test

Ok, for all you out there always wondering what kind of guy I’d be in a relationship, here’s the results from a test I just took. I found the test over at Gray Biker’s site “In High Cotton”, and he found it here. I think most of it may be true but hell, I’ve never given these things much thought. Maybe some of you women out there that know me can tell me if the test came close or not. Here’s what it had to say.

eXpressive: 5/10
Practical: 3/10
Physical: 5/10
Giver: 4/10

You are a RSYT--Reserved Sentimental Physical Taker. This makes you a Brute.

You are volatile, stormy and incredibly sexy. You have a hungry, fascinating way about you. You are a riot when you're happy and a menace when you're angry. You are strangely appealing to your target sex, and they find themselves drawn in despite their wiser instincts.

In your professional life, your type makes you a star, a force to be reckoned with, and the one people trust when they have a problem that's beyond them. In a relationship, you are a bull in a china shop, and if your partner isn't clever s/he may get plowed down. I could warn you to be more communicative with and sensitive to your partner, but that's just not going to happen. You don't ask much of your significant other, so you have no tolerance for high demands on you. For you, it's either love it or leave it.

You work hard and play hard. You enjoy a good drink. You have had many lovers and will have many more. People try and fail to get you into bed. They want you for a friend and fear you as an enemy.

This may not sound too flattering, but the truth is that because you know yourself so well you're happier in a relationship than most everybody else.

Hemingway would write about you. Maybe Hemingway is you.

Of the 34417 people who have taken this quiz, 3.2 % are this type.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

open your eye's and see the light

I don’t have much to say this morning. Well except that if you’re in a room full of people, and you’re such the type that you have to announce in a loud voice how “edgy” and “crazy” you are, and that you live your life on the edge and all that kind of crapulous shit. And you insist on invading folk’s personal spaces and laughing at the top of your lungs at everything you deem funny and attempting to shock people because you are the “edgy” sort. Then I’m here to tell you the truth about yourself. You ain’t shit, never will be worth a shit, and you are shit. And sooner or later you’re gonna pull your “edgy” “crazy” shtick in front of someone who’s having a very bad day and who doesn’t really give a fuck. And they’re gonna pull your punk card and very bluntly ask you to show them how edgy you can get. And when it’s all over you’re gonna go away for a long long time. It happens every day to miscreants such as you, and when, not if, but when it happens, you might get lucky and learn a valuable life lesson. That is if the person that pulls your punk card because they’re having a very bad day and stopped giving a fuck, retains the clarity and the presence of mind to know when to stop. I’m just sayin is all.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

Here’s the deal. This morning I decided to shave my head but mostly I wanted to trim my beard. I had to drive up to Lincoln, NE yesterday and I noticed whenever I had the window’s down my beard would actually fly into my mouth. I mean it wasn’t a bad thing, but it gave me the oddest sensation of eating pussy with nobody there. So after doing my head I went to trim the beard, and everything was going well till I tried to even the shit up. That’s when I slipped and hacked this huge fuckin chunk out’a it. Goddammit, now I had to even the rest of my shit to match the fucked up part. Well it goes without sayin that my beard is now the shortest it’s ever been. It looks like I’ll have to wait a few weeks before I can go back to making the pussy face. Every man that enough beard has done this, it’s when you wet your lips and mash em together and grab a handful of beard and pull it up over your lips so it likes a pussy. Great for scaring kids and annoying women, plus it’s so much more effective when you gots a lot of gray in it. But like I said, yesterday me and another cat had to drive up to the National Guard in Lincoln to pick some equipment up. Now I’ve only been up that way maybe a couple of times which yesterday made two, but the first time driving up I got lost. What was supposed to be a three, maybe four-hour trip turned into ten. I’m driving along like a muthafucker figuring I’d see Lincoln sooner or later when I came upon a sign that said Minnesota five miles. Minnesota five miles? The fuck? I had missed my exit by a couple of hundred miles and had to double back. After it was all said and done, I made it into Lincoln some ten hours after leaving Kansas City. And would you believe that yesterday as we’re driving I damn near did the same thing again? We’re rolling along cranking the tunes and all that when I decided to stop at this rest stop for a piss break. I walk into the restroom and when I come out the cat with me Dave, is standing by the big wall map all rest stops have.

“Hey boss, you fucked up again, we’re sixty miles past our exit”.

Boy, did I feel like a fuckin retard. So after checking the map we headed back out on the freeway. For a muthafucker that’s driven all over the four-state area for the Man, and logged thousands of miles, I’m sure a get lost easy bastard sometimes. But it was a good day for a drive. The people that go out of their way to talk to me sometimes always tickle me. Earlier in the trip we had stopped at this roadside joint for coffee and as I’m at the counter getting my shit, some cat in hunting gear is standing next to me.

“Hey old son, pour you some of this here, that’s the real coffee. Yup, me and the boy’s are working back up in the hills near Mound City building us a duck blind”.

“Cool, I’m heading up to Lincoln”.

(and here’s the part I should have paid attention too)

“Lincoln? You’re taking it off highway 2, right?”

(highway 2 is the exit I missed)

“Yeah, that one”.

“Well iffen you want you can take 159 thru the back roads all the way to Lincoln. Might see yourself some pretty country back up in those hills”.

“Gee, thanks, that just might be an idea. See ya”.

I should have listened to the great white duck hunter, my dumb ass wouldn’t have gotten lost. Again.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

school days

Whilst in Lincoln trying to find the National Guard we somehow got ourselves lost around noon smack dab in the middle of the big University up there. That ended up being the best part of our day to tell you the truth. My neck’s hurting even now cause everywhere I looked was assloads of hot, shiny, halter-top, short shorts wearing, midriff showing panutch walking around. There’s me and Dave in this big government van laughing and giggling like we were fourteen years old.

“Dave check out the red shirt at eight-o’clock……….no…no..look at that shit coming across the light. Are you looking at the set on that one? Oh my god, I’m fuckin dying here”.

It was fucking crazy. I never knew shit like that existed, cause the place was stinkin with hot chicks. I wanted to put the fucking van in park and just sit there but believe me, two men which included me looking like I do in a dark van with government plates giggling and laughing whilst staring doesn’t blend in with the collage crowd very well. After about a half hour of stumbling around we actually were able to find our way out of the University and locate the National Guard. Someone must’a narked us out as the two giggling idiots riding around in the government van, because when we rolled up the gate the guards made us get out and searched the van from top to bottom including the engine compartment. They seemed almost disappointed that the van was clean and we were who we said we were. But they gave us an escort in and everything was good to go. I was talking to our contact who’s a very lovely lady in her sixties, when I mentioned how we got lost coming thru the University but we really didn’t mind it that much. She looked at me grinning and mentioned how it wasn’t like back in the day when she went to school.

“Yeah, the girls these day’s don’t wear much”.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

must'a had a touch of the vapors

For no special reason or because I’m having a good day for a change, I gonna throw up the very first thing I ever sent out to the stinkin masses via the Internet. This came as the result of being on the end of an e-mail chain started by a bunch of intellectual types as to what hell really was. Or if it existed at all. After reading the original letter and reading all the replies, it came to me what’s wrong with most so-called intellectual types. They tend to over think shit and by doing so miss the big picture and end up sounding fucked up. Now with me having met the requirements needed to join at least one high intelligence club, but too cheap to pay the dues I felt myself qualified to answer their e-mail about hell. I found out later I caused a bit of a stir, which I’ve never quite understood. So here you go from October 13, 2000.

What a crock of shit! It always amazes me how everyone thinks they have the right idea on what HELL is all about.
I pondered on if I should answer this in jest or in truth. I’ll leave it for you to figure out.

HELL is neither hot or cold. HELL is not down there, nor is HELL over there. HELL is a lot closer then you think. Some people are in HELL for years before they figure it out, and even then they’re not sure. Some folks even enjoy the concept that they are in HELL. There is no HEAVEN just various levels of HELL. There is no GOD or SATAN, just an absentee landlord. The all night laundry is open but no one’s working the counter. The guy walking down the street talking to himself? Who in HELL do you think he’s talking with? You think he’s going through HELL, no, he’s fucking happy; he’s having a good time. To him HELL is a soft seat at the free lunch counter. Think I’m bullshitting you? Step in front of one of these guys and they’ll give you the most annoyed or puzzled look. And you know why! You just took them out of the loop. You put them on hold! You’re like bad call waiting! Bad move on your part. HELL is listening to me rant! HELL is watching happy people and trying to figure out JUST WHAT IN THE HELL THEY ARE SO DAMN HAPPY ABOUT! HELL is the women sitting next to me at the lunch counter and moving her purse because she thinks I’m gonna grab the damn thing. HELL is me grabbing her instead! HELL is some asshole stepping in front of me interrupting my DAMN conversation!

