out with

By now I’m looking around to see who’s laughing, cause I just knew this had to be someone’s idea of a joke. I was to find out soon enough that she was the real deal.

We soon became very close friends. She was a stripper that danced on the pro circuit. You know, she’d be the featured flavor of the week at your local nudie bar. I’ve always found strippers cool to hang with. In my profession as a bouncer it worked to my advantage to know that the woman I was hanging with could handle themselves in a rush and not fold up on me, plus it never hurt having a angry titted she-beast by my side.

On the down side strippers always reminded me of my cat in that the attention span is sparse and they always had the worst timing for wanting attention. But God loved em and so did I. There used to be this great restaurant on Broadway called Mierhoff’s. It was custom made for bar people, it didn’t have the greatest food in the world, but they served it hot, a lot, and cheap. It was a good place to vanish on a weekday afternoon for a few hours and me and the 44DD chick used to go there for a late lunch on occasion.

One day we’re sitting at my favorite table having lunch and conversation when the bullshit started. Our table was in this little cul-de-sac that opened into the main section of the restaurant facing the bar. Sitting at the bar was this bunch of suits entertaining themselves by being assholes. When we walked in they threw out a few comments but the sun was shining and I didn’t want to ruin the mood so they got ignored. But every time I looked up there they were, staring like a herd of amped up hyenas. The 44DD chick could tell I was getting hot under the collar and she decided to defuse the situation.

Baby, she said, let me get this one, just hang close.

What she did next made me love her forever. Check this out.
She was wearing a western style shirt that snapped down the front with the first few snaps undone. She walked up to the bar and stared at the suits. I stood by the door watching, I kind’a had an idea about what she was going to do. When she was sure that she had everybody’s attention, she pointed to me and said; see that guy, well he’s the one that gets to knock the bottom out of this.

Then the 44DD Chick took in a deep lungful of air. As a result that ample chest expanded and the poor shirt gave up the ghost and popped every snap that was trying to contain that wonderful rack. It was fucking poetry in motion, hell it was like a goddamn John Woo movie where everything seemed to move in super slow motion.

As the snaps popped, those beautiful 44DD’s broke loose from the constricting cloth and hurled themselves forth for all to see. Drink glasses fell from numb fingers and time seemed to move slower. I could hear a muted cry of anguish coming from the suits as the ugly truth smacked them hard in the ass.

None of that ass will they ever get. I even thought that out of the corner of my eyes I saw white doves fly past the door, but that might have been my imagination. Time then sped up. My girl was walking toward me grinning from ear to ear and the evil suits had been done in. Did I mention how much I dug strippers?




"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Matisyahu



I was introduced to reggae many years ago by way of Bob Marley and always dug it, but the bad thing with a lot of reggae to me was that after a set it all started to mesh together. Which wasn’t really important because what I stayed to hear was some of the most uplifting music I’ve ever listened too. To me next to gospel and blues, reggae actually moved my head in a different direction.

It made me angry, happy, want to cry out and find out more about god. But like god and gospel and blues I’ve moved on in the latter years of my life and have forsaken reggae. But the other day I’m driving home from work and I heard this song on the radio that made me pull over and stop the car so I could hear it better.

It was this cat singing this reggae song so uplifting and spiritual that I was just fucked up over hearing it. I found out later that it was put out by this Jewish cat that happens to sing reggae by the name of Matisyahu. I’ve always been a believer that no matter your color or what-the-fuck-ever, if you sing something from the heart it’ll carry over all boundaries. So I want to let you all hear this song cause it makes me happy and I’ve got to dig a cat that keeps his faith true along with his musical loves.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Tuesday, November 1

clueless do-gooder



I’m in the back of the coffee shop this morning watching people outside walk up and down the street and I notice a couple of bums outside hitting folks up for change and shit like that. No big deal, same shit that goes on every morning on Broadway. Across the street I see one of these do-goody chicks making her way across the street. You know the type right?

Always out to save this or save that wither it be the gay humpbacked spotted cocksucking whale, or adopt a Negro for charity or some such shit. Anyway she walks up to one of the bums and invites him into the coffee shop and buys his drunken bummy ass a cup of coffee and a scone.

All I could think of as I’m sitting there watching this touching scene unfold was that the chick with her clueless ass was buying herself a shit load of trouble. So I watched as she made a couple of trips to the counter to get him some more shit then lastly reach into her purse and hand over some bills.

Finally one of the chicks behind the counter had enough and come around and told the bum to unass his seat and hit the bricks which put an end to that spectacle. I’m all for helping a muthafucker out and shit, but some day’s you can fuck a bum.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"