prelude

The reason the story below attracted me so much and the fact that we all do stupid shit is because of something that happened to me back in the eighties. I was out with some friend of mine and we were skinny dipping in Loose Park which is a local park around these parts.

We had just gotten kicked out by the cops when I threw out the suggestion that we should all go see my brand new apartment that I’d just gotten the keys too. So off we all go but not before stopping by the liquor store. We get to the apartment and one of the girls has to take a shit but having just gotten the keys to the place there wasn’t any toilet paper in the bathroom.

One of the guys was nice enough to run down to the store and pick up a package of paper so it was all good. We’re all on my balcony which was bigger then a muthafucker drinking from this half-gallon bottle of cheap whiskey when someone got the bright idea to toilet paper your’s truly.

So the girls wrapped what must’a been three or four rolls of toilet paper around me and soon I was covered from head to toe. The only spot that wasn’t covered was my mouth cause that was where they kept shoving the whiskey down.

Suddenly someone hollered, “let’s set Greg on fire”. I’m drunk, my friends were drunk and it seemed at the time like a fine idea. So someone produced a lighter and put it to the toilet paper which happened to be soaked in cheap high proof whiskey.

Next thing I knew muthafuckers were slapping the shit out of me due to me having turned into the burningest up muthafucker you’ve ever seen. Luckily for me the whiskey soaked toilet paper went up like flash paper and burnt so quick that I wasn’t burnt except for my beard. Like I said below, stupid is as stupid does.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

burning hunk of love

People sometime bag on me due to my mocking of the stupid but like a famous stupid man once said, “stupid is as stupid does”. Because none of us is beyond the realm of the stupid and who out there amongst us hasn’t done something horribly stupid, so the mocking of the simple on this blog will continue.

Like for instance this cat over in Milwaukee who wore his Halloween costume to his local bar the other night. Nothing special or out of the ordinary since anyone who drinks will attest to the huge number of adults that dress up on Halloween and go to bars.

But what separates this cat from the rest of the herd is that he went to the bar dressed as a huge sheep. Yeah, from what my many inside sources tell me this cat had a homemade sheep costume made from hundreds of cotton balls glued together.
Ok, let’s stop here for a second and examine what’s going one here.

• We got a big ass sheep costume made out of cotton balls and glue.
• We got a bar.
• We got a bar full of alcohol.
• We got a bar full of alcohol and drunks.
• We got a bar full of alcohol and drunks and one drunk muthafucker wearing this stupid giant sheep costume made from cotton balls.

Let’s move on shall we, so ole sheep boy is just dancing up a storm over by the bar just shaking his sheep ass to beat the band when poof, his stupid costume went up in flames. Police figured that he brushed up against someone’s cigarette which set his shit on fire.

We figure what really went down is that plain and simple, ole sheep boy just got his ass set on fire by some drunk muthafucker. Anyway, sheep boy went up in flames ending up with severe burns over eighty percent of his body. Several patrons of the bar were also burnt and shit since sheep boy was running screaming and bouncing off shit all thru the bar trying to put himself out.

Oh and if you’re wondering about the picture, I guess Christina Aguilera was visiting Disneyland or Disneyworld or one of those places and decided to pose for a picture with the duck. And somehow the duck’s giant gloved hand got caught in her shirt. That’s one nice tit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Things I learned today after reading the newspaper

• Even though it looks cool in the movies, never walk into a place announcing this is a stickup and firing your shotgun in the air. Especially if the place that your stupid broke ass is trying to rob is a fuckin fireworks store, which is exactly what this cat up in Wisconsin tried to do.

This simple bastard runs into this fireworks store screaming “this is a robbery put your fuckin hands up”, and fires his shotgun into the wall to prove that he means business and shit. The shotgun sets off the fireworks and burns the muthafuckin store to the ground.

In the ensuing confusion the owner of the store not only snatches the shotgun away but the simple bastard’s ski mask. It goes without saying that the cops didn’t have any trouble tracking EL Stupido to his trailer.


• Revenge is in the eye of the beholder. This asshole is serving time for the rape and killing of a ten-year old girl. He’s hanging out in the joint the other night when into his cell walks this cat with a proposition and a knife, either die right here or stand for a tattoo.

The baffled child killer ends up with the words “KATIE’S REVENGE” tattooed in big letters across his forehead. Who’s the tattoo artist? The little dead girl’s name was Katlyn, and the tattoo artist is her cousin who happens to be serving time in the same prison for robbery.

• Don’t live in Saint Louis, Missouri due to it winning top honors as the most dangerous city in the U.S. See now that’s a tough one since they do have the White Castle burgers.

• And lastly never, and I mean never, fly on any Nigerian airliner since it seems that most Nigerian pilots are pure blooded dumbasses. Do you realize that these muthafuckers have had three major mass casualty (which is code for a lot of dead muthafuckers) jet crashes in les then a year. And if I’m hearing shit right it’s all due to pilot error.