IT DOESN’T MATTER
WHO I’M TALKING WITH, IT MATTERS THAT YOU STOPPED ME FROM ENJOYING MYSELF! DO YOU REALIZE HOW LONG IT’S GONNA TAKE ME TO GET BACK ON LINE! DO YOU! DAMN YOU! DAAAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

pretty

This is a photo of the bike I think I'm going to buy. A 1988 Kawasaki KZ1000 full on police pursuit motorcycle, rated somewhere between 135hp to 140hp. Like the man once said;

it's got cop tires, a cop motor, cop suspension, and the cigarette lighter works

I'm just sayin is all.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

more buckassed nekked cooking

You ever been shopping and shit at the grocery store, and suddenly get in a panic over what to get and the only person you can think of to call is your mother? Last night that was me all the way as I’m walking thru the grocery story with this giant cucumber in my hand. I knew what I wanted to make for dinner but of course as soon as I got there I totally flatlined and forget all the ingredients I needed. For almost fifteen minutes I stumbled around in a blind panic holding on to this fucking cucumber like it was a lifeline and shit. But finally the brain waves started up again and I put the cucumber back and got all the shit I needed. But as soon as I got home I did call my mother and ran shit past her. And thank god for that cause she set me stright on some things that kept me from fucking up. So once again I gathered myself together and sat down in front of the evening news and proceeded to do some shit. Now I know some of you are going to laugh but for dinner I was going to attempt tuna salad for the very first time. I fucking love tuna salad but when I buy it at the store it’s almost five bucks a pound. And when Cassie lived with me she used to make it for me but she’s gone, and I love my mother’s tuna salad but shit, she’s clear across town. So it was time for me to grow up and make do on my own. Plus after making the kick-ass salmon patties last week, my culinary confidence level was peaking pretty fuckin high. So in the kitchen I had eggs on boil, and I chopped and diced tart apples, celery, and an onion. And let me just say this, I still retain all my fingers and squiggly parts, cause you know how I do it. It’s all about buckassed nekked cooking. Hmmm, think that’ll ever make for a TV show?

“The Cooking Channel presents it’s newest culinary sensation! Cooking in the kitchen buckassed nekked with Greg”!

Yeah, lets all hold our breath for that one. Anyway I strained and dried the tuna and along with sweet relish threw all that shit into a bowl. As soon as the eggs cooled I peeled em up and after dicing threw them in along with mayonnaise and just a dollop of yellow mustard. Mixed all that shit together and goddammit to high water I had tuna salad. I think I made enough to last me a week. To my surprise it actually tasted real muthafuckin good. I was gonna slice up some red and green grapes to put in the mix but that seemed just a tad on the gay side so I didn’t. Not bad for my first time out, some days I do exceed my own expectations if I must say. I think next on my list I’ll have to try either a pot roast or chili. No beans of course.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

the MotherShip it wasn't..maybe the rowboat?

For those you that have inquired, my balls are doing quite fine. But I do have a scratchy throat from having my pubes kicked up into it. Nothing lots of water can’t help. I finished out my weekend going to the Hurricane Saturday night to hear this Cleveland, Cincinnati band that went by the name of Freekbass. According to their website, the leader of the band, a Chris "Freekbass" Sherman is the so-called protégé to old school funketeer Bootsy Collins, who also produced his album. Whatever, I guess Freekbass is one of those cats’s that’s big shit in his neck of the woods. But when Steve, who was working the bar, looked at me and said that makes four, as in bass solo number four, I got up and paid my tab. To me the cat and his band sounded like every other so called funk band I’ve heard. Plus I rather get fingered by hairy fat chicks then sit thru bass solos. And after the big guy on my left side casually announced to me that he was bipolar. And the cat on my right side was getting himself worked up because there weren’t any black folk in the band, and how dare they call themselves a funk band. There’s just times when you know when to call it a night. Plus if there were two people that needed to engage each other in conversation, it’s a big white guy that’s bipolar and a black cat upset over the bands ethnic makeup.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

doctor doctor, my balls hurt whenever I do this

Last night hanging at the Hurricane after work the bartender had the John Holmes documentary playing on the big screen. Being an old school fan of porn I saw a lot of familiar faces from the seventies and eighties plus of course ole Johnny Wad himself. I was impressed to learn a lot of facts about John Holmes I wasn’t aware of. Like that his first wife was a straight nurse and not in the porn industry, and yes he was a legitimate thirteen inches. Muthafucker had a cock so big it needed an elbow, but in the end John fell to the evils of drug addiction and Aids and died. Just goes to show having the biggest dick on the block doesn’t make you any smarter. It was odd that during the majority of the movie there was nothing but guy’s in the bar. I’m just sayin. I was sitting next to Corey and we talked bikes most of the time. Corey’s waiting on his 2003 Indian Scout to get freighted in and that’s what the discussion revolved around, along with various bikes I’ve been looking at. Later on Corey’s wife Sara showed up, she’s been up north with Mr. Wilson at this wine bar most of the afternoon. So with the way things turned out Corey had to leave to take Wilson home whilst I hung there with Sara. She got tired of waiting and looked over at me and suggested we head back to her place and hop in the hot tub. Which we proceeded to do, and a bit later Corey showed up. I was doing much better in the hot tub this time around. For some reason I wasn’t a buoyant as before and didn’t seem in any danger of floating to the top. That is until Sara motioned me to the other end of the tub to meet her dogs, and as soon as my ass broke suction I started rising ass first. For some reason I panicked and found myself screaming,

“watch out, I’m coming up”!

But as luck would have it the only folks that saw my giant ass break the surface was the dogs who I swear turned their backs and started snickering. Uppity furry bastards. Anyway after a couple of hours I had turned into one big wrinkle and decided it was time for me to go home. So Sara and Corey and their smart-assed dogs went inside whilst I got dressed. Now with it being no huge secret that I’m not exactly gazelle nimble, I carefully attempted to climb out of the hot tub. I stood and swung one lag over the side and after getting my balance I proceeded to swing the other leg over. But somehow I slipped whilst straddling the edge of the tub and plopped down right on top of my balls. Now as guys will tell you the balls are the most sensitive part of a man’s body. And there’s the odd thing about the balls. When you get em hit there’s this split second delay between the time you hit em and the time you feel the pain. Which meant that when I sat on my balls the first thought in my head was,

“fuck, this ain’t good”?

Then the pain hit and I toppled over onto Corey’s and Sara’s deck. All I could do was lay there as wave after wave of pain rolled over me. But I made myself crawl to my clothes because in pain or not I couldn’t let the stupid dogs find me buck assed nekked and twitching on the deck. Oh hell no, that just wouldn’t do. By the time everybody came back out I at least had my pants and shirt on so it wasn’t too embarrassing. Corey being the man that he is felt sympathy for me along with Sara, whilst the dogs snickered. I need to work on my dismount a bit more.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

Ok, it’s time for another Friday’s edition of sweating the small stuff. So lets open up the paper and see what’s pissing me off.

Up in the New Jersey this little eight-year-old girl who has this fucked up stomach thingie that prevents her from eating wheat has had her first Holy Communion thrown out by the Church because the wafer she ate contained no wheat, which so sayth the Church violates Roman Catholic doctrine. According to Church doctrine the Communion wafers, like the bread served at the Last Supper, must have at least some unleavened wheat in it and Church leaders are refusing to change anything about the sacrament. The little girl who’s goes by the name Haley was diagnosed with celiac sprue disease when she was 5. The disorder occurs in people with a genetic intolerance of gluten, a food protein contained in wheat and other grains. And according to my many sources, when you have this disease and eat shit that contains gluten it damages the lining of the small intestine, blocking nutrient absorption and leading to vitamin deficiencies, bone-thinning and sometimes gastrointestinal cancer. Yeah, everything a growing little girl doesn’t need. So even though eating the fuckin holy wafer will cause great harm to Haley or even death, the fuckin Church is saying that shit’s finial, and unless Haley eats the wheat wafer she doesn’t get Communion and might as well become one of Satan’s little bitches. Well, isn’t that fuckin special? Now, if I remember right, ain’t the fuckin wafer and wine supposed to be symbolic and shit? The fuckin wafer represents the body of Christ, and the wine represents the blood and shit. Did I get that right? So if it’s all symbolism what should anyone care what the little girl eats at Communion? Shit, give her a diet coke and a chicken leg and let that represent Christ. Goddamn, I’m just sayin is all.


As some of you know I take great delight in bringing you whatever the latest hip thing teenagers are doing in the endless search for that big rush. Whither it be huffing till the little fucks pass out to sniffing Freon to get their rush on. So with great pride I bring to you stright from Boston. Drum roll please………………………………………………………Car Surfing!!! Yes, I said car surfing. Where the little where’s my MTV baggy pants wearing fist-fuckers will hop on a buddy’s car and whilst it’s being propelled down the road at breakneck speeds will stand or ride atop the fuckin car. And when asked by one of my many sources why, here’s what one of the little pimple-faced cum-flickers had to say.

"Why not do crazy stuff, at least while we're young?" said this dumb young bastard aged 19, who surfed on the trunk of his friend's Lexus last summer. "Once you get old, just walking up the stairs hurts."

Hey, Brainiac, why not put on glasses and run head first in the closest rock wall? Or save your parents the trouble of having to flip your brain-dead ass over in bed every few hours after you fuck yourself up after falling off your pal’s Lesux and tumbling for a hundred feet. Just avoid em all the work by shoving your face under the front tire. Kids these days. Can’t live with em, glad I don’t have em.


Thursday I spent the day home from sick with the brown bottle flu and for lunch I decide to do some movie watching. The first movie up was “Open Range” featuring Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall. If you dig western’s you’ll love this movie, but if you’re just a casual visitor to the old west, you might find your attention drifting during the first half cause it’s some real slow pacing. But the movie’s gist is that Boss and Charley played by Robert Duvall and Costner are part of a trail-herd that runs afoul of a crooked landowner and his pet sheriff. The two lose the rest of the trail crew due to some foul shit and goings on by the evil landowner’s henchmen. So they decide to get old-school and take off the kid gloves and show em how shit’s done downtown. We find out that Charley’s killed more men then cancer way back in his past and ain’t exactly wrapped very tight. Whilst Boss is just a badass old salt when he sets his mind to it. And I gots to tell you, as a fan of westerns, it made my heart soar to see how these two killed some muthafuckers. I highly recommend this movie. Make yourselves a couple of thick BLT’s and set back and enjoy.

The next movie was Hidalgo, featuring the dude from all the Lord of the Ring movies. Yeah, Viggo what’s his name played Frank Hopkins, a Pony Express rider who was famous for his long distance horse races. Who along with his wonder horse Hidalgo, traveled to Arabia to enter a three thousand mile endurance race. I found this movie to be a fuckin kick to watch. Hell, they even dusted off Omar Sharif to play an Arab sheik in the film. It was action packed and even had a decent back-story to explain some shit. I wanna say that much of the acting credit in this movie should go to the fuckin horse who seemed to steal every scene he was in. I predict great shit for this horse.

The last movie before bed was Kill Bill 2. I enjoyed it a lot though I thought the ending was kind’a lame after all the buildup and shit. Now even though I’m a fan of his films I’m not a fan of Quentin Tarentinos. I can’t stand his too cool for school attitude and his “I know something you don’t know” smirk always on his face. His movie making style reminds me of bad rap. His style is taking all his favorite films and directors and snatching bits here, and pieces there. And he does it so shamelessly. It’s cool to me when some cat pays homage to his betters, but the way Tarentino does it sometimes is almost like plagiarizing. He might as well do a cut and past. But unlike some people I do admire the way he portrays violence and shit. But my votes still out on whither he’s actually a bonifide talent, or a hundred monkey’s beating on typewriters. But here's a quote from the movie that happened just after the Bride threw a killing move on Bill.

Bill : Pai Mei taught you the five point palm-exploding heart technique?
The Bride : Of course he did.
Bill : Why didn't you tell me?
The Bride : I don't know... because I'm a bad person.
Bill : No. You're not a bad person. You're a terrific person. You're my favorite person, but every once in a while, you can be a real cunt.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

stalker kitty

.
Sunday I pull into the back of my apartment from doing laundry and after getting my shit from the truck I head to my back door. I really wasn’t paying much attention because as soon as opened my door to step in this cat appeared from the clear fuckin blue and walked in like it was his keys that unlocked the door. The little furry fuck waltzed in and made a beeline for the couch and hopped on up and laid down like I owed his ass money. Now me being who I am did some quick thinking and said, “I don’t know you, get the fuck out’a my house”. But the cat just laid there looking at me like I had Friskies printed across my forehead and shit. After opening the door to my front porch I grabbed it and threw his little home invading ass outside and figured that was that. But instead of leaving he parked himself on the porch ledge and started talking shit to me. And if you’ve ever lived with a cat you know how they do. By that time Michelle dropped in to visit and I was telling her about the cat who by then had planted himself on my screen door. We’re sitting on the couch staring at it whilst it hung by all fours from my screen door staring in at us still talking shit. After a bit I noticed it had vanished from its post on my screen door and I figured it had given up. But then I saw this little furry paw poke thru my front window. I had a small hole in the screen and the muthafucker was trying to enlarge it so he could squeeze thru. Talk about your persistent furry bastards huh? With it being a nice day I had the door and windows open but because of stalker kitty I had to close all my shit up because he kept trying to get in. This cat was worse then a crackhead trying to break in. Michelle kept telling me that I should let it in but I nixed that idea because I’m not ready for that kind’a relationship again. Then today when I was telling Mito about it she told me I had no choice, that the cat looks like it’s made it’s mind up that he’s living with me wither I want him to or not. Like I said I’m not ready to live with a cat again, plus they’re some finicky little bitches. Love me, go away, love me, go away, love me go away. It’s like living with some chick with ten personalities except that she has sharp teeth and claws. I ain’t having it.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

catching up, part tres

As you know I never talk about the job much, and that’s for a couple of reasons. 1. What I do isn’t all that and folks never seem to quite understand what it is I do. Not that you all are slow and shit, but why try to explain what even I don’t understand. 2. And as a rule of thumb because I do have a blogsite and it’s read by all including my fellow employees, I refrain from talking about the Job just so as to keep down any shit that might arise. But I can say that with the onslaught of Hurricane Charlie it’s been a busy muthafucker around here. FEMA will do a thing called propositioning, it’s where when we see something big coming down the pike like a hurricane, FEMA will have other regions set to back up each other in case the shit hits the fan so to speak. Our region was positioned to back up one of the east coast regions incase Charlie decided to make a run up the coast. But as things went Charlie seemed content in fucking over Florida so we called back all the equipment and personnel sent up that way to sit shit out. But with Florida in such dire straits the director of FEMA/Homeland Security got on the horn and called for anyone that could break loose to catch the fastest thing they could to Florida and help with the recovery. So this place emptied out like the end of school. I stayed behind even though I wanted to go because I have no one to cover my desk in my absence. A lot of the shit I do is time-sensitive so to leave it for a month or so would’a really fucked things up around here. Plus even though I have no proper backup, I can cover up to four people at any given time. Why? Cause as the baggy pants wearing kids would say I have mad whack skills. Word. But with everyone gone my stress level, which is at best is “fucked up” will/is only getting higher. But it’s no big deal cause that’s what I do. But I do have to watch my temper, like when I got on the bus home yesterday, there sitting in the back of the bus was a bunch of kids, maybe in their early teens I figured. I only counted five but if noise was any judge you’d think there was a fuckin boatload. And they all had these really shrill cutting voices, especially this one little bitch and her fey boyfriend. “Like, like like like, whatever….. and you know the other day at the mall….when I get my own place it’s gonna be so cool”. On and on and on they went untill they decided their comfort level was enough that they started throwing out the fuck you’s. Fuck this, fuck that, fuck me’s, all in their shrill little voices. Now the bus driver who’s a really nice cat decided he had enough and asked em to please stop with the bad language and shit on his bus. The little cock-smoking bitches stopped for a minute then started back up again plus calling the driver muthafucker’s and shit. By this time it was my stop but I had bad enough of a day that I really considered going to the back of the bus and taking em off with me. But like everything I do I thought it over and decided that since I was hungry and shit and a grown man, it wouldn’t do for me to get taken downtown by the cops.

Cause you know that’ll be the case if I started punk slapping somebody’s bunch of pimple faced puffy titted overbearing stupid backpack wearing foul mouthed kids

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

catching up, Part Dos

Saturday night was a rare one for me, I must’a been emoting or some such shit cause my first few drinks were all gratis. That’s Latin for hot women paying for my drinks in case you got confused. The first one came from a friend whose band was playing that night, and the others came totally out of the dark. I was sitting at the bar talking up my pal Steve who was behind the bar when these two hottie MILF types came up on either side of me. One was blond and short whilst the other was dark haired and tall. They both announced that they were searching for the man at the bar who smelled so good. Of course with me being the honest Good Samaritan that I am, started pointing down the bar. That’s when the dark haired one grabbed me around the arm and told me that if it weren’t for their dates she’d love to straddle me. And can I say what is it about a hot women grabbing me and shoving her tits into my arm and making direct eye contact that makes me drop IQ points like a pig shittin in the mud? Anyway….by then the blond one had moved in close and that’s when they asked me what I was drinking. “Whiskey and coke”. The tall one who had quite the rack by the way, told Steve, who was doing the fish-eye thing by now to set me up. I still hadn’t finished the first one so they told him to take care of me then after paying him and with a word about being back, off they sauntered. Well, who knew? They never came back which was good cause I ended up hanging with Mito until the bar closed. But do you know what the coolest part was about the early evening? Before the drinks showed up along with the hot chicks, this really nice looking black chick came in and sat down at the bar. I looked over at her and nodded hello, but all I got back was a sneer and a roll of the eyes. It didn’t really miff me cause I know to her I was probably just some overweight bald black man with a shitload of gray in his beard and a lot of road time on his face, and if she didn’t want to give me the time of day that’s cool. I-couldn’t-give-a-fat-rat’s-ass-fuck. Because all I meant to do was to say hi, nothing more and nothing less. So when the MILF’s were hanging all over me and folks I knew would come by and say hello, it gave me a warm feeling in my heart and a fuck you to see her staring wondering what the fuck was all the noise about and who I was.