Fuck the airliner that crashed the other day was told by the tower not to take off due to fucked up weather, but I guess over in Nigeria the pilots can overrule the tower and tell em fuck off and do what they please. Yeah, I can do without that kind of bullshit, thank you very much.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

from the archives...............sweating the small stuff

One of my favorite Stressed Out Italian Stripper moment’s was one night we were on the couch watching the movie “Who framed Roger Rabbit”. Watching TV with her was an exercise in patience, “who’s he? Where did she come from? What time is it? I’m cold”

Get my drift? Well out comes Jessica Rabbit and the Stressed Out Italian Stripper tenses up, and I knew another question was coming. She turned to me and asked,

"who's better looking, me or Jessica Rabbit?"

And she was serious; I asked her if she realized the rabbit chick was a cartoon and that she wasn’t real? “So, who’s better looking?”

The Stressed Out Italian Stripper was of course Italian decent, and she always told me that her father hung with the Mob in Florida. I always called bullshit until the time I found out it was true. She was a very healthy little hump (38DD’s) and always dressed in small clothes that showed off her ample assets.

I always knew when she hit the bar I was working in because all the men in the club would turn to face whatever direction she was coming from like a herd of fuckin Meerkats. One of our constant arguments was me trying to tell her to dress down whenever she came to see me because I had to shut down a lot of guys over that fact.

But it being a chick, meant the more I bitched the less she wore. But one night we were both at the bar when about half a dozen cats of Italian decent started fuckin with us. I took all that I could and got up to deal with em when she said that she had this.

She walked over to the young Italian’s and said that her father would be very upset if he knew how she was being treated. “So what bitch, we don’t give a fuck about your old man or that mook you’re hanging all over”.

So she tells these muthafucker’s her last name and the name her father uses. All I can say is that they paid for all our drinks and came over and shook my hand and basically acted like her little bitches for the rest of the night. The Stressed Out Italian Stripper just looked at me and grinned and said, “I told you my father was a badass”.

I got to meet this muthafucker about a year later and I’ll tell you what, he made Charles Bronson look like a pussie. He grabbed my hand and told me that he didn’t like my kind but that his little girl seemed to dig me so until I fucked up I was cool with him. I shook his hand and counted the bulges in his jacket and said yes sir.

The reason I call her The Stressed Out Italian Stripper was that everything was high drama to her. All she seemed to care about was making money, her cat and me, in that order. She was like a bad dog sometimes, I would have to walk her up to my good friends and let her see them and tell her that she needed to play nice with this person because they were close to me. Cause if I didn’t then she was an uber bitch to everyone she came into contact with.

I was at work one day when I got an emergency message to come home. I rushed into the apartment expecting the worst and what did I find? The Stressed Out Italian Stripper had in the process of putting on her bra had gotten her hair tangled up in the clasp and both of her arms hooked behind her back.

It was like a tittie straitjacket, and she’d been that way for over an hour until she figured out how to dial the phone with her one free finger. Then there was the year that I spent New Year’s alone at home with her cat while she worked a party somewhere.

When she came home there I was on the couch drunk and next to me was her prized Persian cat with all four feet up in the air passed out from all the champagne I had stuffed into em. My bad, but it took her a month to calm down over that muthafucker.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

what a gaping asshole

I’ve always liked Michael J. Fox; I dug his stupid movies and enjoyed Spin City as long as he was on it. So it bummed the fuck out’a me when he announced that he had Parkinson’s disease.

But instead of lying down he started throwing all his money and support behind research to find a way to overcome the disease. And every now and then I’d catch em on the TV talking or doing a guest spot on someone’s show and I’d remark that he’s hanging in there and was glad to see that he wasn’t letting shit break em down.

Now Fox is throwing his support behind any politico in favor of stem cell research since stem cells might hold the answer to a lot of injuries and illnesses out there including his. I can’t do nothing but support him in his efforts.

Now on the other hand you got that ofay, Goober looking, trash talking cocksucker Rush Limbaugh who after viewing some of the TV ads where Michael J. Fox is supporting candidates for political office who support stem cell research, is calling Fox out.

Calling him out by saying that Fox’s disability is a sham, an act, and that he’s exaggerating the effects of the disease in order to appear worse then he really is. Can you believe the fuckin unimaginable gall of this asshole muthafucker, to be so petty and lowdown that he makes light of someone’s disease?

I hope Rush Limbaugh comes down with some exotic flesh eating, ass churning, cock rotting disease that makes him loose control of every bodily function he has. And just before he goes to hell Michael J. Fox shows up to tell him to stop playing and pull it together.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

from the archives........pillow talk

God Save the Queen cause this biotechnology firm in London is hard at work burning the midnight oil developing a more natural feeling breast implant. Ok, two things here. I overhear young cats all the time talking out of their manginas about how if they met a woman with implants they wouldn’t have anything to do with em cause it’s unnatural to em.

And everyone to their own opinion and shit, but what a bunch of tree hugging, sandal wearin little fey bitches. Oh yeah, like I’m gonna meet some hot chick with great big ole fake titties and tell her to hit the skids cause I don’t wanna hang with her because she has implants. Fuck that!

It’s like when I’m asked what my favorite sexual position is, its nekked, followed closely by damn happy to be there. I’m a simple man dammit and if I’m that close to some chick to know for a fact that she has fake tits, I’m not fuckin going anywhere.