A damn nice cat who smelled really good.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

catching up, part uno

Ok, let’s see if I can catch you all up from the past few days. Friday me and Mito went to the Uptown Theater for the annual Pitch Magazine music awards. This is a yearly function to honor and showcase local music talent here in Kansas City. This was my first time going and most likely my last. I dig the concept but I came away very unimpressed by it all. We got there in time to see the opening kickoff, which featured Kansas City’s own Marching Cobras Drill Team, who in my opinion are one of the most overplayed commodities in town, next to Buck O’Neil. Or was it simply the idea of black kids doing their thing in front of a bunch of drunken jaded Kansas City musicians? Oh, thru musicianship and the vigor of youth the Cobras did steal the show by the way. Sitting at a table across from us were the boys from Descension, a local metal band who as I’ve said before, I really like. How can you not dig a metal band that hits the stage wearing the full-on metal gear? Bat wings, skulls, and face paint. And now that I think of it I don’t think I’ve ever seen these cats in public without their gear on. But anyway they were all sitting at the table across from us dressed in all their metal finest, which I thought rocked. But at what seemed like every chance they got the fuckin cats who were hosting the show would call attention to em. I asked Mito were they fuckin with the band and at first she assured me that wasn’t the case, that one of the hosts really liked the band and was drunk and just doing the “shout-outs”. But the shit kept on all night and I don’t care what people said, I know when someone’s getting fucked with. But the cats from Descension seemed to take it in stride, so I kept my mouth mostly shut. Every so often we’d take a trip to the bar inside the Uptown where’d we grab some drinks and smoke a few. They had the Kansas City Chiefs on the big screen so that place had a crowd of it’s own it seemed. But I swear I’ve never seen so many local hipsters in one spot at the same time, if there’d been a fire the alternative scene in Kansas City would’a been wiped out like the fuckin dinosaurs. Being with Mito who was doing a good job of stopping my heart with the dress she had on, meant I kept on my best behavior, or at least until they announced the best punk band category. I can’t remember who won, but I do recall using my loud voice in protest. Just before we left I ran into the guy’s from Vibrolux (did I spell that right?) who also are never seen in public without their work clothes on. Though theirs is quite the opposite from Descension, being dressed out in glam rock drag and all that. But as we all know, because you wear a dress and garters don’t mean you can’t rock out. I can’t bitch too much, I got to hang out with one of my favorite people and see some folks, so all in all a good evening.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

please forgive my lack of shit

I’ll update in a few cause I got lots to talk about but as of right now Hurricane Charlie and FEMA are all up in my ass and my normally razor sharp focus is slightly fucked. Stay tuned cause you know.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Julia Child

One of my favorite people has died
Rest in peace Julia Child

"and the monkey flipped the spatula"

weeble wobble biker boy

I think I’m going out this weekend and look at motorcycles. I’ve always wanted one and I really think now’s the time to get it done and shit. But since this is my first one I wanna go as lowball as possible cause I know I’m gonna drop it more then a few times. Plus as my record stands my luck with two-wheeled shit isn’t so good. Had a mini-bike as a kid and ran that into garage doors more times then I care to or can remember. Took my father’s brand new motorcycle and rode it into a tree. He’s still turning over in his grave over that one. But I’m fairly confident that I can master one or at least remember where the brakes are this time around. I told my sister that I might consider selling my truck to finance my bike purchase, but I kind’a got the feeling she wasn’t totally cool with that idea, might’a been all the screaming and shit she was doing. But I’m determined hook or crook to get one. I just wanna ride and feel the wind in my hair? Anyway, I just wanna ride. Some people have mentioned the mid-age crises thing, but like I’ve said before I’ve never believed in that middle age crap. I think it’s just that some people get to a certain point in their lives where they can look around go ok, now it’s time for me. Plus forty-five isn’t middle age by any means. It just gives me the luxury of forgetting more shit then most of you will ever learn. But I am gonna to have to find a bike with a low seat height. It’s a bitch when after so many years you have one of those life-changing realizations. One of mine was when I finally had to accept the fact that I have short legs. Here I am standing well over six feet, and I have legs the length of a ten year olds. Goddammit, you might as well call me fuckin weeble wobble boy. Fuck short legs, no body hair, fat and bald, I might as well start parking in the handicapped spaces. “Breath, Breath”. So a lowrider type cruiser would have to be the ticket for me so that my short assed legs can touch the fuckin ground and shit. Oh, switching subjects and in a “goddammit that’s what you get” moment, a British cricket club in west England decided they wanted to get rid of some old brush by burning it. So after throwing more crap on top of the brush pile and setting it afire, they soon had a roaring bonfire going. But unbeknownst to all there was a rabbit sleeping off its meal under all the brush, who with fur ablaze came running out zipping madly all over the place. The burning bunny in a blind “my ass is burning” panic ran into a storage shed where the cricket club had all it’s equipment stored setting the shed and it’s contents on fire. Shit got burned up to the tune of over one hundred thousand dollars. How’s that for a fuck you?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

sweatin the small stuff

DaqHommey lI'qu' pI'angmeH 15 DIcha'ta'bogh rurqu'bogh 'op'e' DInoppu'.
bIH DInopHa' DaneHchugh

Some cat driving an SUV pulls into a local police station’s parking lot to turn around. The dumb little meat puppet is cranking his fucking stereo so loud that cops run out of the building screaming for em to turn the shit down and to ticket him for being so loud and stupid. But instead the silly fistfucker guns the truck knocking a cop down and the chase is on. They chase the muthafucker down and find out that he’s a drunken seventeen-year-old kid with liquor in the car.
Another local cat decides he wants to kill the stupid President of the United States by using a remote controlled airplane filled with explosives. Apparently he also decides to tell the wrong person who drops a dime on his RC-plane flying ass. Just goes to show you, never never talk about killing the President with a remote controlled airplane at your local bar.

Wait wait, just hold on a fuckin goddamn minute. I just found out that The search engine Google will display in 35 different languages including fuckin Klingion!!??? ……………………………………………And it does!! That is so cool….hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The geeks have taken over the farm! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!! That fuckin cock out rocks!!! I can't write anymore after that.....hahahahahaha
hahah!!!!!!!!........

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I'm confused, are you confused?

I don’t have too much to say today, I think because my head’s been hopping into strange places as of late. Part of it is that once again it’s come time to turn inwards and reevaluate my life and see where I stand. I’ve said before that my generation and the generations coming after me lack the “standard”, and I use this term in the loosest form, on which our parents and grandparents were able to judge where they should be in life. The past generations were pretty comfortable in knowing that they should be married by a certain age. Knowing that they were going to have children and raise a family to pass their name into the future. They all had their wilding years and knew when it was time to stand down and get serious about the business of life, and when they got old do the Eskimo thing and move into the coldest part of the house. But with standards changing and the world becoming closer, things have changed. I’m not saying that the family values aren’t there anymore, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s just that the concept of the traditional family has been shuffled around a bit. Some folks are able to adapt to the new changes whilst some fight for things to go back to the way they used to be. People bitch and bemoan the lack of morals or so called Christian values. They want to censor the people around em and make people conform to their ideals and standards. They’re the ones that refuse to understand that no matter what, the days are changing and to accept and deal with the change you have to bend with the blowing wind. These are the same people that cry about going back to the way it used to be, the days of Camelot when you knew clearly whom to hate and fear. When the only good commie was a dead commie and folks of color knew their place and everybody loved and trusted the President without question. Because the people who questioned authority clearly must hate America, why else were they determined to undermine the way things had been done for years and years? What’s wrong with the back of the bus, isn’t it less bumpy back there? And what’s wrong with staying home and keeping the house clean and having a hot meal ready for me when I get home? Isn’t that your place? And let’s call in the duke and kill em all and let god sort em out. We’re America aren’t we? Any war we fight has to be a just and righteous war? Doesn’t it? Well, I think those that still insist on thinking that way is what’s wrong with America today. Family values have changed, and if we don’t question authority and take our chosen leaders to task who will? Who will oversee the oversee’ers if we don’t? This isn’t our parent’s forty acres and the mule just died. This is our world and we have to change and adopt to deal with all that’s good and bad with it. Our world is now, where we buy water in a bottle to drink, where the single act of having sex can kill you like a bullet thru the head. We were in a war that our president declared over. But his definition of over is sure different from mine since ten times as many American soldiers have died during the so-called ended hostilities then in declared combat. Folks who just a few short years ago were performing cunnielingius on camels to make em produce milk are trying their damndest to fuck us over. And even though Joe next door may have all the best ideas on how to fix things, he doesn’t stand a chance becoming president because he doesn’t have millions and millions to spend on advertising. The old saying “you can’t never go back” just got new meaning because change is always about going forward.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

fast food fuckup

Fast food restaurants chap my ass. The quality of service makes me so fucking angry. How many times have you pulled into the drive-thru of a fast food joint and there’s not another car in sight. What a sweet deal you think, I’ll get my food quick and get the fuck out of here. But when you pull up to the menu to order you’re told to wait. What the fuck is there to wait for? Finally you place your order and pull up to the window, now you gotta wait again for your food to get prepared. Oh, and don’t confuse the mouth-breather on the other side of the window by making them have to figure your change. “Sir, your order is $6.78”. So, in order to clear out your cup holder you hand the bastard $11.78. Congratulations, you just broke the fuckers concentration. Instead of just handing you a five-dollar bill and your food, dumbass has to call the manager cause he can’t figure out the change. And don’t even try to tell em what the change should be; they’ll think you’re trying to get over on em. Now you got your food and you head home, you hit the door, grab a piece of the couch and turn on the TV. You start pulling things out of the sack and you realize………the fucking fish sandwich is fucking missing! Muthafuck! You’re so pissed you get a hard-on. You run screaming out of the house and leap into the car and bust ass getting back up to fast food hell. By now you’re so angry you’ve pee’ed yourself and you can’t stop hyperventilating. You’re so pissed your bowls are loose and blood is leaking from the corners of your eyes. You rush thru the door and bellow for the manager, some Joe Friday looking muthafucker comes out from the back and asks if he can help you.

Help me? Help me? Yeah you can help me! I didn’t get my fucking fish sandwich!

And in the clearest, most condescending voice imaginable, the manager says; Sir, may I see your receipt. You think quickly. The receipt is at home on the couch. As the manager smiles, you can’t help but notice how yellow his teeth are. As he tells you; no receipt, no service, you now understand why so many fast food restaurants are robbed every day. It’s not about the money. It’s all about not getting the fish sandwich.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

scary zombie crap from the archives

I should’a never watched that stupid fuckin movie Resident Evil; I’m still having nightmares about flesh eating-zombie’s coming after me. I start dreaming about sex or puppies and here come the flesh-eating zombies bum rushing everything. I’m outside my office building having a smoke and I can’t stop thinking about what I’d do if flesh-eating zombies came rushing out of the building after me. I even dreamed I had sex with a flesh-eating zombie chick. Of course with her being the flesh-eating zombie that she was I had to tie her arms up and shit so that she couldn’t bite me, cause you know if they bite you or even scratch you your ass turns into one. And don’t give me shit cause I dreamed I had mad sex with one, your dreams are the last thing you have control over. But it was disturbing nevertheless. And speaking of movies, if you’re a fan of the Japanese anime series “La Blue Girl”, the Japanese have put out a live version of the series. It’s pretty cool but watching Japanese folks fuck still reminds me of kittens fucking, but when it comes to Japanese bondage skills their Kung Fu is most strong indeed. And of course if a Japanese chick stepped up to me and wanted to ride the pony I’d be most happy to oblige, or at the least give it serious thought. Oh great, now I’m gonna start dreaming about Japanese zombie chicks dammit! There’s few things I’m afraid of, drowning, letting my friends down, ghosts, zombies, normal shit like that. But the other day my fear of horror movies caused me to tell a friend to go and fuck off. It’s no great secret that I won’t watch horror movies, I don’t really hide that from anyone, and as a matter of fact that’s one of the first things people getting to know me learn, cause the last thing I need is to meet a new friend who goes, “hey Greg, come over and watch movies with me and they put on a zombie flick and I’m a pissy puddle of fear on their couch. And I’ll tell you why, I’ve always had a very active imagination, and having an active imagination can get your ass into all sorts of bullshit. Take for example; I’m sleeping and I hear someone scream my name as loud as they can. Sounds harmless right? But it takes on a different aspect when you realize I’m in the house alone. Huh? See? So the first thing I says is did I dream the voice or is there something up in here with me, and does it know I’m buck-assed nekked? So there I am pulling the sheet up over me cause I’m imagining something’s in there with me. And on a second note, do ghosts give a rat’s ass if you’re buck-assed nekked or not? Anyway, now my imagination’s all freaking out and shit cause it won’t let go of the fact that I’m not alone. Which brings me to the issue at hand, yeah, the fuckin issue of watching horror movies. I got bored late one night and was sitting in front of the TV channel flippin. This movie came on, now me being the ignorant muthafucker that I am I didn’t have a clue what the movie was all about. Hell, I thought it was on a science fiction tip if you wanna know the truth cause of the way it started out. So I start watching it but then partway thru it out came the stinkin, brain eating zombies. And just between you me, and who gives a fuck? Zombies scare the living crap out’a me. I can’t stands em. And I know what you muthafucker’s are sayin, “hey ya dumb fucker, why didn’t you just change the fuckin channel?” well it ain’t easy like that, once I see the zombies, I’m powerless to change the channel. It’s like I take this huge breath and I’m holding it during the whole stinkin movie and I can’t move. And here’s the worst thing, once the zombies are all done with the pillage, and the carnage, and the killin, and the brain eating, and all the nefarious shit that zombie muthafucker’s do, then I go to bed. That’s when I start dreaming about the undead muthafucker’s. Even when I’m awake I imagine zombies peaking out from underneath shit waiting to get me. It’s a horrible thing I tell ya, and it could be any horror movie, they all have the same affect in that I dream about em. But zombies are the worst; it got so bad that everywhere I looked I kept seein em. But seriously, it can be

zombies, werewolves, mutants with the runny pus drippin off their faces, giant spiders, certain serial killers with a affinity for chainsaws. The evil slugs, blobs, mummies, Frankenstein, faceless killers in the shadows, big snakes, horny Appalachian rednecks in bibs.

You all get my drift right? I see the horror movie, I dream about the horror movie. Thus I don’t watch the fuckin things, simple enough?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

stupid politicos

"CNN reported that Kansas Attorney General Phil Kline is preventing more than 1,600 CDs from the state's public libraries because they were deemed to 'promote violence or illegal activity.'
Among the banned discs are artists such as OutKast, Rage Against the Machine, Lou Reed, and Devo. The American Civil Liberties Union calls it censorship. A spokesperson for the AG's office said the AG is acting in the best interests of the people of the state, since the 'albums... did not mesh with the values of a majority of Kansans.” The Kansas Library Association is supporting the decision. KLA's executive director said the attorney general 'did the libraries a big favor', saying the libraries would have made the decision to remove them anyways.
The discs are part of 51,000 CDs sent to Kansas as part of a 2002 court settlement between the music industry and forty US states over allegations of price fixing."
I’ve hearing about this for days on end it seems like. From what my many inside sources tell me, yes, Phil Kline had his staff go thru all the CD’s and remove any he or they thought objectionable. Yes, the Kansas State Library Association does support Phil’s decision. But they do wish they were consulted before hand or allowed to handpick shit themselves, so that shit’s questionable. And yes, Phil Kline is bugtits crazy and has no fucking business assuming to know what’s best for the people living in Kansas. One of Phil Kline’s better decisions evolved supporting the verdict to put an 18 year old mentally challenged kid behind bars for seventeen (17) years for giving a consensual blowjob to another kid who admits that he was cool getting the consensual blowjob. What makes this decision so fucked up is that if the 18 year old had gone down on a chick instead, the sentence would’a been maybe a year and a half. This being due to Kansas having a law on the books basically stating that since kids in Kansas are stupid little shits lets not fuck up their lives too much for diddling each other whilst underage. And let’s not even begin to talk about how many fucking underage kids do you have to have fucking each other to come up with that law. But because he blew another guy and Phil believes that homosexuality encourages deviant crap like bestiality, stealing and other law-breaking nefarious shit, the kid was treated as an law-breaking adult and thrown under the jail and flung to the stinkin butt-fuckers in lockdown. So what does Phil Kline know about fuckin anything? Pious censorshipping, homophobic piece of cock growth doesn’t know shit. Oh, here’s a list of the CD’S that Phil hates and thinks is bad for the library card carrying masses.

Alice In Chains, "Greatest Hits," "Live"
Big Punisher, "Yeeeah Baby"
Blink 182, "Cheshire Cat"
Foxy Brown, "China Doll"
Concrete Blonde, "Bloodletting," "Classic Masters"
Cypress Hill, "III," "Live at the Fillmore"
Da Brat, "Unrestricted"
Devo, "Pioneers Who Got Scalped"
Heavy D, "Heavy"
Jagged Edge, "JE Heartbreak"
Live, "The Distance to Here"
Mas,e "Harlem World"
NAS, "It Was Written," "Nastradamas"
Nortious B.I.G., "Born Again"
OutKast, "Aquemini," "Stankonia"
Rage Against the Machine, "Renegades"
Lou Reed, "Growing Up in Public," "Rock and Roll
Heart," "Sally Can't Dance," "Walk on the Wild Side"
Silver Chair, "Freak Show"
Soul Asylum, "Candy From a Stranger," "Let Your
Dim Light Shine"
Stone Temple Pilots, "Tiny Lights: Songs From the
Vatican Gift Shop"
Toadies, "Hell Below"
"Bad Boy Records Greatest Hits"
The Wu-Tang Clan, "The W"
Wyclef Jean, "The Carnival"

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

midget strippers, bums and the Rock

I really need to sit down and figure out why I insist on waking every morning at 4:30AM. I don’t need to be at the bus stop until 7:30 so why wake up so fuckin early, hell that’s at least two more hours of sleep I could be getting. But I guess in the long run it doesn’t really matter, what’s two hours sleep in the great scheme of things. This morning a local radio station the “Buzz” (doesn’t every city have a Buzz radio station by the way, what’s up with that?) was broadcasting live from the Hurricane, so since I had to walk past I stopped in to see what was going on. I’m not being judgmental but how can muthafucker’s drink so early in the fuckin morning? I walked in and all the cool kids were there sitting around the bar knocking em back like it was midnight. I talked to the bartender’s who told me that to be there so early they more or less stayed up all night, and later that day they all planned to go to OzzFest, which was starting up later that morning. I told em all to have fun and be careful then I headed out to the bus stop. But before I could get to the door I was stopped by a couple of girls I knew talking about Bridgett the midget coming to town. You know Bridgett, she’s that tiny little tattooed midget that does all the porn movies. Or at least that’s what my many inside sources tell me. But one of the girls went on to tell me about how some time ago they were at a strip club and two midget girls started stripping. From the way they put it the two midget stripper’s hands were so small that they couldn’t grip the brass pole so they started doing nekked cartwheels and other such shit. Now that just paints me a bad picture. As I walked out on the sidewalk I heard someone screaming my name and I looked across the street and there stood a gaggle of bums waving at me from Monkey Island wanting to know if it was cool to go in. I thought it over and gave em a shrug which they took as yes and as I sat down at the bus stop I watched a couple of em scamper across the street to the Hurricane’s front door. I lit a smoke and waited, and sure enough here they come backing out of the door. I didn’t think that shit would fly. Then as I’m sitting at the bus stop one of the Hurricane regulars who happened to be at the Broadway Coffee Shop decided he wanted to bring me a hot cup of coffee. Real nice guy but this is the second time he’s delivered coffee to me at the bus stop, so I asked him to stop. Not that I don’t dig the coffee but like you know.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

the news and the other white meat

Since I was up so fuckin early I started flipping through all the news channels to see what was up in the world. Here’s some of the more interesting shit I picked up on between watching the news and a kickass Buffy rerun where she’s living in LA and ends up fighting all these fucked up faced demons.