How is it that you never hear any of the older cats sayin stupid shit like that? You know why? Cause we like titties in all their wondrous forms and we’ve all been around long enough to know that the tittie doesn’t make the fucking woman. It’s the fucking woman that makes the woman. Plus here’s a secret….THEY’RE TITTIES YOU STUPID MASTURBATING FREAKS!

Shit, give me the job in the lab checking titties for natural feel and all that good shit. “Greg, take a lunch break”.

“NO”

“Greg, your shifts over take your ass on home”.

“NO”

Fuck, I’d love my job, that’s one daily burden I’d wear proudly as a muthafucker. I’d be so happy like fuckin Gollum in the Lord of the Rings when he sings after catching a fish.

“The rock and pool, (whack) is nice and cool, (whack) so juicy sweet. (whack) (whack) Our only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweet. (whack)

(fuck, did I just fuckin quote fuckin Lord of the fuckin rings and shit? I’m so fuckin gay)


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

by the power vested in me.......

I ran into something this weekend I never experienced before, well I have but not in this context. I’m at Michelle’s wedding just kind’a goofing around before the ceremony started when I found myself standing next to the chick who drove in from out of town to officiate things.

I say hello and then I mention that hey, we both have something in common. She looked at me and asked what would that be? I informed her that I do weddings too. You know just a little small talk, no big deal right?

So she asks me what church I’m affiliated with and where do I minister at. I tell her no church, I became ordained over the internet because my friends wanted me to be the one to marry em. Then I went on to say that I leave all that other shit to the pros. She stiffened up and out came the “oh really?”

Fuck me running; did I just get snobbed on by the chick minister? So I watched real close how she did the wedding and as far as I could tell it was no different from the way I do weddings. I'm not muthafuckin the chick minister but some people’s kids, I’m just saying and shit.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

stupid fu

Before I get started can I say something? It was bad enough when fuckin Subway came out with that odd muthafucker Jarrett all the time proclaiming how eating Subway sandwiches helped him lose hundreds of pounds. But now they got me hating that retard who has the stupidest line in all of commercialdom.

“Prime Rib, that’s the king of all meats”

I mean I’m so happy when muthafuckers give jobs and shit to the mentally infirm but every time I see this hardhat wearing cretin yakking on about meat I even doubt his monkey ass can afford it just makes me angry.

And speaking of the world of the stupid I’d think if you go by the name of Yechezkel and you find yourself running late for a flight. The last thing you’re gonna want to do is try to make the plane wait for your slow ass by phoning in a fuckin bomb threat.

Yeah this collage kid down in Florida called in a bomb threat because he was late for the flight and got pissed because he wasn’t allowed to board the plane. So now instead of living large on the beach in Fort Lauderdale, he has the fuckin FBI all knee deep up in his ass.

He’s looking at maybe five years in prison for being so goddamned stupid. Maybe he’ll learn the errors of his ways after a few years of trying to get the cock taste out of his mouth.

Now here’s one of my favorite subjects. Up in Washington State some chick caught her man in the act of being unfaithful. According to my many inside sources, the chick heard a noise coming from back behind the house the other night.

And when she stepped out to see what was what and shit, what she found was her old man on the back porch fuckin some bitch to beat the band. Now as we can all agree its bad enough when the spouse fucks around but this turned out to be on special kind of a cheating asshole.

She found her husband on the back porch fuckin their four-year-old female pit bull. And from what we can understand he was all ball deep up in that furry ass so much that the chick not only had time to call the police, but to run back inside, get her camera and start taking pictures.

Now all kidding aside, how bad does shit have to get when the cat goes, “fuck it, at least my dog still loves me?”


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

my best friend

Michelle my best friend got married on Sunday so I’m gonna sit here for a while and reflect on that for a bit. So here’s a picture of the lovely bride and myself for you all to stare and some cool words I spoke at the last wedding I did until I feel like being witty again.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

from the archives..............short bus blues

I’m on the bus this morning on the way to work and sitting two seats in front of me was this young cat that apparently had Down’s syndrome. He was sporting this black baseball cap with these cool assed bat ears sticking out the side. I could tell he was real proud of it cause he couldn’t stop fucking with it because he was constantly taking it off and shaping the bill and creasing the ears and shit like that.

Now in front of the bus sat this other cat with Down’s syndrome but who seemed a bit older. The older cat after a while turned around and full on stared at the younger cat wearing the Batman cap.

When he’s sure he’s got the eye contact he raises one finger and points toward the sky, then he gives a slight nod. Batman grabs up all his shit and moves to the front of the bus and sits across from the older cat.

They sit there staring at each other not saying a fucking word but I swear to God they’re communicating. It’s so clear that that’s what they’re doing that I could almost imagine the words. After a minute or so the sensation stops and they both nod at each other and go back to their individual shit. I’m just saying it was the oddest shit.

When we get to my stop this other cat with Down’s syndrome hops on the bus, but by now I’m so fuckin intrigued with what’s happening that I decided to ride to the next stop to see what goes on next.

Now this cat is acting different from the first two. Where they were totally quite, this cat is all talky and shit, saying hi to every muthafucker in sight and uber hyper. He pays no attention to the other two and goes and sits down.