Somewhere in the air between Belgian and Vienna a Belgian airliner made an emergency landing after a pissed off kitty-cat snuck into the cockpit and attacked the pilot. I guess the plane had been in the air for about twenty minutes when some chick’s cat escaped from its kitty carrier. And whilst meals and shit were being served the furry little psychopath slipped it’s ass into the cockpit and freaked out and started tearing the pilot a new asshole. The pilot being that he was from Brussels decided that instead of beating the kitty’s ass and tossing it down the la’crapper, he should turn the plane around and make an emergency landing back in Brussels. I guess now the fuckin airlines gonna review it’s procedures for letting fuckin pets fly business class instead of in the shittin hold where they belong. My many inside sources tell me that the government’s checking the stupid cat for ties to al-Qaida.

Republican Alan Keyes decided to tear Democratic rival Barack Obama' a new asshole over Brak’s views on abortion Monday, calling them "the slaveholder's position"? The conservative former diplomat started his first full day of campaigning as the GOP candidate by saying Brak, a state senator from Chicago, had violated the principle that all men are created equal by voting against a bill that would have outlawed a form of late-term abortion. Keyes goes on to say that he’d would still be picking cotton if the country's moral principles had not been shaped by the Declaration of Independence? The Fuck? Anyway he also says that his opponent has broken and rejected those principles, and he’s has taken the slaveholder's position. Whatever, I myself think that Keyes needs to shut the fuck up and get off Brak’s ass. What is it with black folk that the first time two of em run against each other for a Senate position, representing separate parties, one of em has to come out of the gate talking shit. Fuck politico’s who insist on doing their best to damage the other instead of showcasing their own skills and the points on which they stand. Next thing you know Keyes will be calling Brak high yella and shit and telling em that he’s not black enough. What Keyes needs to be doing is pulling that subway token out’a his pocket and taking a good long look at it. If you get my fuckin drift and shit.

And fey rock star Dave Matthews made the news when it came to light that it might have been his tour bus that emptied it’s waste tanks onto a boatful of innocent tourists. Yeah, it seems that a boat load of folks were taking a tour down the Chicago River, and as they passed under this bridge, shit and piss rained down all over em. About a hundred and twenty passenger’s were on the top deck of the boat and as they passed under the Kinzie Street Bridge which happens to have a grated deck, a shitload of raw sewage from a rock star type tour bus cascaded down on top of every fuckin body on the top deck of the boat. Some sharp-eyed tourist was able to clear the shit from his eye’s long enough to write down a partial plate number off the bus and it led police to one of Dave Matthew’s tour buses. Of course Dave feigned innocence, sayin he didn’t do shit.

Over in Manila a man and his two sons have been arrested on suspicion of killing a neighbor and then eating parts of his body. The three family members beat and stabbed the cat to death and then threw his dead ass over the fire and after garnishing with a sprig of mint and parsley for color, ate his ears, tongue and arms. All this was done in the spirit of retribution for the dead cat having two left feet and tripping over the father’s daughter at a dance. Damn, how fucked up is that? Around here the least that happens if you step on some cat’s shoes is getting shot. But could you hear the father talking to his two sons? “Dammit, what you mean you’re not hungry, you better eat some of this muthafucker. I haven’t sweated over a hot fire all day to eat this shit by myself. Don’t make me put some bass in my voice or that’s both your asses”. Ha, the other white meat. I’m just sayin is all.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

hmmmm?

I think I’m gonna set up links on the side that feature some of my old postings by subject matter, like my ghost experiences, or my bouncing years, or the stripper stories. On occasion I get requests from folks about something I’ve written about years ago, so this would make finding things easier then spending hours going thru my archives, or the really old stuff off the old website I used to be on. What say you all?

the weekend

Yours truly had a very good weekend. Friday night I hung out at the Hurricane and one of the owner’s came in with his wife and as I was leaving they decided to comp my bar tab which was very sweet. Plus I took Friday off from work due to the fact that I had run out of clean underwear and I didn’t think it was appropriate to go to work all commando and shit. There’s that getting hit by a car thing that you have to always have to keep in the back of your head. Which is worse, getting hit by a car with dirty underwear or no underwear? So that morning I got to do my thing where I wake up at my usual o’dark thirty hour and go thru the motions of getting ready for work. But instead of heading out the door I tap dance my nekked happy ass back to bed. It’s all about the small things baby. I showed up at the laundromat somewhere around eight and after throwing my shit in, I went outside to sit on the park bench and watch folks for a while. Shit, seventy degrees and sunny, and wearing loose shoes and people watching? I was in high cotton. It’s times like that when I feel so peppy that I wanna do something really feel-good like jogging. But of course I come to my senses and sit back down and have a smoke. Saturday I baked some cookies and hung out in front of the TV watching some movies I rented. Saw Hellboy for the first time. So riddle me this, why didn’t they just get the chick with the firepowers to kill all the monsters in the first place? And for somebody that was supposed to be all fuckin top-secret and shit, ole Hellboy was sure out in the public getting his ass kicked a lot. But all in all I dug it. Saturday night I headed back to the Hurricane because some cats I knew from the old LoneStar were in town playing that night. So I ended up seeing some old faces and meeting some new ones. I did see this one muthafucker I wanted to slap down. He’s like this Ali-G muthafucker and he’s one of these cats that work the numbers. If there’s ten women sitting by themselves he’ll walk his ass over and try to get his swerve on. When one tells him to fuck off, he’ll just go down the line to the next one, and so on and so on. Every time I see this muthafucker he’s doing the same thing. I admire his persistence but the shallowness of it all makes me wanna have a come to Jesus talk with em. Not that his attempt to spew his seed is any of my business, but because I find him irritating and I enjoy removing all things irritating from my sight. Plus later that night as I’m walking thru the bar he stops me by throwing his arm across my chest. Here’s how’s that conversation went.

Ali-G, “you’re a really big guy, how much do you weigh? I know big guys and you look as strong as you’re big. You’re very strong aren’t you? Hey, why do you look so sad? Do you want to talk about it? How come you’re not smiling? I’d be happy to sit down and hear what’s making you so sad. I’m a very good listener. Let’s go sit down and talk”.

Me, “……………………..”

Ali-G, “ok, ok, I’ll talk to you later”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

pimpin ain't easy

The other night I watched the movie “American Pimps”. It was cool seeing putting faces with some of the names that I’d been hearing about for years. Back in the day when hookers ran heavy thru Westport I used to be on speaking terms with some of the Pimps that worked the midtown area and as a kid I was on and off employed by a Pimp named Ray that worked near my old block. He was a cool old guy, had himself a fish market that he ran with two of his brothers. I helped keep the place clean and did the odd errand every so often. Ray always kept his shit clean to the nines and after the store closed I’d sit around as him and his brothers got all cleaned up to go out. Or as Ray would say, “cleaner then a room full of big city clap doctors.” They would always tell me that they were going to check the string and shake out their bitches. Ray was from the Mississippi Delta and spoke this strange mush mouth English. He was tall and slender and had four or five gold teeth with the diamonds insets and always wore his hair slicked back looking like James Brown. Every time he saw a good lookin women he’d always say that he either had her on his string or was gonna put her on his string. I’d ask him what his string was and he’d tell me that what he called his workin bitches. During the week he’d work his third and second string and on the weekends he’d put out what he called his first string. Myself, I couldn’t tell the difference. I thought they all were gorilla assed ugly but then again I was young and most of em seemed to be damn near my mother’s age. Whenever they came into the store old Ray would holler out for me to get his ho a catfish sammich and a cold soda pop. He actually had a sky blue Caddie with the rear window all vinyl’ed out in the shape of a diamond. He had to be the only cat with a fuzzy steering wheel that made it look cool. But every Sunday Ray would gather up all his ho’s and head off to church. “Have to keep the bitches grounded” he’d say. I just think old Ray believed in workin the long stroke. Here’s up to all the old Pimps.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Superman can't beat this

The Pussy’s one of the most powerful entities in the world. Empires have crumbled over it, and men have died fighting over it. In the animal kingdom, if it has a Pussy it’s considered the dominant species. If it weren’t for Pussy, cars would have never been invented. Why would you want to get there faster if Pussy wasn’t on the other end? Pussy’s one of the oldest forms of commerce in the known world. Why I bet that back in the Stone Age a cat could trade Pussy for a sharp stick or two. It’s always been a well known fact that as long as there’s Pussy around the house you’ll never go hungry. Pussy’s a part of the American landscape. In school, kids learn about the Pussy willow, then they go home and play with their Pussycats. If one was to rent the classic movie “Dusk to Dawn”, one would hear a very heartfelt description of every kind of Pussy out there. The nation’s economy has to deal with Pussy. Do you know that the price of street market Pussy hasn’t changed but ten to twenty percent over the last hundred years? Or so I’ve been told, cough, cough. Music wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the Pussy. We wouldn’t need the Blues if there weren’t no Pussy. Shakespeare made Pussy famous and Clinton made it notorious. There’s old school Pussy, new age Pussy, yoga Pussy, tattooed and pierced Pussy. You sit on your couch watching prime time TV, and the politicians bitch and moan about the quality of television and how damaging it is for our youth and culture. Then they’re interrupted for sixty seconds by a commercial featuring a famous and well respected actress touting the qualities of a new cream that stops the Pussy from stanking. Women use the Pussy to keep men in check. When we make love to em they moan and cry out as to how well we’re hitting that Pussy. “Yeah daddy, nobody hits it like you do”! So our chest’s puff out and we tell each other how we tore the Pussy up. “We’re bad, who’s your daddy”! But in reality if women could read a book without hurting our feelings or clip the toenails, they would. We can’t hurt that Pussy, because that Pussy has power unimagined. Watching an all girl porn movie made me think on this. The women in that movie were smacking the Pussy. They were setting the Pussy on fire and beating on the Pussy with tire irons. They were sticking things into the Pussy that I wouldn’t put in the back of my truck. And all the while they were giggling and grinning and lining up for more. The Pussy was intimidating. Then just when you think the Pussy has calmed down and you just might have a chance at a decent night’s sleep. A nine pound baby comes popping out of the Pussy. Tiny women asking me what I thought of the Pussy made me write this ode to the Pussy.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

reaching out

Dammit, this is to the lovely woman with dreads I met tonight at the Hurricane that shared tequila shots with me and gave me her phone number in purple ink. The ink smeared and I can’t read your number. So catch me at my mail address “gbeck@kc.rr.com, cause I’d love to hear from you again.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

I'm dead Bitch!

RIP; 1948-2005

the shit I talk about

The Kansas City Pitch Magazine is doing a weekly feature called “Net Prophets, Notes from KC's blogosphere”. Every week they feature a blurb from a local blogger and this week it was my turn. As I read the post they chose to feature I’m scratching my head thinking, “damn, outside of the safe confines of my site some of the shit I write might look pretty fucked up to the casual onlooker”. But then that part of my brain shut down and I called my mother and sister to tell em to pick up a copy. Check it out.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

My friend Constance who’s a fighter for truth, justice and the American Way sent this to me

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

...Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
...Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
...The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
...A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
...Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. (I love this one)
...The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
...If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
...A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
...Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
...HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
...Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
...A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
...Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
...The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
...Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
...You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
...What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

MmmmBop?

I just had to hop on and put this down. All this week on the bus to work I’ve been seeing these kids camping out on the sidewalk in front of the Uptown Theater here in town. At first there was one, then three, then more and more. All lying out on the sidewalk in lawn chairs and sleeping bags and all that kind of shit. I keep looking at the marquee to see who the fuck’s coming in to town that can warrant such intense loyalty. It was like shit I used to see back in the day for the Stones or the Dead. Folks camping out for days and days to be the first in line for tickets or to get into the show. So this evening on the way home I can see from a couple of blocks away that the line of kids has extended it’s self clear around the fuckin block, and they’re all standing up with their shit all folded up and put away. Then I saw some vans from a local pop radio station, and then as the bus got closer I saw signs and posters in the kid’s hands.

Oh, my fuckin god, the fey little muthafucker’s had camped out for a week to be the first in line for Hanson?

Remember them? They were the three brothers that did the “MmmmmBop”song. On the bus a clamor started.

“What the fuck? Goddamn Hanson”?

This middle aged lady all straight-laced looking and shit was getting all bent out of shape.

“Fuckin kids these days don’t know shit about shit”.

We were all talking and pointing at the same time whilst staring out the windows. Who would’a thought, muthafuckin kids sleeping in line for fuckin Hanson. What has the world come too?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Old Crow is not a fine bourbon and back in the day shit

Back in the early eighties I bounced in a blues club. You had to walk down two flights of iron steps to get it. The place was underground and looked liked it was carved out of solid rock, back in the sixties it used to be a chinchilla farm. Back in the day when I worked this place Westport was nothing like it is now. You still had old hippies living above some of the bars and head shops were all over the place. Westport was like the wide-open frontier, it was also known as the undisputed drug capital of the Midwest. The drug thing got so bad Westport had to have it’s own security force. These cats not only carried guns, but they had dogs, big nasty steroid taking, back in the slavery day looking ass eating dogs who had no love for anyone. Word. And weren’t afraid to use em. I recall one morning after closing the crowd starting fighting in the middle of the street. These cats rolled up with the dogs and took the leashes off; it was like the fucking running of the bulls, but with these big ass dogs instead, another fine example of crowd control.
In the club we averaged five fights a night. It was also one of the first clubs in KC to stay open till 3 am. We entertained a very diverse bunch of people. You had the fedora wearing blues crowd who insisted on wearing dark shades at night. Then we had the Italian mob crowd who insisted on wearing dark shades at night. And not to be left out we had the burgeoning punk crowd who also insisted on wearing dark shades at night. And don’t let me forget the trailer park mullet crowd. And when it got fun was when all these different groups who insisted on wearing dark shades at night would start bumping into each other. Oh, I forgot the biggest crowd, the drug crowd. These guy’s were like roaches they were so underfoot. The drug dealers and me had a good working relationship, they wouldn’t deal inside the bar and I wouldn’t break my foot off in em. Other then that we got along pretty good. But I gotta tell ya, when the place was rocking and the mob guys would bump into the punk crowd who would shove em into the mullet people who would swing at the drug dealers. It would turn into a total pier six brawl. Even the bands were known to scrap with the crowd, and in the middle was yours truly. Here’s what I learned bouncing in a blues club.

I learned that you’d better not back down from the mob guy’s, if they saw you backing down or rolling over they owned your ass. Toss em like you’d toss anybody else, they don’t have to like you, just respect you. I learned to never take my eyes off anybody. The one time I did I ended up with my right eye getting cut out with a beer bottle. I learned that strippers are good people. It was strippers who caught me and pulled me back into the club and started first aid after I had climbed two flights of stairs trying to go after the guy that cut my fuckin eye out. I learned that punkers are pretty cool to hang out with, and if they really like you they will give you their women for the night. I learned that sitting in the back of a dark blues club with your arm draped around a real women and listening to the blues while sipping fine bourbon on the rocks will clear your head and free your mind.

After the blues club years I bounced in a rock club that had bullet holes in the front door and carried no bottles or glassware. We also averaged three to five fights every night of the week. This was back in the day that when a cat took a swing at you, you had better swing back or you were everybody’s punk. Big hair, spandex, and leather was the rule of thumb. On a good night the place could hold six hundred screaming people, and get this, the place only had six bouncers. The place originally started out as a cowboy club, and until the place closed “Asleep At The Wheel” would play there every year. I learned a lot of things working there.

I learned that Rob Halford of Judas Priest dressed his boyfriend in matching outfits and made him stand on stage where he could watch him. I learned that if anyone touched Johnny Winter he would run back to his bus and wouldn’t come out. I learned that Yngwie Malmsteen was a huge asshole. I learned that groupies will do anything, and I really mean anything to get on the bus. I learned that having a sweaty Joan Jett sitting on your shoulders while doing a guitar solo and at the same time trying to rub her pubes through the back of your neck is very cool. I learned that having the lead singer from Great White stop during a song and call me the baddest muthafucker he had ever seen, and the crowd cheering me is pretty cool. I learned that watching Country Dick Montana of the Beat Farmers walk into the crowd and tell everybody to sit on the floor cause he wanted to tell a story, and watching in stunned disbelief as over six hundred people did exactly just that, had to one of the finest examples of crowd control I had ever seen. I learned that having the wrestler, Jake The Snake Roberts get slapped by some drunk chick, and then me having to tell him he had to leave the bar had my guts in a knot. I learned that it’s not the fight that hurts, it’s the recovery. I learned to hate bachelor parties, cause when you got twenty guys that decide they wanna beat up on the bouncers and the before mentioned bouncers pulling out all the stops, getting “Old School” on their asses and sending half of them to the ER is not cool. Only because as soon as the smoke cleared the Cops camera crew came running down the ally but shit was all over by then and my mom didn’t get to see me on the TV. I learned that I really enjoyed a good moshpit, cause when you got a good pit rolling it’s the best relief valve for stressed out kids I have ever seen

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Oh, and some of you more in depth reader's might notice that some of my "back in the day" posts sound familiar. Well, some day's I'm either lazy or busy and I'll go back to some of my really old shit and yank it up front. Because since I've been at this shit since 2000 I have tons of old crap. Think of it as a good book, just because you've read it once don't mean it won't kill ya to read it again.

voting is sexy

So after work I went by this church near my place to vote on some local and statewide issues going on. I’m standing in line waiting for someone to unass a booth when I spotted this woman with a great set of angry titties coming my way. Oh, angry titties is old school lingo for a set of breasts so nice that you unconsciously scrunch up your face in awe when you come up on em. It looks like you’re angry but in reality it’s all about

“damn, wow, breath, breath, don’t make the face”.