And again like before the first two make eye contact and a minute later they both nod and break it off. And again I could swear that they pulled a judgment on the cat that just got on and were dissing him as uncool for being a talky freak. Call me crazy but that’s what I felt. It was just a very cool deal to watch is all I’m saying.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

another review

You know something’s up in the blog world when you wake up at o-dark –thirty and you check your sitemeter and notice that you’ve had a shitload of hits before the suns up. Once again my blog was reviewed, this time by the crew over at “I talk too much”. This is another site that delights in reviewing other folks blogsites and again the rviews there are not for the light hearted.

I enjoyed the review they gave me except for the crap about my font. Is my font and white on black background hard for you muthafuckers to read? Cause it took me a long time to tweak shit where I could read it easily. Not that it really matters cause at least it’s better that some gay assed pink font on a red or blue background or a font size so fuckin small that you need the muthafuckin Hubble to read it.

Anyway go check out the site and some of their reviews and what they had to say about me cause like the wise old man once said. “A hand job’s always better then doing it by yourself”.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

On Monday me and one of my coworkers had to drive a truck down to beautiful Springfield, Missouri to pick up some shit for the Man. I normally look forward too and dig driving trucks and shit but after the first fifty miles or so I turned to the cat next to me and said, “you got a CDL don’t you? Good, you can drive this muthafucker”.

Ryder went out of their way to make sure we were driving the biggest piece of shit truck they had on the fuckin lot. Between the top of the truck sounding like it was gonna blow off any minute, and the stinkin electronics going out and shit. And don’t even get me started on how slow the muthafucker was.

It was flat assed embarrassing when the mini van full of old blue hairs stopped listening to Paul Harvey long enough to flip us off as they blew past us at a lip peeling sixty miles an hour. But the drive back was real cool cause it was getting on toward evening and shit and we had the full moon as a driving companion.

I don’t know if it was the country air or what but the moon was huge. At times it seemed that if I could just stretch my arm out of the window far enough I could touch it. Another thing I dig is looking at all the farmhouses, especially at dusk. I always imagine everyone sitting down to a home cooked meal around the big table in the kitchen.

There’s Ma, wearing her apron and serving up supper and pa, just back from a long day in the fields and all the kids. I wonder what would happen if I just pulled over and knocked on the back door? Would they give me a country greeting and invite me in to sit a spell? Or would they just shoot my black ass up off their fuckin doorstep and slop me to the pigs? Such food for thought huh?

Another thing looking at all the farmhouses brought to mind. Remember back when you were a kid and you had this old mutt dog for a best friend and pet? And one day your father walked up and told your bed-wetting ass that Sparky’s gone,

“but daddy, why did Sparky have to go away?”

And your father told you that Sparky was in a better place cause he found a farm where old Sparky could run to his heart’s delight and chase rabbits and cows and shit? And you felt better cause even though your best pal was gone, he must be having the time of his life cause he had this huge farm to run around on and all kinds of neat shit to do.

Kind’a like cough cough doggy heaven. (hint) (hint). Well I got to thinking on all that and mentioned to the cat driving how wasn’t it something how so many Black father’s living in the inner city just happened to know all these muthafucker’s with farms?

All who were owned by kind old farmers more then happy to give shelter and a new home to any old hound that needed it? I mean like how often was it that whenever the family pooch went missing that the kid was told that it’s on a farm out in the country living large like a muthafucker. Fuck, that shit was so common that you figured somewhere there’s this one farm just full of hoards of the furry muthafuckers. How is Sparky anyway?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

reviewed

There’s this very cool site I visit on a daily basis called ““ask and ye shall receive”. Their deal is that they review blogs and not just your everyday mush-mouth review but the kind of reviews that might result in muthafuckers crying like slapped bitches or just leaving the fuckin internet altogether.

They don’t cut any corners and are spot on ruthless when it comes to what they think of your blog which makes it such a fun daily read. If they think your template is fucked up they’ll tell you, if your subject matter bores em they’ll tell you, and if they don’t like you, they’ll tell you to fuck off. Yeah, if you got the thin skin and can't take the heat, don't even bother submitting your blog for review.

Well they reviewed my blog today and actually left me pretty much intact. Actually I dug the review and here’s a link to it so you can check it out.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

follow this thought

All fuckin morning I’ve had the song “Rudolph the red nosed reindeer” stuck in my head. But not the traditional version, oh no, I have to have the fuckin version put out years ago by the Temptations. What the fuck is all that about, why do I have to have the fucked up Soul-Train version of the song stuck on endless loop in my fuckin head? What the fuck did I fuckin do to deserve this dammit?

Anyway, moving on and shit, I had sort of an epiphany last night whilst watching the TV. I’m sitting on the couch watching the 3rd annual VH-1 Hip-Hop honors award show. Which is this annual show where muthafuckers get together to pay their respects to old school hip-hop artists.

Being a big fan of old school hip-hop it’s cool seeing folks I grew up with getting their proper dues and it’s actually one of the better executed award shows out there. I’m talking cats like Big Daddy Kane, Grandmaster Flash, Ice T, Run-DMC, LL Cool J, Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, Afrika Bambaataa, Wu-Tang Clan, Ice Cube.

So like I’m saying I’m watching this show and on towards the end Forest Whitaker with his odd looking ass comes out to present the Wu-Tang Clan. Forest Whitaker worked with Wu-Tang’s RZA' during the making of Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai'. Which I might add, if you muthafuckers want to see a great unknown movie way the fuck off the beaten path? I so highly recommend 'Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai'.

Anyhow, Forest is talking about the group and how he’s a fan when it hit me. Forest, even though he admits not quite getting it, still digs the fuck out of Wu-Tang and what they’re all about. It then came to me what in my mind the most defining problem in America is.

That being that muthafuckers want to understand too much, and until a muthafucker thinks they understand you or your thang, they don’t want to deal with you or accept you. Now I know what some of you must be thinking, that this is the most fucked up shit we’ve ever heard. But think real hard on this cause by the simple fact that you read this blog makes you heads above most other muthafuckers out there.

There are some people and organizations out there that try so hard to understand other folks and things that they become an issue to themselves and others. “You’re an American Indian and I need to understand you and what you stand for so I can decide if I’m supposed to like you or not”. My answer is why do you need to understand a muthafucker in order to like em because if that was the case I’d never make a fuckin friend.

America wants to understand so hard that it begins to negate the reason behind the understanding which is basically getting along and thusly is seen as an asshole. Is this making any sense at all? It’s like being at a bar or social function and see the guy who’s making a huge prick of himself because he wants a friend so bad that he’s seen as the asshole.

America wants to understand the fuckin Chinese, the stinkin Arabs, the Black, and Jews so bad that when they can’t the shit gets all fucked up and suddenly it’s my way or the highway and before you know it everybody’s all Mr. Pissypants and shit and sitting in the back of the bus. I think the secret is that you don’t have to understand a muthafucker to like or coexist with a muthafucker. Anybody feeling me out there?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Beware of objects in the road

It seems that over in the great state of Kentucky, this cat lost control of his vehicle whilst going down the freeway and rolled it several times. One cat broke his neck and thumb as he was thrown from the vehicle and the other guy suffered broken ribs and possible liver damage. Were these some drunken good ole boys out for a good time, or did they roll the car maybe after hitting a deer or some such shit?

Well according to my many inside sources, they rolled their car trying to avoid a red bra in the road. It seems that up the road a ways there was a car full of teenagers and one of em was this chick who decided to take off her bra and hang it from the antenna of the car. According to all reports, she took the bra off because it was all frayed and shit because the dog had been chewing on it earlier that day?

So she pulled it off from underneath her sweatshirt and hung it from the car’s antenna where I guess the wind blew it off and it flew into the path of the car behind her, thus causing said car to lose control and flip. You know, I don’t even wanna know whither the chick had the stinkin bra on or off when the dog was chewing on it, or how big that muthafucker had to be to cause the fuckin car to flip over.

But I do think it’s a neat trick when women do that thing where they can take their bras off without taking off their shirts. You know how they grab the bra and pull out thru their shirt sleeves? That’s pretty cool. I actually tried that one night with my underwear, but all I ended up doing was spraining myself and causing damage to my ball-sac.

But the story does remind me of the day I was out with some friends of mine riding thru the country. We were in this old ratty pickup with all the windows just barreling down this country road. Now my friends in the front seat were married and the woman was sporting this big ole fine rack on her and by pure happenstance she was wearing this old sweatshirt.

So like I said we’re all riding along when suddenly she screamed and the next thing I knew the sweatshirt was lying in the backseat of the truck with me and there she was topless as a muthafucker slapping at her big ole titties screaming to beat the band. Her husband slid the truck to a stop and asked what the fuck was going on and why was she topless in front of me?

It seemed that a bug of some sort had flown thru her open window and deposited itself up under her sweatshirt. And all she knew was that she had to come out of that muthafucker as fast as she could. Now that was some funny shit and of course I kept a look of total innocence and concern on my face the whole time.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

From the “Tony sez” department……..

What’s the term people are always using when something drastic or life affirming happens to a muthafucker? Watershed moment….wake up call…….what the fuck do they call it? Goddammit, where’s my fuckin brain at today……whatever, it’s that thing where something so fucked up happens to you that all you can think of is that whatever you’re doing wrong you need to stop?

Well check this out. According to my many inside sources who telexed this to me last night. Some chick in the Croatian city of Zader had just gotten out of the shower and was proceeding to brush her teeth and shit when she was knocked the fuck out by a bolt of lightning.

Ok, I know what some of you must be thinking. But Greg, we’re hearing all the time about muthafuckers getting knocked the fuck out after being stuck by lightning, so what’s the big deal?

Well if you shut the fuck up I’ll tell you. According to my many inside sources, the Croatian chick was brushing her teeth whilst outside there was this storm going on. So after brushing her teeth she bent over the sink to put her mouth under the spigot to rinse. At the same time that was going on, lightning hit her building, traveled down the water pipe and struck her in the mouth.

And if a muthafucker remembers their schooling and shit, you know that when lightning hits something it either grounds itself out or passes through.

Did I say that right?

Anyway, she’s bent over the sink rinsing her mouth out while at the same time her equally bent over ass is touching the wet shower certain directly behind her.

And instead of grounding out thru her feet like a muthafucker would think and perhaps killing her, because she was wearing rubber bath shoes the lightning grounded out on the wet shower curtain behind her.