Anyway, she stopped in front of me and the only thing I could think of to say was “hi, I’m voting”. She went “hi, you’re blocking the exit”. Hmmm, so I was, but it was nice talking to her. I went on and voted and was surprised at how sexy and manly I felt afterwards. “Yeah baby, nothing going on here, just me exercising my constitutional rights. That’s right, I’m a bad voting muthafucker. What’s that? You didn’t vote? Then you ain’t gots shit to say about shit, now do ya, you cockless bastard. Who gots the big dick? I gots the big dick. Who gots the big dick? I gots the big dick”. Voting’s sexy, yeah. After voting I decided to call in to a local restaurant for some carryout. Hell I might as well continue on this roll and avoid my own cooking right? The restaurant serves up a great chicken fried steak so when I called in, that’s what I asked for. The chick on the phone comes back with this answer. “Would that be chicken fried steak, or chicken fried chicken”? The fuck………..? Now I was all confused and shit, what the fuck was a chicken fried chicken? She told me that one was like flattened fried chicken, whilst the other was fried chopped up beef. Hmmm, I better play it safe and go with the beef since I knew that chicken fried steak was steak. See, voting also makes you sexy too.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

animal games

I watched the craziest shit on TV last night; it was Animal Planet’s, Animal Games. I would’a loved to have been at this meeting, because to come up with this idea cat’s had to be either high or drunk off their asses.

“Hey man, lets do a show where we pit animals against each other". "Damn, like eating each other and shit?" "Naw man, like competing against each other in physical competition. And dig this; we make all the animals the same fuckin size". "Like all giant and shit"? "Damn dude, will you stop sucking on that twinky and try to focus? We make em all human size, like six feet tall, even the insects. And we get real sport announcers and hold the whole thing at this huge stadium inside a dead volcano". "Muthafucker, you gots to be high". "Yeah, so"?”

It was the coolest show. They scaled all the animals the same size and made their strength equal to their sizes. So like when it came time for the high jump, they set the bar for the six-foot flea at six hundred feet and the muthafucker still ended up jumping out of the fuckin stadium. But during the weightlifting portion the elephant sucked ass because he got shrunk down to six feet and couldn’t do shit. And the target shooting part was just fucked up. There was just some wrong shit going on that I didn’t need to know. I really enjoyed the show; I bet I sat on the couch for the entire hour with my mouth hanging open in amazement. "and the monkey flipped the switch"

voodoo Bushonomics

I was flippin thru all the news sites today and I culled these bits from a few. Remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned that Bush was going to pull some shit to keep his ass in the White House? Keep watching and reading and putting all the parts together, the boy is up to something.

1. More financial institutions than previously disclosed may be at risk of attack, and an al-Qaida operative has told British intelligence that the group's target date is early September, intelligence sources said yesterday.

2. The operative, described as "credible" by British intelligence, told his debriefers that the attack would take place "60 days before the presidential election" on Nov. 2, according to a former senior National Security Council official. On Sept. 2 President George W. Bush is expected to address the Republican National Convention at Madison Square Garden.

3. Counter terrorism officials are analyzing data from a computer seized in Pakistan last month to see if financial institutions in addition to the five disclosed Sunday are at risk of attack, U.S. officials said yesterday.

4. Much of the information that led the authorities to raise the terror alert at several large financial institutions in the New York City and Washington areas was three or four years old, intelligence and law enforcement officials said on Monday. They reported that they had not yet found concrete evidence that a terrorist plot or preparatory surveillance operations were still under way.

5. U.S. officials say the detailed surveillance photos and documents that prompted higher terror warnings dated from as far back as 2000 and 2001, and Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said Tuesday the government concluded "it was essential" to publicize it and raise the terror alert.

6. Top Bush administration officials said some of the surveillance was apparently updated as recently as January of this year. And they denied any allegations that the public release of the information now, and the raising of the terror alert, was politically motivated. They said the information was released now because it was just uncovered in Pakistan.

Oh, I just added this last shit cause the dumbassness of it all sounded so good.

President Bush declared Monday that "knowing what I know today, we still would have gone on into Iraq,” signaling that revelations of flaws in the prewar intelligence had not changed his mind about the wisdom of attacking and removing Saddam Hussein from power. Bush acknowledged that no banned weapons had been found in Iraq, but he said they might still turn up. "We still would have gone to make our country more secure," he said, adding that Hussein "had the capability of making weapons."

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

Citizens Against Breast-Feeding

"Thank you for calling Citizens Against Breast-Feeding, a grassroots organization that persuades women to abolish this incestuous act of immoral perversion. Please leave your name and phone number after the beep."

This is part of the actual recorded phone message you hear when you call the Citizens Against Breast-Feeding. The organization was formed to support the idea that breast-feeding should be outlawed by law because as their founder Jim Rogers puts it, “is an immoral and sexual act. I happened to hear an interview with him over the radio this morning and he seems quite driven in his belief that breast-feeding babies is wrong. He says that it’s not only wrong, but also child abuse because it’s a sexual act because mothers use it to get themselves off. He also believes that breast-fed children are more prone to homosexual and deviant behaveiour later in life. After hearing this guy I have to believe him and his organization to be a hoax. Nobody can be this fuckin anal and stupid and still pull in air. Plus I checked and the groups website seems to have changed. But it goes to show how riled folks can get over the issue of men telling woman what they can or can’t do with their bodies. There was a shitload of woman on the radio wanting to break their foot off in the cat’s ass. Now of course with me being who I am, I’ve never had an issue with breast-feeding. Except when I’m in a restaurant and some whisky-tango chick yanks out her tit and hands it to her crying ass six-year old. “Goddammit, now shut up and eat”! But that’s what I get for going to cheap buffets. Now there was a time I was at a party and this chick was passing her new baby around showing to everybody. She started breast-feeding it and I just couldn’t stop staring. Now with it being one of those PC-save the gay whales hairy chick armpit type of crowds, I started getting bitched at. “What are you staring at? Breast-feeding is a natural act between a mother and child”. “

Hey, it’s not the breast-feeding I’m actually looking at. I’m just stuck on the page where she’s sitting stright up in her chair and the baby’s laying on her lap. That has to be the biggest damn tit I’ve ever seen is all”.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

the other pink meat?

I think I’ll talk about normal shit for a while. I don’t know if it’s just me cause this ain’t the kind of thing I talk to other cats about. But like if I’m asleep and lying on my back and decide to roll over onto my stomach and shit? But I happened to have a hard-on from whatever the fuck I’m dreaming about, and I roll over on that muthafucker? And suddenly I’m wide-awake and scrabbling to get the weight of my impressively bulky ass off my dick? Well, does that shit happen to anyone else, or is it just me? I watched Starsky & Hutch last night with Michelle after dinner. It was ok I thought; I think I actually laughed at one scene. The ending was poobutt though with the original Starsky and Hutch showing up in this fucked up cameo. Michelle found it interesting when I told her how back in the day I used to sport the fly leisure suits. Had a yellow one that was brighter then a muthafucker. Shit, put that bad boy on over a black shirt with a red tie and zip up the brown platforms. Fuck, I was cleaner then a room full of clap doctors. I also had to fill her in on the white boy afro. You know back when all the hip white cats had the big perms and shit that looked like curly fro’s. Think Welcome back Kotter’s Sweathogs. Anyway I had a problem with Snoop playing the role of Huggy Bear. I swear that muthafucker’s reading his lines off a cardboard sign that’s being held just off camera. He makes Ice Cube look like fuckin Shakespeare.

I had dinner all done and out of the way before Michelle showed up. I rocked with my cock out for dinner if I must say cause I decided to make salmon patties. I was domesticated out like a muthafucker. I went to the grocery story to buy some of the shit I needed like celery and onions. Can I say how hard it is being single and buying shit like that? One onion, one green pepper, hell, I wanted to buy one celery stick but they didn’t come like that so I had to buy the package. But I got home and started chopping all that shit up and it was so cool. Excepting for the fact that I was buckassed nekked and sitting in front of the TV, I felt like Emeril Lagasse. Bam! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I fuckin kill myself. And I found out something I didn’t know. Salmon in the can has bones? The fuck? I had stopped by my mother’s to say hi, and when she found out what I was doing for dinner she mentioned not to forget to remove the bones. So when it came time to add the salmon I opened up the can and shook the contents onto a plate. And sure as shit when I pulled the salmon apart there in the middle was a complete backbone. What do they do? Just take the fuckin fish and after removing the head and tail just ram-jam it into a can? Seems kind of fucked up to me. And how do they make it last so long? I mean like the can I used must’a been on my shelf since Christmas and I think I’m all right?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

porkchop on a stick

Best overheard “what the fuck” radio ad,

“Pork chop on a stick”. “Get it in your grocery’s freezer today”!

I spent a couple of days in Des Moines, Iowa workin for the Man, and the Iowa state fair was going on all around me. As I left Iowa I tuned into a local radio station that was broadcasting from the fairgrounds and I overheard this ad for a local treat called “pork chop on a stick”. It went on to say how you loved it at the state fair and now you can enjoy that meaty goodness in the comfort of your own home. Yeah baby, I’m all for eatin meat on a stick. I got a corndog fetish myself, but I can’t quite picture what a pork chop on a stick even looks like. The “other” white meat, that’s some funny shit. I fuckin love Iowa.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"