So let’s follow the bouncing ball shall we.

1. Lightning hits the building.
2. Lightning travels down the water pipes.
3. Croatian chick is rinsing her mouth out under the spigot.
4. Lightning exits the spigot and hits the Croatian chick in the mouth.
5. Lightning enters the Croatian chick’s body.
6. Lightning can’t exit thru her feet due to Croatian chick wearing rubber shoes.
7. The lightning exits the only place it can, into the wet shower curtain.

And how does the lightning exit into the wet shower curtain enquiring boys and girls want to know? Well get ready to be fuckin amazed cause according to my many inside sources, the lightning came out the lady’s backside.

Yup, thru the ole back door, past the chocolate starfish. Thru the pucker hole if you please. You might even say that it came out her anus, betwixt yon round ass cheeks, or depending on your orientation the area just north or south of the taint, or even her asshole if you must insist. Either way I bet somebody won’t be fuckin for a while.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

From the archives……… special e-mail!

This is sort'a long but the ending I think is worth it.





Dear Confidant,

Suddenly you got this mail and may be wondering who must have mailed. I am Rev. Pastor Samuel Francis, the Principal Pastor In charge of Redemption Camp and Grace Mission Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire.

We have in our camp two war displaced children of the Late William Keita a famous cocoa merchant who was killed at Bouaké along with the wife by the rebelling factions that are still at the moment in Control of the northern zone of the Country. The two Children were lucky to have escaped the war torn zone and are today in our Mission's house in Abidjan the economic capital of the country were they are seeking refuge.

We have in our possession two documents presented by them attesting that their late father deposited a metallic box containingUS$10,000,000:00(Ten Million United State Dollars) with a Security Company here in Abidjan which he declared to the Security Company to be photographic Materials meant for his un-named Foreign Partner for the purchase of Agro-Industrial Equipments. We have in our capacity verified this claim and the Security Company attested to its authenticity.

These children are now seeking for a foreigner who can be their “Guardian” and also represent them as their Father's Foreign Partner by assisting in the withdrawal of the box and also providing a Foreign Account where this fund could be lodged for onward investment as would be advised by you.

Your assistance to these hapless children would be in no small measure a blessing to you which you will never regret at the end of this transaction, as you must have succeeded in saving their future that is being threatened by the mal-adventures in the political environment of the country.

You can reply to this call for assistance if God touches you through the Mission's email box.
Remain Blessed.

Rev. Pastor Samuel Francis

MY Answer.......

Dear Pastor Samuel Francis

Being a student of Satan "hail Satan" I don't usually commune with your ilk, but being the lover of small children that I am, "hail Satan" I feel the urge to help. And since my unholy lord "hail Satan" loves the little wee bitches also, "hail Satan" my brood and I will do what we can. But in return for his help "hail Satan" my dark master "hail Satan" will require both the children's souls. My master "hail Satan" eagerly awaits your reply.

Much love and all that good shit.
Greg
Hail Satan

The Rev. Pastor Samuel Francies repies to my reply!!

Dear Greg Beck,

Am sorry, you are not the best for this transaction, I as A Man of God cannot handle the soul of this children to you and your master satan okay, we are sorry to have came to you. I will let these day to bear me withness that you heard about the One and only God who can save. Do not think that He(God) can not forgive you, He will if you come back to him God LOVES you okay. May the Good Lord have marcy on your soul today and bring you back to His Kingdom Life.

Bye Bye, while we wait for your trip back to the God that made you.

From today I will always pray for your change.

Yours Brother in the LORD GOD.

Pastor Samuel Francis

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

vogue

It ain’t no big whooping secret to anyone that knows me or reads my blog that the sky in my world might not be the same color as the rest of you muthafuckers, which isn’t here nor there but could explain why certain shit intrigues me to no end. Like the fact that famous movie stars and other’s of the same ilk seem to be always adopting somebody else’s kids and shit.

And have you ever noticed that the kids are always from a third world country? Which is cool by me cause the little third world snapper heads need loving too but aren’t there poor assed no family having kids here in America that need loving homes also? Aren’t motherless and fatherless American babies and shit not in vogue anymore?

Anyway, even though at times that rubs me the wrong way it’s not the defining issue here. Cause even though my vote is still out on Brad, I know that Angelina Jolie will be a fine parent. And even though he used to send my gaydar into overdrive I believe Ewan McGregor will be a fine parent because any muthafucker who can circumnavigate the globe on a fuckin motorcycle is fine by me and can do whatever the fuck he wants.

Those are just a couple of people I can think of off the top of my head who have adopted kids from a third world country. But then you got that bitch Madonna, who I never used to have a problem with. That is until ole flappy got filled with herself and decided she was too good to be a slut anymore. Now she’s rich, talking with a fake accent, sucking at the Kabbalah tit and adopting her own poor assed third world kid. That I have a problem with, or is it the fake British accent that really fucks with me? Fuck I’m not sure; I just know I don’t like it.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

bad case of the do-nothings

This weekend was more or less a laid back affair. Saturday was spent recuperating from a week where if I didn’t know better I swear the Man had it in for me. I was so on all day Friday that after work I went and had some drinks with an old friend and had to bail on her cause the lights kept going out.

So Saturday I didn’t do shit but get imitate with my couch. And speaking of couches, before all that I went over to Michelle’s to check out this couch she wanted me to have. Actually since she’s over all the time I think she just wanted a better couch to sit on then the current one, but it’s a nice couch and I’m gonna take it. After that I headed home and watched movies on the TV for a while.

• The Pacifier, staring Vin Diesel. This was a cute little movie featuring Vin as a Navy Seal assigned as a bodyguard for a bunch of kids. Vin’s an alright actor as long as he knows his role which is being a wanna be tough guy meat sac. Anything other then that he needs to get back on his knees looking over his shoulder.

• Mr. Baseball, starring Tom Selleck. This is one of those movies that I’ve always avoided but since the remote fell on the floor I was stuck watching it. Tom’s always been one of my favorite actors as long as he knows his role which is Westerns. Mr. Baseball which is the story of an ageing baseball player being sent to Japan to play ball. Lots of baseball and clashing of wills and all that good shit plus a totally innocent bathtub scene that intentional or not, turned out to be very erotic.

• X-Men 3. You know, I enjoyed this for what it is, which is an excuse to eat popcorn. But when you have a movie franchise like the X-Men, and you kill off a shitload of major characters in the third movie? I might be thinking you jumped the shark and shit.

• Zombie fuckers. Even though the sight of zombies scares the fuck out of me I’ve always held a suspicion that if they were fuckin I wouldn’t find it so bad. And who would’a guessed, a bunch of zombies getting fucked three ways to Sunday didn’t bother me a bit. As a matter of fact I found it relaxing enough to rub a couple out too.

• Too fast, to furious..three. Again another franchise movie that’s good for a bag of popcorn or two as long as you watch it for what it is. A movie about stupidly good looking people in stupid situations featuring cool cars as the real stars of the movie. Plus it had a shitload of hot Japanese chicks in it and who wouldn’t dig that.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

from the archives.........sweatin the small stuff

ACCIDENTAL TERRORIST

So there I am, walking to the bus stop. It’s around six thirty in the morning and the birds are chirping and the bees are buzzing and I can still smell the scent of fresh cut grass from last night in the air. I’d figure to make it to work early cause I had things to do you know?

Well, I’m just bumping along and not really paying attention to anything when I decide to cross the street. Normally I stay aware of my surroundings but this morning I was real unfocused and not really looking at anything.

As I’m crossing the street I look up in time to see this little girl in my path. She’s small and thin, all bony knees and elbows and maybe ten years old. On her back sits a bright pink backpack and she’s clutching a Power Puff Girls lunch box.

“She’s up early for school I thought”

As I get closer she must’a been in a fog also, cause just then did she look up and see me coming. Her little body tensed up and she reminded me of a deer caught in the headlights. Except that deer’s don’t squeal.

That little girl let out the oddest squeal and took off running. I looked around to see what was scaring her when I realized it was me. She was running for her life from me! I felt like crap. I wanted to catch her and tell her I was one of the good guys, but that would’a looked stupid.

She ran for about a block then she stopped, yeah stopped right in front of my bus stop. Damn my bad luck. Not only did I accidentally scare a little girl into puberty, but she ran to the only bus stop around for three blocks to take refuge. It goes without sayin that I took a different bus this morning. I hope I didn’t leave a lasting impression on her.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Fred Phelps is a rat bastard muthafucker

You know that Fred Phelps and his ilk are such inbred hateful ass-hats that I can imagine the grand wizard of the local KKK calling Fred and telling him to turn the hate down a notch or two.

“Goddamn Fred. We’re all about hating a muthafucker but shit you’re making us all look bad”.

I just saw an interview on Fox featuring one of his ball juggling relatives and I can say for sure that this is one simple minded bitch that would make that open sewer of a slut Paris Hilton look like a fuckin Rhodes Scholar. And even after hearing her talk I found hard to understand or believe how a person could hate so much.

I wasn’t around during most of those times but watching her must have been akin to Blacks watching some cat from the ole south not only hang their kin but run for national office and feel sad and angry that shit’s so fucked up. Or Jews in Europe listening to Adolph for the very first time and understanding that their lives would never be the same or that maybe their god had forgotten them.

What would bring a person and his ilk to hate so fuckin much that they would stoop to the lows that they do? Did Fred experiment during his younger years and hate the ass fuckin that much that he would go on a lifelong vendetta against gays and everyone that didn’t adhere to his brand of self servicing righteous bullshit? Would a little lube or a simple reach-around or a goddamned hug and a cuddle afterwards have made Fred a nicer muthafucker?

Fuck, if Fred so truly believed in his own “god” why doesn’t he ever go to the hood or the barrio and protest shit or take his stupid ass over to Iraq and pitch his tent? Why because he knows that those muthafuckers wouldn’t put up with his shit and put a bullet in his fuckin brain pan and those who belong to his little band of cocksuckers.

I’m just saying that here’s a cat so fucked up and who’s skating the edge of the law so close that Congress, fuckin Congress, came together in a rare show of unison and passed an emergency law into effect trying to keep this glory hole robber in check. These muthafuckers can’t even manage the fuckin Iraq war but came to the table to deal with this rat bastard.

And to tell you the truth, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Amish folk over the years and even though I’m not a religious man, I can’t think of a people as a whole that I’ve met who’s closer to their God then they are and Phelps wants to fuck with them?

It’s like a good friend of mine said and forgive me for misquoting but I’ve had a few Beams & cokes. I hope if Fred and his fellow knuckle dragging, spavined legged, inbred, incestuous, cousin fuckin, hating all, band of cocksuckers decide to go protest at the services of those dead Amish children.

That some switch flips in the head of the Amish mothers and fathers of those murdered children and they show ole Fred and his family what fire and brimstone and God’s wrath is all about. Because I really believe that if there is a true god, no matter what name he goes by, he doesn’t recognize Fred Phelps and his church and brings some righteous thunder and all that good shit against him.

It’s like I told some people tonight. It would fuckin rock to be around for the second coming and hear Jesus speak to the people. And watch as Fred Phelps who’s of course sitting up front go paler then a muthafucker throwing up his lunch as from the crowd some cat is heard to exclaim; “is that Jesus talking with a fuckin lisp?” I’m just saying and shit.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

you're going to sleep now

If one day I was to find out that I was dying and only had weeks or months to live. Instead of going out in a debauched blaze of drugs and sex I would gleefully expend my last breath and all my remaining strength to go after these muthafuckers. Yes sir, I sure in the fuck would.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

jackass

I see that the death kneel for the gratuitously stupid has started. What, Jackass II came out this week and already muthafuckers are working hard for their piece of the Darwin pie? I heard on the news this morning that some local cat is in a coma which came about from trying to emulate a Jackass stunt.

Yeah, this cat tried to jump out of a moving car which of course ended badly in that he got fucked the fuck up. No matter how hard I may want to I can’t feel pity for these stupid ball handlers.

It’s the families I feel sorry for since now instead of watching stupid Johnny mumble his way thru cornflakes, they have to deal with him being laid up somewhere drooling all over himself. And don’t go blaming the cast of Jackass II or the movie it’s self because as we all know, teenagers are the lemmings of the world.

But if the folks that made Jackass II really want to take responsibility what they need to do is put out a series of public service announcements.

“Hi this is the cast of Jackass II. We’re highly paid professionals with many years of stunt work under our collective belts.

And normally we would tell you to never try anything you see us do. But you know what, fuck it; we’re tired of all the bad press from you muthafuckers trying to kill yourselves imitating our shit.

So here’s the deal. Save us, save your parents, save your schools the wait. Kill yourselves now. Eat a bullet, suck on a tailpipe, go slap a pit-bull, bum rush a cop, we don’t care. Just do it.”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

family value role model blues

You know back-in-the-day I used to hang in strip clubs every night of the week. I thought those places were the shit. You had a joint with no windows, loud thumping music, plus you had these big knuckle dragging muthafuckers at the door keeping you safe. These places were always decked out with comfy couches, velvet paintings and pretty lights.

And get this! The place was full of nekked chicks and booze. I loved these fucking places cause what more could a single man ask for? Ok, ok, some of em even served food. Who knew?

But I had a bad experience in a strip club some years ago and haven’t been in one since. I had gone to a joint out of town that some old friends from the Family managed. I walked in and sat down and one of the guys’s brought me a drink.

I knew these cats from my bouncing days at the old Lone Star and they were pretty cool guys as long as you kept em at a distance. If they got too close the next thing you knew you were sitting in the drivers seat of a car with the motor running while they were making a withdrawal from the local bank if you know what the fuck I be saying and shit.

So we were sitting at a choice table when this unbelievable hard-body redhead I recognized hits the stage. She was shaking it harder then a retard having an epileptic fit in the middle of Wal-Mart till suddenly she gets a good look at me.

Get this, she starts with the screaming and throws her hands over her tits and runs off the stage. The family guys start freaking on me, “what the hell did you do”?

Yeah, for a few seconds all I saw was dark suits and bulges. The dancer came running back out with her robe on and the manager wanted to know what her problem was. She pointed at me and said that’s Death. The guy’s go yeah we know who the fuck he is, so what’s up with the screaming and shit?

Well who could have known? Apparently this certain dancer used to hang out in the Lone Star back when she was seventeen. Cut me some slack, she looked mature for her age. And I used to as she put it watch over her. To my dismay, in front of all the Family guys she said that seeing me sitting there was like seeing her Dad.

“Her fucking Dad?”

The Family guys almost dropped their fuckin guns they laughed so hard. Me? I’ve found it hard to walk into a strip club ever since.
Peace


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

prick

It’s almost a given these days that in any avenue of power there’s some sick muthafucker abusing his. So I don’t know what makes me more pissed off, that Mark Foley’s an ass fuckin cocksucker of the worst ilk, or the fact that nobody did anything about it.

Cause if for one minute you seriously believe that this shit was a secret in D.C, then fuck you for being a dumbass. People in power knew, the fuckin Republicans knew, the stinkin assed Democrats knew, hell I bet fuckin al-Qaeda knew.

So after thinking it over I’m more upset that muthafuckers let this shit go on for as long as it did. Cause you know this muthafucker didn’t just start this crap up. he’s been a cocksucker by choice for years.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"